Validation

It's been a long time since I have posted anything here. A lot has happened over the last couple of months. I could spend hours retracing everything and the Lord's goodness but I don't have such luxuries presently, but that doesn't mean that I haven't forgotten what I've been through. I'll just try to focus on what I'm currently going through, hopefully to just shoot off some steam and clear my thoughts.

I've been reading a book called "Captivating," and presently for the first time in my life, I'm not seeking out the love of my life. It's funny I thought about that the other day, "the love of my life." Wait a minute, a man is not supposed to be the love of my life, Jesus is. Yeah that slapped me in the face. All these love cliches that I've had, I just realize how much those belonged to the Lord and not seeking from a guy. I read that same book,"Captivating," this morning on BART and I definitely felt my being close up, just backing off from the idea of opening myself, becoming vulnerable. I really didn't want to be vulnerable, I don't feel capable of being loved, I think that I'm too much, that such a thing as a blessed union between a man and woman, the way GOD designed it to me. That couldn't possibly happen to me. I went down that road once before and it didn't end well. I don't think I have the energy or the emotional capacity to set myself up for that again. And yet I seek out validation from guys when I can only get my validation from Christ. This validation thing I sought from my ex, which I'm realizing now. The more and more I read about romance and relationships and know now what's really the driving force behind whether or not they work, it honestly scares me.

I think I've become comfortable to being by myself, not wanting anyone to get close. At least I'm very grateful now that I can have friendships, true friendships with girls whereas before, I used to think all girls despised me and mainly I never had many to begin with. I love the friendships that I have with my sisters in Christ. The guy's version of Captivating is called "Wild at Heart," but that's how I feel. I feel like a wild spirit, I feel like I'm not just one single element that comes to mind and it's like yup, that's Kay. Nope, I don't fit that category. I've never been the one to keep my feelings to myself, certain thoughts for sure, yes but I can't keep things in. Strangely still when I vent my feelings, hurts and frustrations, the wound is still there.


There's a lot I don't understand and half the time I just feel like I"m not cut out, I can't do this. It's so hard to be a Christian but the Lord brings me to the realization and my pride that I struggle with because I tell myself that I"m not worthy even before the Lord. I don't realize that I hurt him when I say that in my heart. That the great God of this universe, who says there's nothing too hard for him and I say that I'm of no worth when He's the one that redeemed me. So why do I feel unworthy? The Lord truly knows the answer to this one. I could say that the things that I'm seeking to validate my worth in, to make me complete are all outside of the fact that God alone is the one that can and is able to perfect me on the day His Son returns.

I guess I think about what people think about me or what they're thinking but not really saying. I have definitely noticed that I have withdrawn my vulnerability for fears that I'm going to get burned. That I won't be cherished or treasured. In fact that's how I"m supposed to be that way with the Lord and I mess this up all the time and never get it right. I always say, "if only this were...if only that were..." but that never solves anything because the wound is still there deep down inside.

It seems that I have much of a very broken heart that's in need of healing. I feel like I'll never attract a solid mate or how would I even know if the one the Lord puts in front of me, will I actually submit. Those things are so hard for me to see even though my flesh longs for that, but not my Spirit. This thing these two war over. I don't know how this validation thing is going to work out for me but it is what I need. I don't know if this will happen overnight or will it take five years. But yeah, I'm not depressed or anything, I just have some issues with acceptance and whatever worth that is in me.