I'm Too Much

But, as it is written, "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him,"

1 Corinthians 2:9

When I want to give up, it's so nice to read a verse like this and it makes me run back to the Lord and realize that in him, I have all I could ever need. What a faithful God we have. Lately I just haven't been able to get a grip on my emotions and self-control. Falling into sin and giving into temptation and realizing the shame of it. I feel like such a hypocrite when I go down this road. When I give into the desires of my flesh, it only ends in frustration and I still end up losing in the end. The utter rejection that I feel, that I"m too much, I'll never be good enough.

My life the last couple of days I just feel like everything's falling apart around me and I just want to give up and leave it all. My living situation isn't great financially and it would be nice to move somewhere else more affordable but I wouldn't even know where to begin. I like where I live only because it's close to BART and my church. I've lived in the Bay Area for almost seven years. I came out here for school, that hasn't bid me well and I haven't gained any success really in my endeavours. But despite the lack of success in jobs and education, I've been able to see life for what it really is and how much I really need God. Every bump and hurdle in the road, He's brought me through them all. I've been told that all the mishaps that I've experienced in this present time will only make me stronger in the future. I know that I have a hope and a future. Right now it is hard to believe that when the walls around you are caving in.

School's cool, I love my program but I'm so afraid of how to pursue a career. I've felt so shut down for the last couple of years that there hasn't been anything that truly inspires me. Has my dreams been shot down that deeply that I've lost hope? That could be the case but right now, there's not much self-confidence I have for careers and jobs. Yes we all need to work. I've never been the one that dreamt about working in the office, I always pictured myself working from home inside a studio. I've been blessed with the gift to be able to learn and adapt to many things and that includes the realm of education, unless math is included then that's another story. But I"ve just never had it in me to be the one that comes home to the kids, that I always dreamt would be reserved for the hubby. My dream has always been to be a stay at home mom, teleconference and have my own studio working on design in my home. I love the program that I"m studying at school, I'm fascinated with it and the fact that I'm learning something and being surrounded by passionate people. I want all of my classmates to do well, they're very talented and I have said hurtful things about them of which I am sorry for. None the less they inspire me and I"d do whatever I can to help them. Maybe that's the part where the LORD would have me learn to serve others because truthfully I don't expect a return for myself. Who doesn't want success, we all do. I get more joy seeing others around me doing well if I've been able to contribute to that even just a small portion.

I have had a lot of anxiety over being able to return to school in the Fall. I wish it could happen but I'm unsure about it. Everything is closing in around me and I can't help but cry. It's hard not being covetous when others are doing well and you're on your bottom lacking bread. The effect that has on your spirit and no matter where you try to run, the Devil is at your backdoor ready to crush you. I've been crushed a couple of times already this year and I feel as though it'll only continue to be that way. But time and time again, the Lord has to remind me that He loves me, that He's always been faithful and He has. He has been a good God. And I"m so grateful that when I fall, He's right on me, I can't be plucked out of his hand if I"m truly his. How can a mortal human become perfection in Christ? How can God still love us despite the insane number of times that we break His heart and throw Him to the side and deny His worth? Why me? Why would God cause his Precious Son to die for this ever-failing, poor decision, human being that is me? I can't comprehend so great a Love as His. I just can't understand how he loves me that much.

So much I want to give up at times and I've kept quiet and not sharing the Lord with unbelievers. I haven't won any souls for Christ, look at my soul, I'm always messing up and ruining things. When I want to give up and follow after my flesh, all I see is condemnation and the road that leads to death and failure. I get so scared for all the people who don't know Christ or have rejected him. The things that they've allowed themselves to be comfortable with and the lies that have been told. So many people are going to go to Hell and I'm not doing anything to remind them that it's not too late for them to repent.

My heart aches for the people in my life that I care about that don't know Christ as the Risen Savior, that died for them. I become afraid to talk about him, ask them how are their lives without him? Why are they afraid to know him? I wish I had the guts to ask these questions and I simply don't. I pray for my mom to be saved. I pray for my ex-boyfriend to be saved. And there's so much that I'll never be able to understand and that constant "what if?''

This past week I"ve been struggling to find my validation in Christ. It was so easy for me to rip my ex to shreds over the lies and deception that he put up a good front on. Then I realized that I was equally guilty in my part. Thinking that a man can complete me especially one who doesn't belong to Christ. I really wanted him to come to Christ. Now it's only afterwards I realize that I did nothing that was an example of Christ living in me. It's so funny (I only think it's funny, I'm chuckling but it's not really funny but the thought is, oh nevermind) so much I thought I wasn't liked because of my skin color, going to school, working, that I was always doing too much, that I"m doing too much and somewhere along that line, it pushed him away. I loved too much, relaxed too much, depended on him too much, I gave too much and too soon. This is something I simply believe, that I'm "too much". I invite with my beauty thinking I'm the hot stuff when I want to be and saying "back off" at the same time. I really don't know who I am has a woman right now and all my defenses are crashing down. I don't know how I'm going to find my worth and my validation in Christ but He's the only one that can fix this very very broken woman. I've never been good with complements, I don't mind giving them to others but I don't like receiving them. Why? I don't know, I guess it's my fear that for small glimpse of a second, my guard will come down and who I am as a woman will be revealed. Or I don't believe it. It's one thing to know that you're hot but it's another thing to believe you're beautiful. I can't get my affirmation of being beautiful from my mom, I can't get that from others even though I think they're absolutely beautiful. So it looks like my only option is to get it from God. The Great Almighty God of this Universe, can fix this broken girl?

Yeah, that's what he said: Jeremiah 32:27 (English Standard Version)
"Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?" I realize now that I hurt him when I said in my heart, 'that no you can't fix my broken heart. You can't heal all the pain, all the hurtful words, memories. I'm not of worth to anyone, not even to you. I'm too much" All these I've said to him because I don't think I'm worthy to be healed and I'm too much.

Then he says to me:
Isaiah 43:4 - "Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you,I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life."

Matthew 10: 31- "Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Psalms 139: 16- "Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your(U) book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

There's so much uncertainty in my life and I don't know which way to go. Times I just want to run away and keep running but the pain's still there. Hoping for something different to happen everyday but after a while it all feels the same. Reading those verses just now, really comforted me.

Romans 8:1-2 - "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."

Phillippians 1: 6- Philippians 1:6 (English Standard Version)
"And I am sure of this, that he who begana good work in youwill bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

To be continued...