Thursday, July 28, 2011
Friday, September 25, 2009
Growth
It is so easy to forget where the Lord has brought us. I just got done reading a book called, "If Men are Like Buses, Then How Do I Catch One? by Megan McKinney Hammond. Don't let the title fool you, that is one of the best books I've ever read. Filled with so many insights and makes you say , "oh, I've never heard it put that way before." The first chapter of this book I didn't want to go on, she just had to cut deep into the heart. That was the Holy spirit convicting me by the way. I cried the first two nights I read this book and put it down for a week because I didn't want to read anymore of it. Unfortunately I definitely needed to read it. I'd give a full on book review, but that's not the main focus of this post but that book helped a lot. What did I apply to my life after reading this book?
*Developing Joseph's attitude of being gracious and having a joyful no matter what the circumstance. When I first discovered that I'd developed a tooth infection and I was miserable and in pains for hours with no sleep. I could've been a grouch to everyone and so I asked the Lord, how can I still find my joy in you even though I'm feeling horrible right now? Sure enough he answered my prayer request and blessed me that day seeing His Holy Spirit kick me into high gear and His Sovereign hand working on my behalf.
The Great God of this Universe, working on my behalf, for my good. What was so amazing about going through my oral surgery trial was the sudden arrival of it and the Lord asking me, you have finally given up your life to me. Mind you, I'd committed to my soul to Christ but I didn't realize that I was not giving Him full control of my life. I still wanted to be Miss Independent and make it on my own. When I realized that it was becoming harder and harder for me to live in the Bay Area, I finally got hit on the head. Uh Kay, do you realize that you have given the Lord 100% control of your life. It was painful coming to that conclusion and I had to turn it over to Him. My life is not mine, He already purchased it for me. I'd forgotten that and tried to make it on my own. I was definitely wasting it and making a huge mess out of it.
After confessing my sins and there was a lot of sins to be confessed and me crying like a baby. What's so awesome is that the Lord just pulled me even closer to Him and I just saw His Love going deeper and deeper and leaving me in complete awe. He does that to me like that. He totally leaves me speechless especially when it's the little things where I just stop in my tracks and I'm like wait wait wait, that was you Lord. Oh yeah, it's awesome when He moves like that in my life. I really do have the best Dad ever.
Back to my oral surgery which taught me that I really can lay anything at His feet no matter how big or small the worry is. When the infection set in, I knew in my heart that the Lord was going to do something with this trial. He'd ask me, Kadeesha you've just confess to me that you haven't given me full control of your life and now that you have. This affliction that I'm going to bring upon you, do you trust me to be in control of this one and I said yes, I do trust you. Wow and double WOW is all I have to say at the way the Lord worked in my life. For me because I like to daydream and work in my mind. I know when it's the Lord because He always moves suddenly in my life that again stops me in my tracks and I know that it's Him moving. What was so cool about discovering about my infection was that this was the first time that in faith I allowed the Spirit to move me. The Lord usually brings things into my life, this time I was the one He set in motion. The results of His Hand, total awesomeness. Yeah My God is an Awesome God. The crazy part is I never expected the outcome to be what it turned out to be.
Which leads me to the title of this post, Growth. I've grown so much and it's funny that what I've been able to learn. I would not have been able to see the depth of God's love had it not been for the trials that He's put me under. The crazy thing about going through trials is realizing how free I am in Christ and able to enjoy Him when I give everything over to him. Then I get totally shocked and completely humbled at the same time that such a Great Almighty God would sacrifice His Son for this girl, for me? I asked him, how are you able to love like you and just in complete awe and seeing how small I am compared to an infinite all loving God. I'm speechless and just sitting at his feet like a little girl just admiring Him. You know when a baby just gazes at its mother to figure out who is this awesome woman that gave birth to me. Yeah, that's how I feel when I'm in the presence of my Father.
This growth and perception of the depth of His Love has made me ever more aware of His Holy Spirit. At one point, I was kinda like who is this Holy Spirit. He's real and works by the way because a lot of things that I get tired of, I'm like oh wait a minute, I didn't do that. Oh yeah, the Spirit did that. I was just thinking about this the other day. I can't believe that I have no desire to go out and find enjoyment in the clubs, no desire for it at all. I've gotten rid of my fanciful stories and romance novels, I'm dressing appropriately for work and loving being modest and being comfortable in my skin. The music that I listen to, being there for my friends when they need me. And when I don't feel comfortable about something or it's annoying me, I come to a point and stop and try to figure out, is the Spirit convicting me. My prayer requests have become so much deeper than just a simple requests but deep heart changing, shaping, molding requests. The Lord has blessed me to become even more sensitive to His Spirit. The coolest part of this is that I'm totally happy in Christ, the most awesome fiancee by the way. I haven't had a desire for a boyfriend in a very very long time or intimacy from a man. And when I see that desire creeping up, I realize that the Enemy is attacking me.
One of my biggest fears when I realized that I needed to stop dating unbelieving men, was that I'd never be able to date a Christian guy. I've never done it before and I figured I'd fail miserably because I'd failed horrendously with non-Christian guys and the deep hard wounds that I had to bear. Praises the Most High because He worked on my heart this summer and opened up my eyes and my heart to see my brothers in Christ as reflections of Him and not the world and what the lust of my eyes wants to see. That is such a huge blessing that the Lord made come true for me that I would've forgotten had he not made me remember.
Psalms 119: 37 - "Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things, and give me life in your ways." I pray this verse as a request daily to cease striving after love, marriage, children, which I still struggle with but these desires don't rule me.
What's been so amazing for me as I've noticed it the past couple of days and just made me even in more of the Lord. I was like, Lord you make each of one of us so uniquely different and yet it all works for Christ and your glory. That totally mind-boggles me. True Christians are the only ones that really get along despite our differences in the way the Lord intricately woven us because He is the fabric, thread that holds us together. It's so awesome. Another way the Lord just blows my mind. Such knowledge like this is too high for me and He says this.
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55: 8-9
He reveals himself to me in those small little ways and I'm just like whoa God you are so cool. I tell you I don't know much about theology. I couldn't debate theological discussions, that's not my thing unless the Lord does something about that. But I'm an observer, I like details, I'm visual, I like taking pictures with my eyes and staring at the real thing. Because I'm looking at God, totally loving his creation but loving my Creator even more.
God's love is deeper than any ocean, haha this just brought up Phil Wickham's song "Jesus Lord of Heaven," off his Cannons CD. He says in a line that Jesus's love is deeper than any ocean. Okay not only do I have a God so Awesome that loves me, I have Jesus that loves me too and makes intercession. My Lord and High Priest calls me his friend. I'm Jesus's friend and I'm being perfected in him. I will definitely have to say that it quite an election, to be chosen by God and be his friend and loved by Jesus and Comforted by His Spirit. And all of this is free by the way. I didn't earn it.
The more I go through trials I'm not as afraid or scared. Romans 8: 18-39(ESV) says:
Future Glory
18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
19
The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.
20
For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope
21
that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
22
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.
23
Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?
25
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
More Than Conquerors
28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
29
For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
30
And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?
32
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
33
Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.
34
Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.
35
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
36
As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
37
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
38
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
39
neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
The more I realize the treasure that is Christ the more I'm being molded and becoming more like him and dying to myself. Praises to the Holy Triune God. I am getting sleepy I will update later and get some rest now. Resting in the Sovereign Grace of God I give thanks for life and would see fit to choose me for his kingdom, wow, what an amazing gift of salvation and love and mercy. God is soo good.
*Developing Joseph's attitude of being gracious and having a joyful no matter what the circumstance. When I first discovered that I'd developed a tooth infection and I was miserable and in pains for hours with no sleep. I could've been a grouch to everyone and so I asked the Lord, how can I still find my joy in you even though I'm feeling horrible right now? Sure enough he answered my prayer request and blessed me that day seeing His Holy Spirit kick me into high gear and His Sovereign hand working on my behalf.
The Great God of this Universe, working on my behalf, for my good. What was so amazing about going through my oral surgery trial was the sudden arrival of it and the Lord asking me, you have finally given up your life to me. Mind you, I'd committed to my soul to Christ but I didn't realize that I was not giving Him full control of my life. I still wanted to be Miss Independent and make it on my own. When I realized that it was becoming harder and harder for me to live in the Bay Area, I finally got hit on the head. Uh Kay, do you realize that you have given the Lord 100% control of your life. It was painful coming to that conclusion and I had to turn it over to Him. My life is not mine, He already purchased it for me. I'd forgotten that and tried to make it on my own. I was definitely wasting it and making a huge mess out of it.
After confessing my sins and there was a lot of sins to be confessed and me crying like a baby. What's so awesome is that the Lord just pulled me even closer to Him and I just saw His Love going deeper and deeper and leaving me in complete awe. He does that to me like that. He totally leaves me speechless especially when it's the little things where I just stop in my tracks and I'm like wait wait wait, that was you Lord. Oh yeah, it's awesome when He moves like that in my life. I really do have the best Dad ever.
Back to my oral surgery which taught me that I really can lay anything at His feet no matter how big or small the worry is. When the infection set in, I knew in my heart that the Lord was going to do something with this trial. He'd ask me, Kadeesha you've just confess to me that you haven't given me full control of your life and now that you have. This affliction that I'm going to bring upon you, do you trust me to be in control of this one and I said yes, I do trust you. Wow and double WOW is all I have to say at the way the Lord worked in my life. For me because I like to daydream and work in my mind. I know when it's the Lord because He always moves suddenly in my life that again stops me in my tracks and I know that it's Him moving. What was so cool about discovering about my infection was that this was the first time that in faith I allowed the Spirit to move me. The Lord usually brings things into my life, this time I was the one He set in motion. The results of His Hand, total awesomeness. Yeah My God is an Awesome God. The crazy part is I never expected the outcome to be what it turned out to be.
Which leads me to the title of this post, Growth. I've grown so much and it's funny that what I've been able to learn. I would not have been able to see the depth of God's love had it not been for the trials that He's put me under. The crazy thing about going through trials is realizing how free I am in Christ and able to enjoy Him when I give everything over to him. Then I get totally shocked and completely humbled at the same time that such a Great Almighty God would sacrifice His Son for this girl, for me? I asked him, how are you able to love like you and just in complete awe and seeing how small I am compared to an infinite all loving God. I'm speechless and just sitting at his feet like a little girl just admiring Him. You know when a baby just gazes at its mother to figure out who is this awesome woman that gave birth to me. Yeah, that's how I feel when I'm in the presence of my Father.
This growth and perception of the depth of His Love has made me ever more aware of His Holy Spirit. At one point, I was kinda like who is this Holy Spirit. He's real and works by the way because a lot of things that I get tired of, I'm like oh wait a minute, I didn't do that. Oh yeah, the Spirit did that. I was just thinking about this the other day. I can't believe that I have no desire to go out and find enjoyment in the clubs, no desire for it at all. I've gotten rid of my fanciful stories and romance novels, I'm dressing appropriately for work and loving being modest and being comfortable in my skin. The music that I listen to, being there for my friends when they need me. And when I don't feel comfortable about something or it's annoying me, I come to a point and stop and try to figure out, is the Spirit convicting me. My prayer requests have become so much deeper than just a simple requests but deep heart changing, shaping, molding requests. The Lord has blessed me to become even more sensitive to His Spirit. The coolest part of this is that I'm totally happy in Christ, the most awesome fiancee by the way. I haven't had a desire for a boyfriend in a very very long time or intimacy from a man. And when I see that desire creeping up, I realize that the Enemy is attacking me.
One of my biggest fears when I realized that I needed to stop dating unbelieving men, was that I'd never be able to date a Christian guy. I've never done it before and I figured I'd fail miserably because I'd failed horrendously with non-Christian guys and the deep hard wounds that I had to bear. Praises the Most High because He worked on my heart this summer and opened up my eyes and my heart to see my brothers in Christ as reflections of Him and not the world and what the lust of my eyes wants to see. That is such a huge blessing that the Lord made come true for me that I would've forgotten had he not made me remember.
Psalms 119: 37 - "Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things, and give me life in your ways." I pray this verse as a request daily to cease striving after love, marriage, children, which I still struggle with but these desires don't rule me.
What's been so amazing for me as I've noticed it the past couple of days and just made me even in more of the Lord. I was like, Lord you make each of one of us so uniquely different and yet it all works for Christ and your glory. That totally mind-boggles me. True Christians are the only ones that really get along despite our differences in the way the Lord intricately woven us because He is the fabric, thread that holds us together. It's so awesome. Another way the Lord just blows my mind. Such knowledge like this is too high for me and He says this.
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55: 8-9
He reveals himself to me in those small little ways and I'm just like whoa God you are so cool. I tell you I don't know much about theology. I couldn't debate theological discussions, that's not my thing unless the Lord does something about that. But I'm an observer, I like details, I'm visual, I like taking pictures with my eyes and staring at the real thing. Because I'm looking at God, totally loving his creation but loving my Creator even more.
God's love is deeper than any ocean, haha this just brought up Phil Wickham's song "Jesus Lord of Heaven," off his Cannons CD. He says in a line that Jesus's love is deeper than any ocean. Okay not only do I have a God so Awesome that loves me, I have Jesus that loves me too and makes intercession. My Lord and High Priest calls me his friend. I'm Jesus's friend and I'm being perfected in him. I will definitely have to say that it quite an election, to be chosen by God and be his friend and loved by Jesus and Comforted by His Spirit. And all of this is free by the way. I didn't earn it.
The more I go through trials I'm not as afraid or scared. Romans 8: 18-39(ESV) says:
Future Glory
18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
19
The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.
20
For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope
21
that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
22
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.
23
Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?
25
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
More Than Conquerors
28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
29
For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
30
And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?
32
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
33
Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.
34
Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.
35
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
36
As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
37
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
38
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
39
neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
The more I realize the treasure that is Christ the more I'm being molded and becoming more like him and dying to myself. Praises to the Holy Triune God. I am getting sleepy I will update later and get some rest now. Resting in the Sovereign Grace of God I give thanks for life and would see fit to choose me for his kingdom, wow, what an amazing gift of salvation and love and mercy. God is soo good.
God's Sovereignty In My Oral Surgery
~9/10/09~
I needed to get my tooth removed. Immediately what came to my mind was the image of a giant three and half inch long needle trying to find its way down to my gums. I had tried so hard not to think about this during the days leading up to the surgery. I hadn't been resting in God at all, I was distracting myself with all other things except running to my Daddy and finding my comfort there. i can't blame the meds for throwing me off balance but having a painful toothache and not being able to talk so well, didn't make things go smoother either. I realized that I've been having a really bad attitude about my life and work because everything still felt the same. I was growing in my walk but the other messes in my life still seemed to remain and that was really starting to drag me down. I guess I didn't want to listen to God or I didn't really know to. The night before at College Group there was a song which I don't remember the lyrics but all I remember is that it mentioned something about letting the tears come. I needed to cry, I don't like crying, I'm not a crier but I needed to. I'd been holding on to my pride and not finding my rest in the Lord.
That morning before the surgery, I wanted to spend some time in the Word just to hear God comfort me. He spoke to me in a different way afterwards but He really wanted to hear from me. As I began to pray the tears began to flow and I confessed my sins before him. It was such a nice relief to cry before him, I knew His presence was with me because nothing else mattered only me pouring my heart out to him.
On the train ride I didn't realize that I'd make it to San Francisco so early so I went to hang out at work. Yep my co-workers are cool like that, that I can go bug them on my days off and it's still cool. A blessing I find that i do take for granted. The time just ended up flying by so fast and before you know it I was the one racing back to go meet my friend and sister in Christ, Rebekah. It was so cool walking with her and listening as she spoke about the Lord. Nothing else mattered in that moment but being thankful for my friend being there and I too wanted to be there for her and share in the joy that she's experiencing in the Lord. It is always the neatest and completely blows me away and I praise God for this. When I am around my brothers and sisters in Christ, there's a safety, security and peace that resides that I can't describe to you, it's just there and makes it so easy to move about loving one another in Christ. You know I really do underestimate this Holy Spirit person, He's really awesome too.
I got into the doctor's office, I got scared. The nerves were building; and you know what I realized on the drive home. You ever notice how small doctor's offices are especially the dentist's? I realized that too was also contributing to my nervousness. The dental surgeon was a very friendly man. Mind you none of this had anything to do with me, this is where the Lord answered my prayers and once again, moved in ways I never saw it coming and blew me away. The surgeon told me it was a good thing to be afraid and that began to tear down one of my defenses. Deep down I believe the Spirit told me that I could trust this man. I started bawling like a baby after he left the room because I'm expecting him to come back with that giant needle I keep picturing in my mind. I kid you not, he said he was going to put me to sleep. I didn't believe him I thought he was just making a joke. One I couldn't afford it and I didn't know what general sedation was. The nurse secretary lady came in and told me that he was going to put me to sleep, like the one where you're knocked out for a while. I told her that I couldn't afford it and I'd just do the local anesthesia thing. Five minutes later the secretary returns and she says the doctor's not going to charge you. I was in utter shock and disbelief, he wasn't going to charge me for it. The Lord just took $550 off my medical bill, he did that for me. I was so amazed, from that point on I didn't feel so scared about the surgery.
Rebekah had prayed with me before I went in and that helped a lot. Once I was led into surgery, I gotta tell you, these guys took way better care of me than when I was having my ankle surgery. The person in charge of the IV was so kind and so funny and praise the Lord I didn't look at the needle. They spray this cold spray on the vein area, oh it was cold. He was right, if you sprayed enough of it it would hurt because it was so cold. I just felt a little prick and the needle was in. Now taking that hospital tape off hurt more afterwards than the needle going in, those tape things sting. The whole staff just went to work. I can compare it to being like a nascar racecar going into pit lane and the entire pit crew is waiting for you and once you're in. They just immediately seek to your immediate care. How humbling that was to me seeing that staff's willingness to serve. Oh you betcha I was learning about being a servant at work. It is true, sometimes you really just don't know who is watching you and who you will have an impact on or who will have an impact on you. Once the surgeon came in, He administered the IV, dude not even like two seconds the only thing I remember is hearing heart monitors, they had me on heart monitors and then I felt that oxygen thing because they put one up my nose. I was like this is interesting but this is cool. I wasn't afraid anymore. When the anethesia kicked in, all I was one purple tie dye, two red dye prints and I was out.
I woke up and I was like "wha, wha, where am I?" I couldn't move my body but I could hear all the outside conversation. Your brain really doesn't sleep I tell you, I wanted to be a part of the conversation. I was kinda like ah did anyone forget about me. I don't even remember half the stuff I said to the staff after surgery but apparantly my brain still functioned perfectly. I don't even know what time the surgery ended but I fell asleep til three. It did not help matters that I wanted a fat cheeseburger and then told that I could only eat soft foods.
It still hasn't hit me yet the impact of this surgery. I'm so grateful to the Lord that He would remembered something like this. Of course He would, I just didn't want to. I knew how serious it was when it reentered so fast back into my life so unexpectantly. This experience has been so amazing just watching the Lord being in full control and showing me His love. I was his little girl yesterday and He took such good care of me, my mind cannot fathom the love that He has shown me through all of this. This is so cool now that I can go to the dentist and just get regular check ups now and not have this fear in the back of my mind. Whew my breath won't be kicking anymore and my lifespan won't get cut short because that's what could've happened had this thing not been treated. I could've wound up with oral cancer which you can die from by the way. I'd say this kind of cancer is even scarier than ovarian cancer because blood vessels are right underneath your teeth so if an infection were to get into your bloodstream, it would be life threatening. I can feel happier now about having kids in the future lol.
It feels weird right now the right side of my mouth, it's still swollen and the medication is making me have some really interesting dreams, some were a little scary but all in all I've been so blessed with this whole experience and seeing the Lord move so fast, my jaw just drops at His quickness. To see Him be there for me, the work He did in the hearts of everyone. He was super super Sovereign and so in control. I saw my Daddy being in total Sovereign control and it is way more cooler than anything I could've ever imagined. I will be reflecting on this for a long time to come. I'm still in awe of all He does. Wow, wow and a bigger WOW!
I needed to get my tooth removed. Immediately what came to my mind was the image of a giant three and half inch long needle trying to find its way down to my gums. I had tried so hard not to think about this during the days leading up to the surgery. I hadn't been resting in God at all, I was distracting myself with all other things except running to my Daddy and finding my comfort there. i can't blame the meds for throwing me off balance but having a painful toothache and not being able to talk so well, didn't make things go smoother either. I realized that I've been having a really bad attitude about my life and work because everything still felt the same. I was growing in my walk but the other messes in my life still seemed to remain and that was really starting to drag me down. I guess I didn't want to listen to God or I didn't really know to. The night before at College Group there was a song which I don't remember the lyrics but all I remember is that it mentioned something about letting the tears come. I needed to cry, I don't like crying, I'm not a crier but I needed to. I'd been holding on to my pride and not finding my rest in the Lord.
That morning before the surgery, I wanted to spend some time in the Word just to hear God comfort me. He spoke to me in a different way afterwards but He really wanted to hear from me. As I began to pray the tears began to flow and I confessed my sins before him. It was such a nice relief to cry before him, I knew His presence was with me because nothing else mattered only me pouring my heart out to him.
On the train ride I didn't realize that I'd make it to San Francisco so early so I went to hang out at work. Yep my co-workers are cool like that, that I can go bug them on my days off and it's still cool. A blessing I find that i do take for granted. The time just ended up flying by so fast and before you know it I was the one racing back to go meet my friend and sister in Christ, Rebekah. It was so cool walking with her and listening as she spoke about the Lord. Nothing else mattered in that moment but being thankful for my friend being there and I too wanted to be there for her and share in the joy that she's experiencing in the Lord. It is always the neatest and completely blows me away and I praise God for this. When I am around my brothers and sisters in Christ, there's a safety, security and peace that resides that I can't describe to you, it's just there and makes it so easy to move about loving one another in Christ. You know I really do underestimate this Holy Spirit person, He's really awesome too.
I got into the doctor's office, I got scared. The nerves were building; and you know what I realized on the drive home. You ever notice how small doctor's offices are especially the dentist's? I realized that too was also contributing to my nervousness. The dental surgeon was a very friendly man. Mind you none of this had anything to do with me, this is where the Lord answered my prayers and once again, moved in ways I never saw it coming and blew me away. The surgeon told me it was a good thing to be afraid and that began to tear down one of my defenses. Deep down I believe the Spirit told me that I could trust this man. I started bawling like a baby after he left the room because I'm expecting him to come back with that giant needle I keep picturing in my mind. I kid you not, he said he was going to put me to sleep. I didn't believe him I thought he was just making a joke. One I couldn't afford it and I didn't know what general sedation was. The nurse secretary lady came in and told me that he was going to put me to sleep, like the one where you're knocked out for a while. I told her that I couldn't afford it and I'd just do the local anesthesia thing. Five minutes later the secretary returns and she says the doctor's not going to charge you. I was in utter shock and disbelief, he wasn't going to charge me for it. The Lord just took $550 off my medical bill, he did that for me. I was so amazed, from that point on I didn't feel so scared about the surgery.
Rebekah had prayed with me before I went in and that helped a lot. Once I was led into surgery, I gotta tell you, these guys took way better care of me than when I was having my ankle surgery. The person in charge of the IV was so kind and so funny and praise the Lord I didn't look at the needle. They spray this cold spray on the vein area, oh it was cold. He was right, if you sprayed enough of it it would hurt because it was so cold. I just felt a little prick and the needle was in. Now taking that hospital tape off hurt more afterwards than the needle going in, those tape things sting. The whole staff just went to work. I can compare it to being like a nascar racecar going into pit lane and the entire pit crew is waiting for you and once you're in. They just immediately seek to your immediate care. How humbling that was to me seeing that staff's willingness to serve. Oh you betcha I was learning about being a servant at work. It is true, sometimes you really just don't know who is watching you and who you will have an impact on or who will have an impact on you. Once the surgeon came in, He administered the IV, dude not even like two seconds the only thing I remember is hearing heart monitors, they had me on heart monitors and then I felt that oxygen thing because they put one up my nose. I was like this is interesting but this is cool. I wasn't afraid anymore. When the anethesia kicked in, all I was one purple tie dye, two red dye prints and I was out.
I woke up and I was like "wha, wha, where am I?" I couldn't move my body but I could hear all the outside conversation. Your brain really doesn't sleep I tell you, I wanted to be a part of the conversation. I was kinda like ah did anyone forget about me. I don't even remember half the stuff I said to the staff after surgery but apparantly my brain still functioned perfectly. I don't even know what time the surgery ended but I fell asleep til three. It did not help matters that I wanted a fat cheeseburger and then told that I could only eat soft foods.
It still hasn't hit me yet the impact of this surgery. I'm so grateful to the Lord that He would remembered something like this. Of course He would, I just didn't want to. I knew how serious it was when it reentered so fast back into my life so unexpectantly. This experience has been so amazing just watching the Lord being in full control and showing me His love. I was his little girl yesterday and He took such good care of me, my mind cannot fathom the love that He has shown me through all of this. This is so cool now that I can go to the dentist and just get regular check ups now and not have this fear in the back of my mind. Whew my breath won't be kicking anymore and my lifespan won't get cut short because that's what could've happened had this thing not been treated. I could've wound up with oral cancer which you can die from by the way. I'd say this kind of cancer is even scarier than ovarian cancer because blood vessels are right underneath your teeth so if an infection were to get into your bloodstream, it would be life threatening. I can feel happier now about having kids in the future lol.
It feels weird right now the right side of my mouth, it's still swollen and the medication is making me have some really interesting dreams, some were a little scary but all in all I've been so blessed with this whole experience and seeing the Lord move so fast, my jaw just drops at His quickness. To see Him be there for me, the work He did in the hearts of everyone. He was super super Sovereign and so in control. I saw my Daddy being in total Sovereign control and it is way more cooler than anything I could've ever imagined. I will be reflecting on this for a long time to come. I'm still in awe of all He does. Wow, wow and a bigger WOW!
Monday, August 3, 2009
I'm Too Much
But, as it is written, "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him,"
1 Corinthians 2:9
When I want to give up, it's so nice to read a verse like this and it makes me run back to the Lord and realize that in him, I have all I could ever need. What a faithful God we have. Lately I just haven't been able to get a grip on my emotions and self-control. Falling into sin and giving into temptation and realizing the shame of it. I feel like such a hypocrite when I go down this road. When I give into the desires of my flesh, it only ends in frustration and I still end up losing in the end. The utter rejection that I feel, that I"m too much, I'll never be good enough.
My life the last couple of days I just feel like everything's falling apart around me and I just want to give up and leave it all. My living situation isn't great financially and it would be nice to move somewhere else more affordable but I wouldn't even know where to begin. I like where I live only because it's close to BART and my church. I've lived in the Bay Area for almost seven years. I came out here for school, that hasn't bid me well and I haven't gained any success really in my endeavours. But despite the lack of success in jobs and education, I've been able to see life for what it really is and how much I really need God. Every bump and hurdle in the road, He's brought me through them all. I've been told that all the mishaps that I've experienced in this present time will only make me stronger in the future. I know that I have a hope and a future. Right now it is hard to believe that when the walls around you are caving in.
School's cool, I love my program but I'm so afraid of how to pursue a career. I've felt so shut down for the last couple of years that there hasn't been anything that truly inspires me. Has my dreams been shot down that deeply that I've lost hope? That could be the case but right now, there's not much self-confidence I have for careers and jobs. Yes we all need to work. I've never been the one that dreamt about working in the office, I always pictured myself working from home inside a studio. I've been blessed with the gift to be able to learn and adapt to many things and that includes the realm of education, unless math is included then that's another story. But I"ve just never had it in me to be the one that comes home to the kids, that I always dreamt would be reserved for the hubby. My dream has always been to be a stay at home mom, teleconference and have my own studio working on design in my home. I love the program that I"m studying at school, I'm fascinated with it and the fact that I'm learning something and being surrounded by passionate people. I want all of my classmates to do well, they're very talented and I have said hurtful things about them of which I am sorry for. None the less they inspire me and I"d do whatever I can to help them. Maybe that's the part where the LORD would have me learn to serve others because truthfully I don't expect a return for myself. Who doesn't want success, we all do. I get more joy seeing others around me doing well if I've been able to contribute to that even just a small portion.
I have had a lot of anxiety over being able to return to school in the Fall. I wish it could happen but I'm unsure about it. Everything is closing in around me and I can't help but cry. It's hard not being covetous when others are doing well and you're on your bottom lacking bread. The effect that has on your spirit and no matter where you try to run, the Devil is at your backdoor ready to crush you. I've been crushed a couple of times already this year and I feel as though it'll only continue to be that way. But time and time again, the Lord has to remind me that He loves me, that He's always been faithful and He has. He has been a good God. And I"m so grateful that when I fall, He's right on me, I can't be plucked out of his hand if I"m truly his. How can a mortal human become perfection in Christ? How can God still love us despite the insane number of times that we break His heart and throw Him to the side and deny His worth? Why me? Why would God cause his Precious Son to die for this ever-failing, poor decision, human being that is me? I can't comprehend so great a Love as His. I just can't understand how he loves me that much.
So much I want to give up at times and I've kept quiet and not sharing the Lord with unbelievers. I haven't won any souls for Christ, look at my soul, I'm always messing up and ruining things. When I want to give up and follow after my flesh, all I see is condemnation and the road that leads to death and failure. I get so scared for all the people who don't know Christ or have rejected him. The things that they've allowed themselves to be comfortable with and the lies that have been told. So many people are going to go to Hell and I'm not doing anything to remind them that it's not too late for them to repent.
My heart aches for the people in my life that I care about that don't know Christ as the Risen Savior, that died for them. I become afraid to talk about him, ask them how are their lives without him? Why are they afraid to know him? I wish I had the guts to ask these questions and I simply don't. I pray for my mom to be saved. I pray for my ex-boyfriend to be saved. And there's so much that I'll never be able to understand and that constant "what if?''
This past week I"ve been struggling to find my validation in Christ. It was so easy for me to rip my ex to shreds over the lies and deception that he put up a good front on. Then I realized that I was equally guilty in my part. Thinking that a man can complete me especially one who doesn't belong to Christ. I really wanted him to come to Christ. Now it's only afterwards I realize that I did nothing that was an example of Christ living in me. It's so funny (I only think it's funny, I'm chuckling but it's not really funny but the thought is, oh nevermind) so much I thought I wasn't liked because of my skin color, going to school, working, that I was always doing too much, that I"m doing too much and somewhere along that line, it pushed him away. I loved too much, relaxed too much, depended on him too much, I gave too much and too soon. This is something I simply believe, that I'm "too much". I invite with my beauty thinking I'm the hot stuff when I want to be and saying "back off" at the same time. I really don't know who I am has a woman right now and all my defenses are crashing down. I don't know how I'm going to find my worth and my validation in Christ but He's the only one that can fix this very very broken woman. I've never been good with complements, I don't mind giving them to others but I don't like receiving them. Why? I don't know, I guess it's my fear that for small glimpse of a second, my guard will come down and who I am as a woman will be revealed. Or I don't believe it. It's one thing to know that you're hot but it's another thing to believe you're beautiful. I can't get my affirmation of being beautiful from my mom, I can't get that from others even though I think they're absolutely beautiful. So it looks like my only option is to get it from God. The Great Almighty God of this Universe, can fix this broken girl?
Yeah, that's what he said: Jeremiah 32:27 (English Standard Version)
"Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?" I realize now that I hurt him when I said in my heart, 'that no you can't fix my broken heart. You can't heal all the pain, all the hurtful words, memories. I'm not of worth to anyone, not even to you. I'm too much" All these I've said to him because I don't think I'm worthy to be healed and I'm too much.
Then he says to me:
Isaiah 43:4 - "Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you,I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life."
Matthew 10: 31- "Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Psalms 139: 16- "Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your(U) book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."
There's so much uncertainty in my life and I don't know which way to go. Times I just want to run away and keep running but the pain's still there. Hoping for something different to happen everyday but after a while it all feels the same. Reading those verses just now, really comforted me.
Romans 8:1-2 - "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."
Phillippians 1: 6- Philippians 1:6 (English Standard Version)
"And I am sure of this, that he who begana good work in youwill bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
To be continued...
1 Corinthians 2:9
When I want to give up, it's so nice to read a verse like this and it makes me run back to the Lord and realize that in him, I have all I could ever need. What a faithful God we have. Lately I just haven't been able to get a grip on my emotions and self-control. Falling into sin and giving into temptation and realizing the shame of it. I feel like such a hypocrite when I go down this road. When I give into the desires of my flesh, it only ends in frustration and I still end up losing in the end. The utter rejection that I feel, that I"m too much, I'll never be good enough.
My life the last couple of days I just feel like everything's falling apart around me and I just want to give up and leave it all. My living situation isn't great financially and it would be nice to move somewhere else more affordable but I wouldn't even know where to begin. I like where I live only because it's close to BART and my church. I've lived in the Bay Area for almost seven years. I came out here for school, that hasn't bid me well and I haven't gained any success really in my endeavours. But despite the lack of success in jobs and education, I've been able to see life for what it really is and how much I really need God. Every bump and hurdle in the road, He's brought me through them all. I've been told that all the mishaps that I've experienced in this present time will only make me stronger in the future. I know that I have a hope and a future. Right now it is hard to believe that when the walls around you are caving in.
School's cool, I love my program but I'm so afraid of how to pursue a career. I've felt so shut down for the last couple of years that there hasn't been anything that truly inspires me. Has my dreams been shot down that deeply that I've lost hope? That could be the case but right now, there's not much self-confidence I have for careers and jobs. Yes we all need to work. I've never been the one that dreamt about working in the office, I always pictured myself working from home inside a studio. I've been blessed with the gift to be able to learn and adapt to many things and that includes the realm of education, unless math is included then that's another story. But I"ve just never had it in me to be the one that comes home to the kids, that I always dreamt would be reserved for the hubby. My dream has always been to be a stay at home mom, teleconference and have my own studio working on design in my home. I love the program that I"m studying at school, I'm fascinated with it and the fact that I'm learning something and being surrounded by passionate people. I want all of my classmates to do well, they're very talented and I have said hurtful things about them of which I am sorry for. None the less they inspire me and I"d do whatever I can to help them. Maybe that's the part where the LORD would have me learn to serve others because truthfully I don't expect a return for myself. Who doesn't want success, we all do. I get more joy seeing others around me doing well if I've been able to contribute to that even just a small portion.
I have had a lot of anxiety over being able to return to school in the Fall. I wish it could happen but I'm unsure about it. Everything is closing in around me and I can't help but cry. It's hard not being covetous when others are doing well and you're on your bottom lacking bread. The effect that has on your spirit and no matter where you try to run, the Devil is at your backdoor ready to crush you. I've been crushed a couple of times already this year and I feel as though it'll only continue to be that way. But time and time again, the Lord has to remind me that He loves me, that He's always been faithful and He has. He has been a good God. And I"m so grateful that when I fall, He's right on me, I can't be plucked out of his hand if I"m truly his. How can a mortal human become perfection in Christ? How can God still love us despite the insane number of times that we break His heart and throw Him to the side and deny His worth? Why me? Why would God cause his Precious Son to die for this ever-failing, poor decision, human being that is me? I can't comprehend so great a Love as His. I just can't understand how he loves me that much.
So much I want to give up at times and I've kept quiet and not sharing the Lord with unbelievers. I haven't won any souls for Christ, look at my soul, I'm always messing up and ruining things. When I want to give up and follow after my flesh, all I see is condemnation and the road that leads to death and failure. I get so scared for all the people who don't know Christ or have rejected him. The things that they've allowed themselves to be comfortable with and the lies that have been told. So many people are going to go to Hell and I'm not doing anything to remind them that it's not too late for them to repent.
My heart aches for the people in my life that I care about that don't know Christ as the Risen Savior, that died for them. I become afraid to talk about him, ask them how are their lives without him? Why are they afraid to know him? I wish I had the guts to ask these questions and I simply don't. I pray for my mom to be saved. I pray for my ex-boyfriend to be saved. And there's so much that I'll never be able to understand and that constant "what if?''
This past week I"ve been struggling to find my validation in Christ. It was so easy for me to rip my ex to shreds over the lies and deception that he put up a good front on. Then I realized that I was equally guilty in my part. Thinking that a man can complete me especially one who doesn't belong to Christ. I really wanted him to come to Christ. Now it's only afterwards I realize that I did nothing that was an example of Christ living in me. It's so funny (I only think it's funny, I'm chuckling but it's not really funny but the thought is, oh nevermind) so much I thought I wasn't liked because of my skin color, going to school, working, that I was always doing too much, that I"m doing too much and somewhere along that line, it pushed him away. I loved too much, relaxed too much, depended on him too much, I gave too much and too soon. This is something I simply believe, that I'm "too much". I invite with my beauty thinking I'm the hot stuff when I want to be and saying "back off" at the same time. I really don't know who I am has a woman right now and all my defenses are crashing down. I don't know how I'm going to find my worth and my validation in Christ but He's the only one that can fix this very very broken woman. I've never been good with complements, I don't mind giving them to others but I don't like receiving them. Why? I don't know, I guess it's my fear that for small glimpse of a second, my guard will come down and who I am as a woman will be revealed. Or I don't believe it. It's one thing to know that you're hot but it's another thing to believe you're beautiful. I can't get my affirmation of being beautiful from my mom, I can't get that from others even though I think they're absolutely beautiful. So it looks like my only option is to get it from God. The Great Almighty God of this Universe, can fix this broken girl?
Yeah, that's what he said: Jeremiah 32:27 (English Standard Version)
"Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?" I realize now that I hurt him when I said in my heart, 'that no you can't fix my broken heart. You can't heal all the pain, all the hurtful words, memories. I'm not of worth to anyone, not even to you. I'm too much" All these I've said to him because I don't think I'm worthy to be healed and I'm too much.
Then he says to me:
Isaiah 43:4 - "Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you,I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life."
Matthew 10: 31- "Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Psalms 139: 16- "Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your(U) book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."
There's so much uncertainty in my life and I don't know which way to go. Times I just want to run away and keep running but the pain's still there. Hoping for something different to happen everyday but after a while it all feels the same. Reading those verses just now, really comforted me.
Romans 8:1-2 - "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."
Phillippians 1: 6- Philippians 1:6 (English Standard Version)
"And I am sure of this, that he who begana good work in youwill bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
To be continued...
Monday, July 27, 2009
Validation
It's been a long time since I have posted anything here. A lot has happened over the last couple of months. I could spend hours retracing everything and the Lord's goodness but I don't have such luxuries presently, but that doesn't mean that I haven't forgotten what I've been through. I'll just try to focus on what I'm currently going through, hopefully to just shoot off some steam and clear my thoughts.
I've been reading a book called "Captivating," and presently for the first time in my life, I'm not seeking out the love of my life. It's funny I thought about that the other day, "the love of my life." Wait a minute, a man is not supposed to be the love of my life, Jesus is. Yeah that slapped me in the face. All these love cliches that I've had, I just realize how much those belonged to the Lord and not seeking from a guy. I read that same book,"Captivating," this morning on BART and I definitely felt my being close up, just backing off from the idea of opening myself, becoming vulnerable. I really didn't want to be vulnerable, I don't feel capable of being loved, I think that I'm too much, that such a thing as a blessed union between a man and woman, the way GOD designed it to me. That couldn't possibly happen to me. I went down that road once before and it didn't end well. I don't think I have the energy or the emotional capacity to set myself up for that again. And yet I seek out validation from guys when I can only get my validation from Christ. This validation thing I sought from my ex, which I'm realizing now. The more and more I read about romance and relationships and know now what's really the driving force behind whether or not they work, it honestly scares me.
I think I've become comfortable to being by myself, not wanting anyone to get close. At least I'm very grateful now that I can have friendships, true friendships with girls whereas before, I used to think all girls despised me and mainly I never had many to begin with. I love the friendships that I have with my sisters in Christ. The guy's version of Captivating is called "Wild at Heart," but that's how I feel. I feel like a wild spirit, I feel like I'm not just one single element that comes to mind and it's like yup, that's Kay. Nope, I don't fit that category. I've never been the one to keep my feelings to myself, certain thoughts for sure, yes but I can't keep things in. Strangely still when I vent my feelings, hurts and frustrations, the wound is still there.
There's a lot I don't understand and half the time I just feel like I"m not cut out, I can't do this. It's so hard to be a Christian but the Lord brings me to the realization and my pride that I struggle with because I tell myself that I"m not worthy even before the Lord. I don't realize that I hurt him when I say that in my heart. That the great God of this universe, who says there's nothing too hard for him and I say that I'm of no worth when He's the one that redeemed me. So why do I feel unworthy? The Lord truly knows the answer to this one. I could say that the things that I'm seeking to validate my worth in, to make me complete are all outside of the fact that God alone is the one that can and is able to perfect me on the day His Son returns.
I guess I think about what people think about me or what they're thinking but not really saying. I have definitely noticed that I have withdrawn my vulnerability for fears that I'm going to get burned. That I won't be cherished or treasured. In fact that's how I"m supposed to be that way with the Lord and I mess this up all the time and never get it right. I always say, "if only this were...if only that were..." but that never solves anything because the wound is still there deep down inside.
It seems that I have much of a very broken heart that's in need of healing. I feel like I'll never attract a solid mate or how would I even know if the one the Lord puts in front of me, will I actually submit. Those things are so hard for me to see even though my flesh longs for that, but not my Spirit. This thing these two war over. I don't know how this validation thing is going to work out for me but it is what I need. I don't know if this will happen overnight or will it take five years. But yeah, I'm not depressed or anything, I just have some issues with acceptance and whatever worth that is in me.
I've been reading a book called "Captivating," and presently for the first time in my life, I'm not seeking out the love of my life. It's funny I thought about that the other day, "the love of my life." Wait a minute, a man is not supposed to be the love of my life, Jesus is. Yeah that slapped me in the face. All these love cliches that I've had, I just realize how much those belonged to the Lord and not seeking from a guy. I read that same book,"Captivating," this morning on BART and I definitely felt my being close up, just backing off from the idea of opening myself, becoming vulnerable. I really didn't want to be vulnerable, I don't feel capable of being loved, I think that I'm too much, that such a thing as a blessed union between a man and woman, the way GOD designed it to me. That couldn't possibly happen to me. I went down that road once before and it didn't end well. I don't think I have the energy or the emotional capacity to set myself up for that again. And yet I seek out validation from guys when I can only get my validation from Christ. This validation thing I sought from my ex, which I'm realizing now. The more and more I read about romance and relationships and know now what's really the driving force behind whether or not they work, it honestly scares me.
I think I've become comfortable to being by myself, not wanting anyone to get close. At least I'm very grateful now that I can have friendships, true friendships with girls whereas before, I used to think all girls despised me and mainly I never had many to begin with. I love the friendships that I have with my sisters in Christ. The guy's version of Captivating is called "Wild at Heart," but that's how I feel. I feel like a wild spirit, I feel like I'm not just one single element that comes to mind and it's like yup, that's Kay. Nope, I don't fit that category. I've never been the one to keep my feelings to myself, certain thoughts for sure, yes but I can't keep things in. Strangely still when I vent my feelings, hurts and frustrations, the wound is still there.
There's a lot I don't understand and half the time I just feel like I"m not cut out, I can't do this. It's so hard to be a Christian but the Lord brings me to the realization and my pride that I struggle with because I tell myself that I"m not worthy even before the Lord. I don't realize that I hurt him when I say that in my heart. That the great God of this universe, who says there's nothing too hard for him and I say that I'm of no worth when He's the one that redeemed me. So why do I feel unworthy? The Lord truly knows the answer to this one. I could say that the things that I'm seeking to validate my worth in, to make me complete are all outside of the fact that God alone is the one that can and is able to perfect me on the day His Son returns.
I guess I think about what people think about me or what they're thinking but not really saying. I have definitely noticed that I have withdrawn my vulnerability for fears that I'm going to get burned. That I won't be cherished or treasured. In fact that's how I"m supposed to be that way with the Lord and I mess this up all the time and never get it right. I always say, "if only this were...if only that were..." but that never solves anything because the wound is still there deep down inside.
It seems that I have much of a very broken heart that's in need of healing. I feel like I'll never attract a solid mate or how would I even know if the one the Lord puts in front of me, will I actually submit. Those things are so hard for me to see even though my flesh longs for that, but not my Spirit. This thing these two war over. I don't know how this validation thing is going to work out for me but it is what I need. I don't know if this will happen overnight or will it take five years. But yeah, I'm not depressed or anything, I just have some issues with acceptance and whatever worth that is in me.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Lord is MY Shepherd Psalms 23
Time after time when I've passed you by.
Traveling down my own road,
Not taking heed to your direction;
Just being my own guide.
I've traveled many destination;
Forgetting that my true destination,
Was to head home to you.
Many times, I had to stop and change the tires,
so that I could quick be on my way.
Once I got to where I thought I was going,
I asked myself, was I really there?
All the while, you called me to you.
Believing in my own strength,
I ran from you.
I wanted to run away from it all,
And give up all hope in you.
Trying to please others,
And at the same time, wanting nothing to do with anyone.
Try and try as I may,
Only because of your unfailing and undying love.
I knew I needed to turn around.
I'd look in the mirror,
BUt was I really there.
I think I went on lockdown,
Lost in my own free space.
Have I found what I was looking for?
No not really,
I still haven't found me.
Someone else has,
And He has all the answers that I need to do.
I was so foolish and so blind,
Not putting my trust in Him and Him alone.
Putting our faith and trust in humanity;
In the end it all will vanish away.
Then I wonder when it all comes to an end,
I wish I'd known.
The joy that I seek in my life,
I can't supply it for myself,
only He can.
I've acknowledge His presence,
But I haven't given Him his praise.
I'm just the wandering sheep.
Slowly baited, desparately trying not to wave off course.
I've seen places and many faces that deny the LORD.
At this point, I feel blessed knowing what I know.
I'm thankful that I was blessed with the heart that accepted Christ.
I"m no perfect human being and I've got a ton of work to do,
To be where God wants me to be.
The great thing is knowing that I can put my faith and trust,
In HIm because He already has it all laid out for me.
The conception of my birth, was the greatest blessing of my being.
Getting caught up in the frailties of the world,
Only leads one to despair.
People are who they really are.
I fear no one, don't wish anything on anyone.
Whatever you do, you deal with GOD.
I gave up all the things that I thought would make me happy.
I can't please another soul,
Especially if I can only temporarily please myself without wanting more.
As human beings we always want more
But only our hope lies in Jesus,
Nothing can quench the desires of who we are.
I'm just a sheep, we all are sheep.
Everything in this life will past away.
Those who put their faith in material things,
Those who put their faith in religion,
But still have no clue who God really is.
God is a very forgiving God.
I can't understand half the time,
A God so mighty and powerful,
Loves so dearly and tenderly at the same time.
When I turn my mind off and tune the world out,
Be still and realize that He's with me,
Nothing or no man can break that bond.
I"ve traveled down many roads,
Busted cars, busted engines,
Busted tires, sometimes walking with my own two feet.
Some places I should've ran away from and never went there.
Soem places, I needed to be there.
At the end when it comes down to it.
God said Love Him first, Love others second.
May His Love, Peace, Spirit, and Truth rest deep in your heart.
If you've forgotten who He is,
He's not hard to find,
He's standing right with you.
My life is not mine,
I was bought with a price.
Blood was shed for my soul.
Our God is an awesome God who reigns in Heaven and Earth.
I am not ashamed,
Nor should any of His children be.
Man accepts no excuses.
God forgives and only He alone heals.
Love the LORD always,
His burden is light.
And all I have to say is that,
I'm not spending my eternity in Hell.
I'm waiting for that Homecoming Day,
When Jesus comes back and takes His children home.
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Traveling down my own road,
Not taking heed to your direction;
Just being my own guide.
I've traveled many destination;
Forgetting that my true destination,
Was to head home to you.
Many times, I had to stop and change the tires,
so that I could quick be on my way.
Once I got to where I thought I was going,
I asked myself, was I really there?
All the while, you called me to you.
Believing in my own strength,
I ran from you.
I wanted to run away from it all,
And give up all hope in you.
Trying to please others,
And at the same time, wanting nothing to do with anyone.
Try and try as I may,
Only because of your unfailing and undying love.
I knew I needed to turn around.
I'd look in the mirror,
BUt was I really there.
I think I went on lockdown,
Lost in my own free space.
Have I found what I was looking for?
No not really,
I still haven't found me.
Someone else has,
And He has all the answers that I need to do.
I was so foolish and so blind,
Not putting my trust in Him and Him alone.
Putting our faith and trust in humanity;
In the end it all will vanish away.
Then I wonder when it all comes to an end,
I wish I'd known.
The joy that I seek in my life,
I can't supply it for myself,
only He can.
I've acknowledge His presence,
But I haven't given Him his praise.
I'm just the wandering sheep.
Slowly baited, desparately trying not to wave off course.
I've seen places and many faces that deny the LORD.
At this point, I feel blessed knowing what I know.
I'm thankful that I was blessed with the heart that accepted Christ.
I"m no perfect human being and I've got a ton of work to do,
To be where God wants me to be.
The great thing is knowing that I can put my faith and trust,
In HIm because He already has it all laid out for me.
The conception of my birth, was the greatest blessing of my being.
Getting caught up in the frailties of the world,
Only leads one to despair.
People are who they really are.
I fear no one, don't wish anything on anyone.
Whatever you do, you deal with GOD.
I gave up all the things that I thought would make me happy.
I can't please another soul,
Especially if I can only temporarily please myself without wanting more.
As human beings we always want more
But only our hope lies in Jesus,
Nothing can quench the desires of who we are.
I'm just a sheep, we all are sheep.
Everything in this life will past away.
Those who put their faith in material things,
Those who put their faith in religion,
But still have no clue who God really is.
God is a very forgiving God.
I can't understand half the time,
A God so mighty and powerful,
Loves so dearly and tenderly at the same time.
When I turn my mind off and tune the world out,
Be still and realize that He's with me,
Nothing or no man can break that bond.
I"ve traveled down many roads,
Busted cars, busted engines,
Busted tires, sometimes walking with my own two feet.
Some places I should've ran away from and never went there.
Soem places, I needed to be there.
At the end when it comes down to it.
God said Love Him first, Love others second.
May His Love, Peace, Spirit, and Truth rest deep in your heart.
If you've forgotten who He is,
He's not hard to find,
He's standing right with you.
My life is not mine,
I was bought with a price.
Blood was shed for my soul.
Our God is an awesome God who reigns in Heaven and Earth.
I am not ashamed,
Nor should any of His children be.
Man accepts no excuses.
God forgives and only He alone heals.
Love the LORD always,
His burden is light.
And all I have to say is that,
I'm not spending my eternity in Hell.
I'm waiting for that Homecoming Day,
When Jesus comes back and takes His children home.
glitter-graphics.com
God's Humbling Grace
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It's so easy to get comfortable and caught up in the things that go on in this world, that I myself have been very guilty of putting the LORD on the backburner. These past weeks He has humbled me more than I could last remember. He took all I had and gave me what I needed which was sufficient enough. I relied on God and I know God had the upper hand in all of which was going on. When I wanted to scream, cry, and get mad at the world because I had nowhere to turn to. I went to the LORD humbly seeking His grace. I try to think of other people; I found a new church where I live now and I feel so blessed to be in the house of the LORD, surrounded by his children who love Him the same as me.
The love and care that the LORD has showed me words cannot describe. Nights I would spend crying wondering if He really heard me, was He really there. Recently I've been trying to figure out how much do I know about Jesus, how personal is my relationship with Him and it confused me because I always talked to the LORD but I would forget who Jesus was. During these trials, Jesus has revealed Himself to me through His Word that I never would've thought. I read Isaiah 53: 4-9, this passage talks about the servant of the LORD and it talked about Jesus had to go through so that myself and the world could come back to the LORD. I broke down in tears and cried so hard because I don't deserve a love like that. I was ever more grateful when the world turns it's back on me and I feel like no one loves me or I have nowhere to turn to. Jesus told me last night and showed me that He has always been there, I just had to talk to him. I can't fathom the sacrifice Jesus gave for me and I'm almost about to tear up just thinking about it.
Whenever I think of trials, I'm always afraid because I know I did something really bad for God to punish me but if He didn't love me or the rest of you, I wouldn't be alive today. I learned a lot about God's grace. James 1: 2-4 : 2 Dear brothers and sisters,[a] when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. I don't like going through trials, they hurt and they suck but I am grateful to go through them. I have drawn closer to the LORD when I was afraid I was running farther away from Him. He knows the desires of my heart and the only thing I can do is to just Trust Him and give him full control. In all these things that I"ve been dealing with lately, school, family, friends, self-confidence,life and career. I just wanted to give up and say I don't want to go on anymore. There's a verse in Psalms that says " Be still and know that I"m the Lord." Then I realized that the LORD has the highest good for all of His children. There's another verse in the book of Psalms that says, "In God I put my trust, what can flesh do unto me?" Paying attention to that verse, I realized how futile it is to put your confidence in man because I don't know your heart or your thoughts but God lays out everything about Him in His word.
I've read Psalms 127 over and over and it's been one of my favorite passages that has given me hope that my dreams will come true one day. It's so frustrating when others have plans for you but the plans that you'd like just aren't working out the way that you want. In this, I have given my dreams over to God for they're not for evil. Right now, I don't feel important or seeing a reason to do what I"m doing. But I"ve been praying and leaving it in His hands because He knows what's best for me. Through all of this, I have learned to just turn it over Him and let it go. No thoughts, about "ooh what if i do this, what if I do that." I just stopped with all of it. I just had to shut up and let Him handle it. I have a peace now that no human being could've given me. I love people but this was the time that I needed to be with the LORD to learn about the God that loves me.
I finally realized that I have three incredibly powerful Advocates watching out for me: God the Father, God the Son and the Holy Spirit. It blows my mind that I have all three looking out for me and it's so comforting knowing this. I wish I could be a good witness to others about the humbling grace of God and the magnitude of His love. Surprisingly in this scariest of times for me, I haven't been afraid of the devil's attack because this is my time to be with the LORD. I will have more trials and I don't know when my present one will end but I hope to grow. God has given me nourishment when I didn't know when I was going to eat for the next two days and I just laid it at His feet.
I cannot tell you enough how good the LORD is, the peace. I've been putting up mental barriers and keeping all my emotions in, I know that God knows my heart and I just talked to him as though he were my friend. I told him how much I wished I could see his living face, how would I react if I were alive during the time that He came down to earth. I talked to him as I would to a good friend and told him, my desires in this life. He knows them and I leave it in His hands.
It's so hard to find peace in a cruel world. There's so much that I'd like to do, I didn't know where to begin so I just prayed for those people that my heart wished to help. I prayed for the people that I know so that they too would see His grace and the wonderful things that He can do in their life. I"ve been trying to think of any regrets that I have in my life. I have made many mistakes but they have all been for good because now I know. I am afraid to experience love because my heart was broken by the man I loved. I've been dealing with the hurt of that and trying not to hate him at the same time. I could be so angry and tell myself that I'm over it. Now I'm learning to let it go, to learn from it. There's the heartache but I don't regret it, though I tell myself that I do, I don't. It still hurts really bad as I try to put the pieces back together. I've been broken ever since this experience and my consciousness about a lot of things in my life have been very warped and I'm off balance. I am still learning many things through this experience. I am not mad at the person anymore, I wish I could have the same happiness that he presently has. I have forgiven him for the hurt and the pain. It's funny I tell people my age and they don't believe me. Right now I feel like a baby, slowly finding out the meaning to a lot of things that I didn't know. I now know the difference between when a man loves you and when he truly doesn't. I can say all this stuff but when it comes down to it, this was someone that I truly cared about and learning to accept that a part of me always will. My hope is now that I'll be able to experience the true joy of romance but be wiser this time and put God first. I guess the really good that I got out of this experience is that he helped me realized that I shouldn't settle for just any guy. The friendship and experience that was built between us is something that I can take comfort in and treasure the good memories and know that from this time forward that it gets better. In every bad, there's a lot of good.
You never see the lessons in a lot of things until months down the road. Many of the hurdles that I"ve experienced, their are very good reasons behind them. The LORD is good always and I can never forget that. The grace of the LORD is so abundant and with that He shows me that He and He only is the Sovereign Almighty God and He loves me! I'm so so blessed and many of you if you are a Christian, can take comfort in this. I offer this as encouragement to you when the dark days are heavy. Don't forget him in the good times too because everything is a blessing of the LORD no matter what it is. With that, I go about my day and do that, take it one day at a time and leave my worries at his front door. I'm trying to understand how much better does it get than this? If the joy He brings to our hearts down here is this powerful, imagine what'll be like when we're worshipping with him in Heaven. That glorious Homecoming Day, I can't wait but until then, I hope to be like the servant that Jesus was and continue to grow with Him with every new I'm alive.
For all of you going through trials, call on Him and draw near to him. There's no peace or comfort unlike it when He gives it to you and the best part is that nothing, there's nothing in existence that can take away His love and care for us, NOTHING!
God's Love is Real and Will Never Break Your Heart, Unlike Some Relationships
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Hmm in my last note, I humbly talked about the past love that I was still trying to get over. Each time I realize what a HUGE mistake it had been to give my heart to a NON-Christian man. I only stake my issue with this person and no one else. This is the fleshly part of me talking so God and I are going to be doing some talking about this one. A wonderful sister in Christ told me that you only set yourself up for disaster when you become unequally yolked with unbelievers.
That one hit the nail on the head when it was revealed to me. And yes I'm upset right now because so much I tried to accept that what happened was my fault. Now I'm going to sit here and laugh my tail off, not out loud because I"m in the lab and they'd think I was crazy or something and then I'd find it really funny. Sorry, rambling on here.
I have learned this lesson, wow this dude really really really had me. I take back all the credibility I ever gave to this person because I have a huge amount of respect for them. But because I am a Christian I have to put my feelings aside and look at this in the sense of how Jesus would want me to respond to this. This has been something that I've been struggling with for over a year and I keep trying to tell myself that I"m over it but I know there's something else that I wasn't recently until yesterday.
It doesn't hurt so bad anymore, I'm actually laughing really hard inside. I am so joyful in my trials right now, because as they slowly wane, I start to see what God had been telling. This man took my heart, emotions, love. I don't know why I even mention the word man because he's not a man. And it's not about who's better than who but I had a different heart than he did. A heart willing to serve, to love. He had a great girl in his path but was too scared to travel down that road with her but didn't have the heart to be honest with her and tell her how he truly felt. So instead of being honest to himself and to her, he went on as though nothing was wrong, never once tried to see the good himself though I saw it and only wanted the best for Him because that's what Jesus did for me. But he refused, he backed down and I stood up and so he stayed at the starting line never wanting to go down that road. So much credibility I gave to you because I loved you but now I see you for who you are. I've learned my lesson, I wish nothing bad on you but what you did was downright hurtful, betrayal and a liar you are. But it is what it is, things happen. I'm happy God knocked me on the head and I'm able to move past you because I deserve the love that He gives that you'll never match that even you don't have for you but what good is in us, there's nothing good in us because sin corrupted all of that and broke us away from God but because of God's love through Jesus. You know I'll break God's heart many times but I'll go to him crying in repentance and a heavy heart and he forgive, you, I don't know what to say about you.
In the Bridge of RED's song "Let Go.- 'you can't have me anymore." It is what it is. Each lie that has been revealed to me, my heart does not hurt like it used to. At this point I laugh because the wounds don't sting but I wonder if you'll do the same thing to her, you are a human being without the LOVE of God in you.
The point to all of this, I have nothing to hide, you only live once. I'll tell you this much, when you turn away from the LORD, sometimes you end up with some painful reminders but I'm glad that I got it because we as believers count every bad thing to the good of the perfect will of God.
I now know that there is NO man on this planet that will ever or come close to the love that God has for His children. So much lies and deceit out there in the world, people turning themselves away from God's truth because it doesn't suit them. When has life ever suited us? We get everything that we want and still we're not happy, we want more and more and it's still never enough. The world's view about love is you give to me and I keep taking and taking, sorry there's nothing for me to give to you, next please. Exactly what happened with my ex, I gave and gave, it's one thing if you can't stand the person you're with but if you're with someone who truly cares about you and respects you, have the decency in you to return the favor and not waste that person's time or be a hypocrite about it all.
This world and it's hypocrisy and idolatry in all the wrong things and we wonder why the world is going to s@@t. It's called sin and the punishment for it is death. Simple as that but I got smart and I got my heart straightened out, I'm not spending my eternity in hell, no way, no thanks. I'd rather deal with all the bad stuff on this planet than spend the rest of my life there. People say there's no such thing as God, the devil or demons, all I got to say is, whoever has this belief, you are being lied to big time, like reallly really bad. And quit being a sucka about turning your life over to Christ and every every TRUE believer that is, because we've got some fake ones but God will take care of those. Every true believer can attest that there is nothing better than the Peace, Love, Grace, and Mercy of God that He freely gives. And when you realize that you have Jesus and the Holy Spirit all on your side working for your good and God perfecting your faith, there is nothing in the world that can buy that joy that comes so freely. Because the LORD and Savior that builds our faith and causes us to grow and gives His insight, gave Himself a ransom for all of us. Isaiah 53, talks about the servant of the LORD. Jesus has been talked about since the beginning of time. If God didn't love us, none of us would be alive right now.
I'm going to go fall in love with Jesus and maybe someday God will send the RIGHT man that loves Jesus has much as I do. This guy may have broken my heart but he sure didn't break me. God broke me for my sin but it's counted His glory because I'm still standing because of Him as I continue to grow with him. I'm still learning that God does not like to be second (he really doesn't) in the lives of his children and He does a very good job reminding us of that and by His wisdom and mercy, He reveals Himself to me through hisWword. As the main theme in Psalms 130, my soul waits on the LORD. I'm a earthly being, I"m going to forget this and fall on my butt a few times but by His grace, I'll get through it. I'll get stronger because of His love that never fails. I take great joy knowing that no man can hurt me or God's children cause you're going to have to answer to him. I'm spending my eternity with the LORD, I wish everyone could see the truths that I see in the LORD and why they're not, I don't know, only God knows that one.
I have fallen so in love with God and all because I wanted to know more about Jesus and then the magnitude of it all hits me. I cried in church when we were singing "The Power of the Cross" hymn. I haven't cried in a while and it's hard to get me to cry but I teared up over that hymn because I finally realized the magnificence of God's Ultimate Sacrifice of Love, for me, for all of us, terribly undeserving of it we are but knowing that I have someone that loves me that much. NO matter how many people come into my life that hurt me in more ways that words cannot describe, He has always been there, He will always be there, His Majesty, He's Sovereign! He's God! and we were made after His image (not the angels, not the animals, and again not the angels) but after Him! Him! How awesome is that! His truth is so simple, everywhere He reveals himself to us. I'm sorry, that's the kind of God that I'd rather love and give my life over to. A God that can move mountains, all the animals know exactly what they are to do and This Almighty God that created the world, ohhh yeah and is the Ultimate Embodiment of Love. I'm not sorry to be a Christian, I'm greatly overjoyed knowing that that God called me to him. Not idols who can't speak, breathe, hear, or made by man; who could care less about your foot getting chopped off, your best friend dying, you losing her job, all of life's woes.
I can't wait for that Homecoming Day when I see Jesus in all of His Glory and all the saints there and all of God's children, my heart's bout ready to jump out of my chest thinking about all of this. I am not ashamed to be a Christian, you can't take away the joy that the LORD brings. In CHrist Alone I Trust, That's my God. He knows more about me that I"ll ever know about myself and I tell you, when you are in His body (church) instantaneous you know He's there because everyone else that you meet feels the same way that you do. I'm going back to do my homework.
What started as a rambling about my terrible (secretive) lying ex became my declaration of God's Love because His Love is PERFECT and the BEST and nothing else can replace.
God Spoke and Touched my Soul Tonight. How Great is Our God!
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I remembered you today and you were my top priority today.
I stumbled and got lost in myself but you always reminded me that you're always with me.
Today I felt love for other people and I saw you through other people.
Today I wasn't afraid and I let go of what I was mad about.
Today I became a child and not let age get the best of me.
Today you reminded me of who's really Sovereign in my life.
Today you reminded me and brought me back to those I hadn't talked in a very long time.
Today I felt your power all around me, even in my hair.
Today I let go of my stubborness and got it all off my chest.
Today I was confused but I know that you know what's best for me.
Today I wasn't stupid and saw the truth and didn't glorify myself.
Today you reminded me so that the devil didn't catch me in a trap.
Today you took my sadness away and filled it with great joy.
Today I realized that I can't do anything without you.
Today I saw your smile, I saw your face, you were in my heart and you were all around me.
Today I had no strength but I was filled with yours.
I don't know what the next few days will bring.
Today you gave me hope and you gave me peace with surpasses anything that I or any of us can understand.
Today I felt real love towards the ones that hurt me and my desire for them to know you as LORD.
Today you reminded me of my disobedience,
Today you reminded me that I don't always get it right.
Today you reminded me to humble myself before you.
Today you reminded me how much I need to change my attitude.
Today you gave me a desire not to forsake counsel and to help others too.
Who is like you O God? There is none beside thee.
The earth moves at the sound of your voice.
That glorious day when I go home to see you.
I pray for all the unsaved and many of whom are desiring you but face immense persecutions.
I'm grateful for this chance to be in America.
How easy it is for me to get caught up in my thing and forget where you brought me out of and where you have carried me to?
How blessed I am to be in your wonderful body of Christ.
How blessed I am to know that your immense love for me, that you test me with trials and refine my faith.
Still I feel as a baby, disregarding the milk of your Word and losing that hunger for you.
Those you love, you chastise.
Though I don't like it, you never give me more than what I can handle and provide a way out through Jesus Christ.
My wicked heart, this evil thing, how often it wants to glorify itself.
They reject you LORD and follow this world.
I want to tell them and share with them the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
So that they don't spend all eternity in hell.
This precious and free gift that you give us,
through the blood and death of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
Who took the burden of sin for all of mankind and washed me white as snow.
All my sins, past, present and future you have paid the debt for me.
By the cross you were nailed,
Having victory over death and with you I"ll spend my eternity.
I am not ashamed to be a Christian,
I'm not ashamed to say that I'm not of this world but I belong to the LORD.
He knows that this sinful nature still lies in me but I am dead to the flesh and have new life in Christ.
I am still tempted and I will fall.
But I have the power of the Holy Spirit to comfort me, Christ Jesus who sits at the right hand of God and the Mediator for me and God, the Great Wonderful Almight God.
I have three all powerful one deity standing up for me,
If God is for me,
what can man do unto me.
This life is but a glimpse, I am not even promised tomorrow,
but I'm promised the crown of eternal life being the firstfruits of his creatures.
Created in his own image, not after angels, having authority over the animals that you made.
That monkey is NOT my daddy and that monkey does not know my heart.
That monkey does not know where I go or why I do what I do?
That monkey does not know when I was born or when I will die.
I wish all people on this Earth would be saved and come to know Christ,
But God knows the heart of every man and his thoughts.
I am not perfect but as the life that God has planned out for me.
I do not know it.
I put no trust in pyschics, horoscopes in the magazines, fortune tellers, who have the spirit of the devil and don't proclaim the truth of God who is Christ, the living embodiment of God's truth.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future,"
You said this in Jeremiah 19: 11
If my actions don't line up with what God says and I only seek to glorify myself.
I'm not profiting anything for the kingdom of God.
You'll mock me, discourage me, think what you want about God.
A God who gives free will but desires that you know him intimately.
You'll read your favorite poems about inspiration,
But God they took you out of schools, even tried to get you out of the pledge.
They cry cause they have no jobs,
To satisfy the greedy needs and glorify our lifestyles.
When we forget that almost half of Africa doesn't have safe drinking water.
Comfortably numb we are until you take away our comforts
Then we turn and curse you and blame you for our calamities.
I have no identity with fast cars, fancy things even that guy that my eye longs after.
When I die, they're not coming with me,
When I die, I'll be standing in front of you.
My life I'm hoping and only through You and for you I hope to accomplish this.
So that day when I stand before you,
You'll say to me, " well done good and faithful servant."
You'll crush me like they did Jesus,
This is not for me,
But I want the world so bad to know God's Sovereignty.
A God that can crush you but is forever faithful.
A joy unspeakable,
This is nothing,
Have you heard what Heaven's going to be like!
David, Paul, James, Mary and John,
But the day when I see my Sweet Lord in all His Glory!
Falling down at His feet and say thank you LORD,
For saving this wretched sinner and preparing this mansion for me.
I love God's children,
When we love Christ and we gather for Christ,
When we lift each other up for Christ,
It's a beautiful thing,
No drug, alcohol beverage, no love in the club, can't even touch this!
These hip hop stars calling themselves bosses and kings of their areas.
Go to China and stand up for Christ then tell me who's really the boss.
My God is Sovereign and greatly to be feared.
I'm striving to become a doer of the word and not just hear it alone.
I don't trust me,
I don't trust what comes out of my heart.
For all have sinned and falled short of God's glory.
Remember the goodness of the LORD.
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for good to those who love God, those who are called according to His purpose."
God said that in Romans 8: 28
No evil things comes from the LORD.
He does not go against anything that His Word says and those of you who denounce Scripture
and manipulate it to suit your own ways.
You're deceiving yourselves and the truth of God is not in you.
That God for all the fake Christians,
going through the motions bringing other Christians down, hindering the work of God.
I pray that you'll truly get your hearts right with God.
I'm not a perfect Christian,
But I can tell you,
Anything you lack and need help with,
God'll give it to you and if you don't look carefully,
You'd almost forget what He was truly doing in your lives.
How blessed and joyful it to go through trials.
The travails of this life are so temporary compared to that eternity that we have in Christ.
Who called us before we were even in our momma's wounds.
I'm so glad that this Almighty God and Creator is LORD of my life.
Thank you for your discipline LORD.
I pray that I'll be faithful to you,
To share the passion for your word,
The love that Jesus, you've placed in my heart.
What you have done in my life and your blessings,
My mind can't fathom.
When I'm down and feel so low,
How easy it is to blame you and say why are you doing this to me?
But I'm so content because you have a plan for me.
As I draw near you and seek your comfort and protection.
A love so great and so beautiful,
Not a religion but a relationship, deep desire to love you and obey your word as you work in my life and perform you're perfect will.
Lord I pray that I don't seek my own vain glory, which will only lead me down the road to death.
I pray to always give you full control.
I'll slip and fall and bruise my heel and realize how hard this can be.
But how sweet it is to know that I can let go of my pride and my stubborness and
come to your body and seek counsel from you, your body in Christ and your word.
And not be ashamed that I share my burdens and know that I am not alone.
When you reveal your truths to me Lord and grant me understanding.
That "aha" moment hits me and I finally get me.
I know it was you LORD and know that you only have my best interests at heart.
Thank you LORD for loving so much,
Times I forget and don't believe it.
You're grace, I can talk your wondrous grace and mercy.
Who alone is like you?
There is none beside thee.
I love you soo much God and thank you for coming into my life and saving my soul
And creating in me a clean heart and renewing a steward spirit within me.
I pray that someone could read this and that they'd come to know Jesus as their Lord and Saviour,
Their promise for eternity,
Isaiah 53: 3-12
3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
8 By oppression [a] and judgment he was taken away.
And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken. [b]
9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.
10 Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes [c] his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
11 After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life [d] and be satisfied [e] ;
by his knowledge [f] my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, [g]
and he will divide the spoils with the strong, [h]
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors
John 3: 16
"For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him, should not perish but have eternal life."
Romans 6: 23
"For the wages of sin is DEATH: but the gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ our Lord."
Romans 10: 9
9That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."
Romans 8: 35-39
35
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
36
As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."[a]
37
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
38
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
39
Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
The LORD really spoke to my heart as I wrote this and not to lift myself up,
but I hope that someone reads it and would come to know the true and immense love of God and willing to seek a new life in him.
I hope this will be a comfort to all of us as Christians, going through our trials,
To remember what it was like for us when we first got saved.
May the peace of God rule in your hearts,
In Christ I give thanks and all praises to.
Amen.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Release - End of 2008
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I've come a long way since the start of 2008. Though I did not like the outcome, I am grateful to still be alive when so many others have lost theirs. I have learned that, as human beings, it's hard to trust others, and sometimes God to let things go. Knowing that we've truly moved on; when you've experienced something that hurts you so bad and you just can't understand why it had to happen to you. When you do find the answer, it's hard to accept it though you wish that things could've turned out another way.
I have survived, I'm trying to find my smile again, I definitely want to and I'm getting there. I'm hoping that romance and a lasting relationship would find me though it is not something that I'm seeking or in need of, a girl can only be independent for so long until she realizes that sometime valuable is missing. But no man can love me the way God loves me and if my heart is not right with him, my heart is not ready for another man though that's something that I want.
I was very numb in 2008 and sought ways to find out if I was still alive. I was walking but did not know if I was getting anywhere, better yet, just walking in circles. I saw but only saw clouds in front of me. I made decisions but couldn't really think on my own. I struggled and fought to find me in 2008, only to realize how much pain and hurt had indwelled inside me. I just had this need to scream, to lash out at everyone that ever hurt me. As RED's song Fight Inside made me realize how huge a fight I was fighting with myself. I can see that part of me now and it takes great self-control to have this side of me released. Now I know how the kindest person in the world can become the most heinous man within that space of time.
The world is filled with too much violence, wickedness and moral degradation. How do you fight a fight like this? Where is my faith? I overthink something and give myself too much credit when it's not mine to give. No man should ever be alone by himself for too long. He loses himself when he's alone and the evil inside takes over him. There's no community, I still haven't found my place where I belong and what I think I've found, do I really want it or can it really satisfy me? I want and want, thinking that materialistic endeavours could bring me joy. Without any money, how do you get the confidence and say I would like to help someone, how do I give back? My faith fell by the wayside in 2008 but was tested at the same time. I know that I'm angry. As much as I hate being alone, I would love to be near an ocean or mountain side, in that moment to walk with God and truly say what I really feel. I'm saying what's on my mind but I don't even know if I'm really talking. I need a release, I need to let go. I do know now that I'm definitely not alone that I'm also not in this alone. Whether I want the help or not is another question I have to face. I want to let go and I need to be let go because one more person tries to hold me back, by God' s grace I hope I don't lose my temper. I know what my voice sounds like.
I'm not a fool, I'm not stupid, I can see through the lies but you can't blind me with your deception. I know the meaning of true respect, I know the meaning of character, I know the meaning of imperfection but we try to be perfect as we will never be in an imperfect world. I am not angry, I am irritated and very much irked that I can't release, that these thoughts still plague me. I am a survivor somehow I know harder battles will come and that I'll have to accept and face when the time comes. I wish in this moment as if I were leaning against a cold wall with my arm folded that all those who hate me and have a change of heart. The ones filled with jealousy, who judge my imperfect being. I would like you to look into my eyes and see my struggle, see the love that I give but hasn't been returned to me. When you look at my beauty you see the imperfection in you. I am not like you, I don't have your DNA, I don't have your personality, I am not you. I give freely but what value of respect do you truly give me. That goes to everyone who does not value the people in their life. Respect is a two-way street because if we truly respected who we care or pretend to care about, we would not treat them as we do and we would strive for the same.
No man is an island, no man stands alone. I came from an island but I still haven't been able to become a true American. We are from two separate worlds, I wear your fashions, I read your history, I travel your destinations, and I work for your country. Still you do not know who I am nor do you care to. I can't do for you what I can't do for myself. To you, I'm temporary gratification, when the next best thing comes along, you throw me to the waist side. You bend, break, and bruise me but you can't destroy me.
For 2009 it is my goal to make my smile light up a room. My hair will be even bigger and spirit shine brighter. I will strive to become a better woman and no longer a little girl. You will not take me for granted, you will respect me. I will defend my honor and you will not take it from me. I will love again, I will make new friends. I will inspire others and do the best I can. I will find my niche, I will blossom and I will shine and laugh more. I will talk louder and I will not be afraid and I will take better care of my health, maybe even have a family with a blessing from the Lord. But most importantly, the most important goal I have for 2009 is bonding with God as I've never done before. It is my hope to all that we not get caught up in the ills of the world and what is out of our control, but with what talents and gifts we have, bless others.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Spiritual Rehab
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A year ago I was the most miserable person I knew. My self confidence was so low that I was ready to give up on my life and not deal with things anymore. It was a hard year and still I felt as if no one gave a care about me. I had a lot of anger inside as I felt that I was always being taken for granted. Guys never cared, I don't even know why they even bothered wasting their time. Being pissed off my ex really got me nowhere but I guess this year I started seeing people for who they really were. As much as I hated being alone, I know that there was a reason for it. I'm still angry, not really angry, mainly more frustrated and gravely annoyed. Tired of the negativity but I can't even seem to find my own happiness. I'm locked up in this prison cell called San Francisco and I can't wait until I finally get out. My mother tells me to stay and hang in there a little while. I can't fight this battle anymore and it's only a matter of time if I stayed here, I will lose so much of myself, there won't be anything left of me. Loneliness will drive you to despair and I'll try not to think about it too much else tears will start to fall down. Sometimes I feel like I'm better off if no one did give a crap about me, then no one would have anything to say about me. My head has always been in the clouds and growing up, I've always been alone. This I've learned to deal with as many others just don't know how to survive this part being alone.
I've been tackling all the issues that have been confronting me but many of these I cannot get an answer to, many of these are out of my control. I looked out my window a couple days ago and then I realized that I really have lived my life alone. I guess I've deserted everyone and hide off in my own place. I'm definitely detached from the world. I really don't have any family ties nor do I have friendly ties so I can tell you this much that if my life turns around and all this stuff starts happening to me and my life starts to come alive or something like that, make sure to pinch me because I'll seriously think that I"m dreaming. Have you ever met a Christian who was depressed. We're supposed to be happy because Jesus is so awesome. He is awesome without a doubt but I tell you how I know that I have a relationship with him and that He is for real. Well let's just say he likes to do these little things where he stops you in your tracks and sits you down and really makes you think about what is really going on with you.
I haven't gone to church since who knows when. I'm in hiding, it's not that I'm afraid to deal with stuff, I don't like my environment. When I'm not working, or I don't have to be in school until a later time, I'm in my bed, that's my sacred place, my safety place and man many conversations and tears I've shed with God on that bed. Many dreams about my future, many questions of "why" I ask my Savior and all this time, He's been piecing me back together. I think once you've had your heartbroken over something or someone you love. Me being me, I know that I'll never go back to that place again. I love sportbikes but I'm still terrified to ride one after the experience I went through but I still love them. Unfortunately that's not the case with me and love, I guess I'm going through spiritual rehab and I don't think I'm fully healed yet.
People always want to see me stumble, they always want to see me fall. When a major part of you is lost or you've hit the ground, you'd be surprised what really has an effect on you. For me, maybe I do have the patience of a saint or simply my thoughts of this world don't mean a thing to me. When you're detached from an environment, you walk around like an empty soul, just watching, observing, hoping, waiting, waiting for that call to action. I've been keenly aware of what is going on around me and I'm not happy about it. Nothing on this planet can sustain me only Christ can. I'm getting better at reading my Bible and I'm very surprised that I've been able to be as celibit as long as I have.
I really don't trust guys and I really don't trust people, maybe I don't trust me. Hmm if I had to ask myself this question, how much do I think I'm worth? I tell you this much, if Jesus had to give his life for me, that says a lot. Also if I fought to stay alive in my mother's womb, for what reason I really don't have a clue and still have yet to figure out. I've traveled three-quarters of the way around the globe, so that's gotta count for something. I'm a fighter, it's in my nature. You can doubt me all you want but I've seen enough adversity in my life to where my issues, I deal with them with God and I do the best I can to live by his rules. Yup I can live alone and survive on my own. I'm very adaptable and there's only one of me. This year I have found a depth to my character that even startles me and I know when the confident woman inside me, I'm even scared my own self. I'm still a kid though and I still got lots to learn and I'm ready for it.
So about the ex, I'm really annoyed of the character and front that he put on for me. I love his family, they're awesome but wow, the man I fell for and that is why I am not going down that road again, no way no sir, that love thing is not for me. I'll just sing songs and praises to God all day, Jesus will be happy and my heart will be happy. You try to please a man and he sends you to hell and takes everything from you. Marriage, sounds nice, I mean I don't think I'll ever get married, ask me this question in another year and then see how I feel. I think I'd much rather get the puffiest and biggest wedding dress and just walk around in the thing and feel like a princess all day and wear riding shoes underneath it, that's totally cool with me. Now if I had a million bucks, well in this day and age, I'd need more than a million bucks but let's just say if I could have all the money that I want, what would I do with itL
First I"d pay off all my debts and my mom's and my brother's and my mom's best friend. Then I'd buy myself a sweet looking house near the beach. I'd keep my day job because I gotta pay for utilities and yard upkeep and all that stuff. Then I'd be myself a car, a fast one and a reliable one and a tour bus, why the tour bus because I'm going to open up an orphanage and adopt a ton of kids and learn all aspects of the arts and open my own business and learn a lot about business management and be a stay at home and homeschool my kids. And I'd also have my teaching credentials. Yessir, I'd be a full time mom and totally loving my life and staying active and show my kids what the world has to offer. If I had all this, I'd have no need for a husband because I am not about to try to impress some dude because he wants to be visually stimulated seeing his wife in steamy lingerie, don't get me started on that. Marriage is not for me but damn what girl wouldn't want to come home to a gorgeous man (in her eyes whom she finds handsome). Well if there is such a thing as a very handsome Christian man in my eyes that loved God, I"m not shallow and I'm not judgemental with guys, I said he had to be handsome in my eyes. What I've learned too, he may be handsome to you but not what you need. I don't need a man. What I need is a dog and a vacation and a car, who knows what I need, I don't know what I need. I need a life makeover. Sometimes I feel like I'm bi-polar but i'm not, I'm just pissed off and annoyed half the time. I have a very complex personality which is why I can adapt to anything but I find that people don't like you when you've got big dreams and you don't their support to do whatever you want. I don't want to be independent all the time but who knows I"m still young, I still got some time to before I have to become unjaded. But for right now I"m just piecing me back together and the happy parts of me, sorry but they're staying hidden because there's too many evil people out there who really want to see me fall and if I do, I still got my moon boot then I can really give you a piece of my mind.
my hopes for the future. I don't like to say the word hell or curse for that matter only when I'm pissed. So here's my hopes for the future, to hell with all this negativity in my life. To hell with all the struggles, to hell with San Francisco, to hell with loneliness. To hell with not having joy in my life. what do I want for the future, I want a lot of stuff so right now I"m just going to keep them between me and God and don't think I'm bluffing, I"m just not sharing what I want. Anyways I already told you up there but I do hope I get to ride a sportbike again because I don't want my riding gear wearing out on me. I'll be leaving San Francisco and I couldn't be more overjoyed and I really hope I get to find a place and own my first car, I'll write again about learning how to drive all over again. That's going to be fun I hope. That's it for now, my head hurts cause my brain is thinking way too hard. I guess I'll be happy one day and enjoying life the way I should, so until next time, peace.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
what not to do when you're drunk
glitter-graphics.com
okay first off, I don' know what you should do but I thought this would be funny. It's quite cool that i can type this fast and know what i'm actually talking about. how come my ex doesn't call me. it's crazy how really fast he's gotten over me but it's taken me about a year to do the same and i'm still not over the guy. i guess different strokes for different folks. i get no love around here, nobody loves me. I just finished watching Heroes and it was really cool. I drank about six, seven, who knows how many glasses of wine I've had but it was really good and i'm staring out my window and all i see are street lights. it's something like almost 2:30 in the morning but who cares. I have nothing sweet to dream about. nobody cares, and nobody loves. i'm tempted to drunk dial people and say I'm sorry but might just be really shallow and i'm not ready to get b**tched out my current girlfriend but hey it wasn't my fault for being pushed to the side.
Wow, a black woman can't get nowhere in this world, well maybe America really. I love white guys and all but damn, why's it gotta be so hard to just find one that likes you for you. it would be nice to have the companionship but the way i see things, i'll probably be staring out my window as we speak trying to figure out how not to make my head start spinning. i must say that NOrcal has the best wine because i've had about six to seven, who knows and i have no single clue what i'm talking about. i used to leave these messages on my myspace but i see no purpose in using that site anymore. i'm not going to bed though i should be studying, wow i'm such a procrastinator, that's so bad but heh, i'm feeling blah and lost in the clouds. i'd like to hide in the clouds, at least i'd feel safe. if i really wanted to, I could just jump out of my window and probably not feel a thing, well maybe cold hair. i've had some suicidal thoughts and trust me they are not over my ex. the guy hurt me sure enough but not that bad and i have every right to deal with it how i see fit so there. all those flicrking lights and no stars int eh sky. there's no love on this earth, i miss my momm and my brother. i'm sure that he could knock some sense into me but right now as we speak, i'm staring out this window and i see no life. i dont feel loved or tresured,i never did so why should i feel that such hopes exists for me.
i'll probably go watch another movie but i do feel a bit tired. it's close to three but not there yet and yes i am bored. and yes i am drunk, so it's one of those drunken blgos but whatever who cares. i'm here by myself sometimes i wish i weren't alive but i like my life enough where i don't wanna die. i'd like to meet jesus but i'm scared of death anyway. life's a double edge sword, i don't belong but i'm already here and i have no aspiration of trying to fit in when i know this is not my home. you know i'd be much more better off if i wasn't born, one less person to think about, one less life to be affected by. i can say i find little in my self worth but i live in a country where such things mean nothing and i definitely don't belong. lies and lies and more lies are all i see, i fall to my feet and try to retreat. no one helps, no one saves, no one cares and no one shares. no one loves and i've lost my hope, no one holds my hands and no one is there to guide me home. who cares about what i've written, to you it's all a joke.
where were you when i cried those tears, i cried so hard and yet you didn't hold me. i laid next to you hoping you'd turn to hold me but you fell asleep and i sat in that chair and it held my tears. nobody cares for me because my skin tone is black, i'll never be good enough. i can never make you see how much i truly cared for you. i loved you so much, i gave my world for you. i was never good enough and you never saw the best in me, i don't know how you can affect me this much but i loved you so. i'll love you forever, i'll not deny it to myself, i wish so many times that you were here. you were my best friend and you would've stand up for me. but now you don't know who i am and nobody cares. daddy left and mom can only do so much. i don't love me because i see no worth in me. i couldn't keep you by my side, you felt safe in her arms and now she holds your heart. i would've given you all i could, love you for life, i once wished that i was your wife but she's yours now and that i'll try to justify. you don't call, you don't say hello, you laugh in your heart and cast me to the side. i meant nothing to you as i don't to anyone. no one sees any beauty in me so why do i bother to cease to exist. i would jump out this window but i'd rather cry because i don't think they'd reach you. i'll never be good enough and true love will never reach me. i can shed all the tears i want and you'll still not end up by my side. i'll love you forever because you mean that much to me. i can't be mad at you because i'll always wish the best for you.
i'm not happy and there's no joy in my life but i can see that you are , i hope some part of you still thinks of me becaue it was really cool that you came into my life. you taught me how to love unselfishly, you taught me how to care and to open my heart. i don't have yo anymore and though you lied to me, i can forgive you because nothing's left of me. you don't say hi, you refuse to recognize that i exist, i'm sorry i'm just not over you. she can bitch me out, she can do whatever she wants but it's my right to still have feelings for you. i'm not asian, i'm not her, i'm only one being who myself feels cast out by human kind. my strength as fallen and i am very weak. i don't know i am, i've lost me since you left me. i left because you broke my heart. i would hug you just to say that i miss you love, i would hug you and tell you how much i missed my best friend. i can't change being black and i can't change that a part of me will always love you. no matter how many woman you've been with, i'll always wish you safe and wish you joy. i miss your kisses and i miss your smile. i can say these things because it's my right and it's my free will. you've affected me in a way and i can't get over you. i'll miss you forever and i'll wonder how you're doing. i am glad that you are happy but i wonder, do you ever think about me, why would you? i was a slob and i brought nothing to your life, you thought i gave you an STD when you refused to put your trust in me. you broke me down because i wanted to have success in life. you pretended to love me, why would you play me for a fool? i cried so many nights when all the while she was the one that your heart called out to. i should've known, i should've let you go, you were the first that i wanted to hold onto. i didn't love you because you were so beautiful, i loved you because i thought i had a friend in you. i took my painting back because i held no worth in you, i wanted to be done with you because you threw me away. now here i am, almost a year later and i'm not over you. how do you sleep at night and not see me in your dreams, how can you hide from me when i myself try not to think of you. if you were hurt, i would cry, i loved you so much, i never thought i could do this part of me. you have showed that met that i'm not worthy that i should become like the rest of the world, why did you waste your time with me or was it really she in place of me, that you gave your heart to because you couldn't stand up for me? you never call or say hello but i always wonder if you are okay, i'm glad that your'e happy that you're okay.
i'm not happy and i'm not okay, i've never been the same since you went away. i can forgive you, i'm ready to move on, i don't want a trail of rail cars behind me but you have been the heaviest burden that i have to bear. i'll always vent about you because you treated me this way. i was never good enough for you and now i see no worth in me. call this your pity story, call it whatever you want. you did this to me now i'm calling you for it. have your girlfriend, the one you kept on the side, i knew about her, ever since thanksgiving, all you wanted me to do, was be out of your life. you thought you had me fool, how could you do this to me, how could you treat me so cold when i gave all i could to you. because i have a dream, what does my social status have to do with anything, just because i came here to this country to make something of myself, your family saw that i wasn't good enough for you. you let that guide your actions, wow Tom, how could you let that come between me and you. i don't know how you've affected me more than anyone else could. i'll never be the same without you, times i wish you'd hold me in your arms, times i wished if you ever or even cared for me. it's three o'clock the witching hour, i guess i should try to go to bed and rest my head. so many questions so few little answers. i'll call you out forever and try to figure out why you did so cold, again nobody listens and nobody cares to find out why i'm all alone and nobody's there. when i hurt my foot or break my stride, i'm the only one that has to carry me through to the next ride. nobody listens and nobody feels my life, there's no place for me here so why am i still here. sometimes i want to be in that special home where's God love will carryy me home. where my tears will cease and burdens will fall on his arms, when i can sleep at night and peace is in my sight. so yeah i've realized, what's the point in caring when it gets your nowhere, all you feel is more hurts and more pains for you to bear.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
The Race Card 2
I don't know how many of you read this article: Poll: Racial views steer some white Dems away from Obama You can find the article on Yahoo. I freaking swear it's so freaking hard to be a black person in this country and not have some white person looking down at us like we're nothing. Hell we'd try freaking harder if yawl would stop cutting programs, you know what, screw the programs. This whole BS about us being on welfare, being complaining, and lazy, yawl wouldn't have this country if it weren't for black people and yawl wanna call us lazy. Stripping us from our home lands, tearing up our communities for centuries and you wanna tell us to try harder, to stop complaining. Why don't you give us our family back.
HOw the hell can you live with yourselves for lynching our people for the fact that we have colored skinned. You brought your diseases to Africa to wipe us out. Africa is starving because of you people. Freaking Arnold the Terminator, yawl voted him into office and this dude had no political skills. Yawl voted Jessie Ventura for governor in Montana and the dude was a pro wrestler. Obama spent his whole life in politics because he wanted to make change. His wife graduated from Harvard, half of us don't even have the IQ to get accepted into Harvard, but no because yawl ignorant asses, because he's black, he's not good. Get your freaking head out of your ass and wake up. Aint nobody on this damn continent own the right to this land. Yawl descendants from Irish and Scottish background, they had to fight for their independence too from Britain. Yawl went through that same mess. Yawl coming over here, killing off the Indians for your greedy selves. That's why this economy is failing. And yawl say black people need to try harder, stop being all about me, myself and I, there's no damn community in this country, why do you think obesity is such a problem, Americans aren't happy, because yawl are greedy and competing with each other. You wanna say we need to try harder.
This country would be nothing without us, you get your entertainment from us. Yawl can't do half the stuff that we do, we're amazing athletes, we're amazing cooks, we're amazing musicians and we sure as hell can dance better than yawl. Ignorant, letting the media rule your decisions because you can't get your sorry asses off your coaches and go be a good neighbor but because I"m black, I have to sit around and let you disgrace me. I don't know who the hell you think you are but you don't own this country. All you KKK's, yawl wanna hate on blacks but you can't destroy our spirits. You can try to bring us down as much as you want because you're close minded. You don't have our spirits, you've never had to fight for anything, you don't know the meaning of what it's like to have something, just because you're white, it's expected to be handed down to you. Ooh yawl make me ashamed to be an American. This melting pot of a great nation, ooh yawl some ignorant. Yawl need to look in the mirror and check yourselves and go take a damn vacation to somewhere else in the world. Why don't you go to Sudan, Darfur, Chehnya, did you guys forget the crisis in Kosovo, did you forget the Serbian massacre of the Arabs in 1995. You people that harbor this attitude made me sick. Yawl need to get your hearts right and your head too.
My freaking WOW, the first time a black man is going to run for Presidency, you'd think a whole nation would be proud and stand up for one of its own. to show to the world that this is what we've been able to achieve in the 40 years that Civil Rights where granted to all people of other origins. Don't forget this too all you Asian People, Latino's, and those of you not White. It was a little over 40 years that we got freedoms in this country, 40 years ago. So yawl running to back McCain because he's a Republican, maybe yawl need to check the color of your skin too. Apparantly Asians forgot what injustices they had to deal with on the West Coast. Remember WWII, the Japanese Internment camps. Did you guys forget that HItler got his idea of the concentration camps from us. White people aint got a damn thing to be proud of your history, you SHOULD be ashamed of yourselves. And you tolerate the ideology of superiority. Aint no man, thing or being in this Universe greater than the Almighty God. You know who you are and don't think the good LORD doesn't know what's in your hearts. Black people know how to survive.
Damn, yawl get mad at the music that's degrading women, BAN the thing, stop talking about it to your friends, ban the Rolling Stones too while you're at it. Oh and PLLLLLEEEEAAASSSE stop copying us and paroding us in your movies, copying our slang, trying to be cool, taking our moves. It's not cute and you're not cool, you embarrass me and you insult me. Some of you black people share this same ideology, what the hell are you smoking or even thinking. I'm sorry I don't agree with half the crap my people do but damn I still love my people. Stop sitting there and dogging us and stop being about yourselves. Oh let's see, hmm when we do start doing better, what you're going to jump on our bandwagon and be like ooh oohh I was there to support this. I am so sick to be an American right now, my family busted our asses to get our citizenship and this is the reward that we get.
Maybe we need to read Abraham Lincoln "Gettysburg Address." I swear I don't know why i like white guys sometimes, I really don't know and this crap only makes me that much angry but I"m going to voice my opinion and let it be known that yawl aint right for this at all. And all of you from other countries, your poor countries too with no running or clean drinking water, don't get me started on you. Everybody that's in this country came here wants a better future, a better life than the one that they had before. You ask any foreigner that and you wanna judge me because I have black skin. I love my black skin, I love the fact that I can stay out in the sun, hell no I"m doing it but I'm just saying I can and I don't really have to tan. I love my blackness, black is beauty, black is sexy, we are courageous, we are fighters, we are resilient. Yawl hate if you want, we aint going nowhere, we'll be right behind you and you sure as hell don't want to piss us off. As Madea would say, don't make a black woman take off her earrings, I took mine off when I wrote this. I'm this angry, I'm surprised I didn't start typing the Jamaican language. America aint nothing without us, keep on hating, keep supplying your drugs that you try to destroy our communities, we'll bounce back. We've been doing it for centuries, yawl aint nothing without us, so keep hating. I'm going to bed, yawl don't make me wanna punch a hole in the wall. Yawl wrong for this!!!
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