what not to do when you're drunk

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okay first off, I don' know what you should do but I thought this would be funny. It's quite cool that i can type this fast and know what i'm actually talking about. how come my ex doesn't call me. it's crazy how really fast he's gotten over me but it's taken me about a year to do the same and i'm still not over the guy. i guess different strokes for different folks. i get no love around here, nobody loves me. I just finished watching Heroes and it was really cool. I drank about six, seven, who knows how many glasses of wine I've had but it was really good and i'm staring out my window and all i see are street lights. it's something like almost 2:30 in the morning but who cares. I have nothing sweet to dream about. nobody cares, and nobody loves. i'm tempted to drunk dial people and say I'm sorry but might just be really shallow and i'm not ready to get b**tched out my current girlfriend but hey it wasn't my fault for being pushed to the side.

Wow, a black woman can't get nowhere in this world, well maybe America really. I love white guys and all but damn, why's it gotta be so hard to just find one that likes you for you. it would be nice to have the companionship but the way i see things, i'll probably be staring out my window as we speak trying to figure out how not to make my head start spinning. i must say that NOrcal has the best wine because i've had about six to seven, who knows and i have no single clue what i'm talking about. i used to leave these messages on my myspace but i see no purpose in using that site anymore. i'm not going to bed though i should be studying, wow i'm such a procrastinator, that's so bad but heh, i'm feeling blah and lost in the clouds. i'd like to hide in the clouds, at least i'd feel safe. if i really wanted to, I could just jump out of my window and probably not feel a thing, well maybe cold hair. i've had some suicidal thoughts and trust me they are not over my ex. the guy hurt me sure enough but not that bad and i have every right to deal with it how i see fit so there. all those flicrking lights and no stars int eh sky. there's no love on this earth, i miss my momm and my brother. i'm sure that he could knock some sense into me but right now as we speak, i'm staring out this window and i see no life. i dont feel loved or tresured,i never did so why should i feel that such hopes exists for me.

i'll probably go watch another movie but i do feel a bit tired. it's close to three but not there yet and yes i am bored. and yes i am drunk, so it's one of those drunken blgos but whatever who cares. i'm here by myself sometimes i wish i weren't alive but i like my life enough where i don't wanna die. i'd like to meet jesus but i'm scared of death anyway. life's a double edge sword, i don't belong but i'm already here and i have no aspiration of trying to fit in when i know this is not my home. you know i'd be much more better off if i wasn't born, one less person to think about, one less life to be affected by. i can say i find little in my self worth but i live in a country where such things mean nothing and i definitely don't belong. lies and lies and more lies are all i see, i fall to my feet and try to retreat. no one helps, no one saves, no one cares and no one shares. no one loves and i've lost my hope, no one holds my hands and no one is there to guide me home. who cares about what i've written, to you it's all a joke.


where were you when i cried those tears, i cried so hard and yet you didn't hold me. i laid next to you hoping you'd turn to hold me but you fell asleep and i sat in that chair and it held my tears. nobody cares for me because my skin tone is black, i'll never be good enough. i can never make you see how much i truly cared for you. i loved you so much, i gave my world for you. i was never good enough and you never saw the best in me, i don't know how you can affect me this much but i loved you so. i'll love you forever, i'll not deny it to myself, i wish so many times that you were here. you were my best friend and you would've stand up for me. but now you don't know who i am and nobody cares. daddy left and mom can only do so much. i don't love me because i see no worth in me. i couldn't keep you by my side, you felt safe in her arms and now she holds your heart. i would've given you all i could, love you for life, i once wished that i was your wife but she's yours now and that i'll try to justify. you don't call, you don't say hello, you laugh in your heart and cast me to the side. i meant nothing to you as i don't to anyone. no one sees any beauty in me so why do i bother to cease to exist. i would jump out this window but i'd rather cry because i don't think they'd reach you. i'll never be good enough and true love will never reach me. i can shed all the tears i want and you'll still not end up by my side. i'll love you forever because you mean that much to me. i can't be mad at you because i'll always wish the best for you.

i'm not happy and there's no joy in my life but i can see that you are , i hope some part of you still thinks of me becaue it was really cool that you came into my life. you taught me how to love unselfishly, you taught me how to care and to open my heart. i don't have yo anymore and though you lied to me, i can forgive you because nothing's left of me. you don't say hi, you refuse to recognize that i exist, i'm sorry i'm just not over you. she can bitch me out, she can do whatever she wants but it's my right to still have feelings for you. i'm not asian, i'm not her, i'm only one being who myself feels cast out by human kind. my strength as fallen and i am very weak. i don't know i am, i've lost me since you left me. i left because you broke my heart. i would hug you just to say that i miss you love, i would hug you and tell you how much i missed my best friend. i can't change being black and i can't change that a part of me will always love you. no matter how many woman you've been with, i'll always wish you safe and wish you joy. i miss your kisses and i miss your smile. i can say these things because it's my right and it's my free will. you've affected me in a way and i can't get over you. i'll miss you forever and i'll wonder how you're doing. i am glad that you are happy but i wonder, do you ever think about me, why would you? i was a slob and i brought nothing to your life, you thought i gave you an STD when you refused to put your trust in me. you broke me down because i wanted to have success in life. you pretended to love me, why would you play me for a fool? i cried so many nights when all the while she was the one that your heart called out to. i should've known, i should've let you go, you were the first that i wanted to hold onto. i didn't love you because you were so beautiful, i loved you because i thought i had a friend in you. i took my painting back because i held no worth in you, i wanted to be done with you because you threw me away. now here i am, almost a year later and i'm not over you. how do you sleep at night and not see me in your dreams, how can you hide from me when i myself try not to think of you. if you were hurt, i would cry, i loved you so much, i never thought i could do this part of me. you have showed that met that i'm not worthy that i should become like the rest of the world, why did you waste your time with me or was it really she in place of me, that you gave your heart to because you couldn't stand up for me? you never call or say hello but i always wonder if you are okay, i'm glad that your'e happy that you're okay.

i'm not happy and i'm not okay, i've never been the same since you went away. i can forgive you, i'm ready to move on, i don't want a trail of rail cars behind me but you have been the heaviest burden that i have to bear. i'll always vent about you because you treated me this way. i was never good enough for you and now i see no worth in me. call this your pity story, call it whatever you want. you did this to me now i'm calling you for it. have your girlfriend, the one you kept on the side, i knew about her, ever since thanksgiving, all you wanted me to do, was be out of your life. you thought you had me fool, how could you do this to me, how could you treat me so cold when i gave all i could to you. because i have a dream, what does my social status have to do with anything, just because i came here to this country to make something of myself, your family saw that i wasn't good enough for you. you let that guide your actions, wow Tom, how could you let that come between me and you. i don't know how you've affected me more than anyone else could. i'll never be the same without you, times i wish you'd hold me in your arms, times i wished if you ever or even cared for me. it's three o'clock the witching hour, i guess i should try to go to bed and rest my head. so many questions so few little answers. i'll call you out forever and try to figure out why you did so cold, again nobody listens and nobody cares to find out why i'm all alone and nobody's there. when i hurt my foot or break my stride, i'm the only one that has to carry me through to the next ride. nobody listens and nobody feels my life, there's no place for me here so why am i still here. sometimes i want to be in that special home where's God love will carryy me home. where my tears will cease and burdens will fall on his arms, when i can sleep at night and peace is in my sight. so yeah i've realized, what's the point in caring when it gets your nowhere, all you feel is more hurts and more pains for you to bear.

How to Really Get Over Your Ex

I just drank the tartest kind of cranberry juice there is, wow it was tart! Okay so I"m writing this blog just to offer my own little advice. So when your ex doesn't want to give you closure, a part of you just doesn't want to take the next step. But I've gotten tired of waiting for this to happen so I got a little upset with myself and henceforth I"m finding my own closure and moving on past this experience. Maybe, I hope this can help someone.

The first thing that you have to do to get over your ex is to forgive him/her. You have to, if you don't bitterness and hate will linger in your heart and you'll bring that to the next guy. That's what you call baggage. There's a part of you that's going to fight this war of good vs. evil in regards to how you resolve this matter. I've always told myself and my friends, you are doing a huge disservice to a guy/girl who is truly head over heels for you but because you haven't resolved theses issues, you're missing out on the tremendous joy that you could be experiencing with that person. You can forgive someone although you'll probably never forget the experience, but you have to forgive that person and you'll feel better about it. They might be happy as a horse and you're as miserable as the wind blowing outside. Not only do you have to forgive the person that broke your heart but you have to forgive yourself too. Some of us jump into situations that you never expected the outcome to be what you thought. And then you tell yourself, why did I do this? I wish I didn't do that? Everything happens for a reason. Some things we are guilty of that we saw the signs but were so madly in love that you threw caution to the wind. Don't be so hard on yourself and learn to let it go. If it doesn't kill you, it really does make you stronger.

The second thing burn, destroy, rip up and get rid of everything that you have of that person, throw it out. Don't keep nothing of that person around, it'll only bring the memories back. That whole thing about writing a letter to your ex and then ripping it up, doesn't work, well for some it works for others it might not. If you can carefully burn anything that you wrote about that person that you're holding onto. Something about fire, maybe it's the idea of refining; fire has this cleansing element minus the fact that your house will smell like smoke and your eyes will burn like mad but it's all worth it. It really helps when you do this but like I said in a controlled environment and don't burn the house down please.

The third thing, everything that you ever wanted to vent to your ex and lash out at him for, don't ever tell him. I'm sure he/she can sense these feelings; the whole your ears feeling hot, yeah someone's mad at you. For those of you trying to get closure from an ex, this greatly applies here because you know very well that you still want to talk to him, see how he's doing, what is he like without you in his life. You burn a major bridge when you do this thus further hindering your chances of getting that closure you seek. This will also strengthen your character and help you to deal with other adversities if you are able to get your feelings under control about this person that has caused you a great deal of pain.

The fourth thing, it is perfectly okay to dream about that person, wish that you guys were still back together. There's nothing that you can do to control your subconscious, no one expects you to get over this person overnight. It is going to be very hard to establish a new routine without this person so don't deny to yourself that you don't care about this person. You are lying and thinking less of you because you are not realizing what prize you brought to the relationship. Find out what made this relationship so joyful for you that others before him didn't give you. Instead of thinking about all the wonderful things that you did together, think about the joy that you brought to this person, the joy that you felt. That you allowed yourself to be loved and to share that with someone else. You dedicated a significant amount of your time that you wanted to spend with this person. You had no regrets going into it with this person, don't have any when you leave.

The fifth thing, all the good stuff that you remembered about your ex, use it as a teaching tool to show you how to love again because breakups always make you turn into a hermit, either an extroverted one or an introverted one, either way you're still a hermit. I've read up on why it is that your ex appears in your dreams and it's not that you want to be with your ex, you want to experience that joy again but not with that same person. You'd have to be foolish to let the same shark bite you twice. If you think about it long enough, you'll realize who was the driving force behind the relationship. Who was the good moral one that sought to bring out the best in the other person. I don't know how guys deal with breakups but my ex found himself another girl in no time and lied straight to my face.

The sixth thing, don't ever fall for a pretty face. Ooh they are the worse, when an attractive man/woman is iffy about something pertaining to the two of you. Don't wait around and tell him "it's okay", "that's fine", I don't have a problem with that, get the hell out of there now. Those small little tolerances that you put up with from him/her. Like Keyshia Cole said in her song "Let It Go," it's not where he's at, it's where he wants to be. Sometimes you hear the news that you don't want to hear, the kind that just suckapunches you in the gut like really hard. So what do you do, just suck it up and absorb the blunt of the force. If you want the pain to go away it, it will and you gotta get annoyed with it lingering and bugging you like that. Ladies and gentlemen, this is why I strongly reiterate that you forgive this person because the next time he/she looks at you, they are going to know that they missed out on a good thing. when you can look at him/her and offer an handshake, he/she know that they have no power over you.

The seventh thing, find someone to talk to about your ex even if you've told them seventy thousand times and you keep talking about it, eventually you'll get sick of hearing yourself talking about this person. As my mom always tells me, you've got to look out for you. And if he/she couldn't treat you the way that you should be treated, it was not worth it, everyone deserves equal respect, why are you wasting your time if you can't follow this simple rule. Also, if the relationship ended before you two got married, be grateful it ended now than years later down the road when yawl have kids and hear comes the nasty divorce and more pain for you to bear. When a man/woman truly loves you, they don't have to put up any pretenses, they tell you like it is and they respect you. The keyword, RESPECT.

The eight thing, if you've been heart broken really bad and no one's around to help you, you've got to dedicate time to yourself to piece you back together. You add more salt to the burn when you jump into another relationship because you've starting a downward spiral and pretty soon you become this person that you don't even know and you'll be blaming somebody else for all of your troubles. Prayer is a powerful tool, I prayed many nights and cried to God to let me get over this man. You think of the pain, the sword piercing cut that makes you feel like your heart's been bleeding for days. That pain you have to turn over to God and not let the devil catch you off guard. Hide, cry, spend time with yourself, ask those why questions, why did it happen to me? Keep praying to God and spend some time with him, I could do a lot more of that myself. Give yourself time to properly heal and your heart will tell you when you are ready for something new. You're constantly learning new things as you go so give it time.

The ninth thing, after you've done crying, get your butt out of bed and go do something. For me, I went back to writing, unfortunately I don't have any girlfriends to go out dancing to the clubs with so I went by myself. Get out, find out what's going on in the world. Find a hobby and if you can't find one, invent one and don't tell your parents about your man/woman troubles. I'm sorry but this is one of those situations where you gotta man up and handle it with God. You've got to fight this battle for you and you've got to look in the mirror and realize the person that you are and who God made you to be. I always tell my friends when they're feeling down and out. I tell them, God made one of them for a reason, there is nobody else on this planet like you, you mean to tell me that you're going to let this person stop you from realzing the amazing person that God made you to be. And when you think of it on that level and realize how beautiful and precious you are to God, you can look at your ex without hate in your heart and accept that God was not going to let you stay with someone who did not see you the way that He sees you. There is a man/woman out there who sees us this way and they're what Madea calls the long distance man, not the seasonal man. You don't want the seasonal man, there's a ton of them out there. You've got to get the long distance man, shoot I don't even know where to look for that one, but that takes patience and time.

The final thing I have to say, time heals all wounds but God heals all hearts. There's a time and place for everything because life is too damn short to let a broken heart stop you. There is so much that you have to offer to the world, don't let one broken heart stop you from experiencing that joy that so many others could be benefiting from you. And that whole thing where they say it takes half the time of the relationship to get over the person, can I slap the person who said that. It's taken me a long time to get over mine and I'm probably about 85% there I think. He pops up in my dream if i'm thinking too hard about something. I don't want him there but he shows up but his manifestations doesn't tie me to him. Listen to your subconscious on a metaphorical level, that does a really good job of helping you get over hurts too. Now I really don't know how I'd react if I saw my ex again, I really don't know but I'm here at this point where I could offer the handshake. He never gave me any closure so I'm doing it for myself and now I look forward to the day that I get to meet Nicky Hayden, if I could marry that man, words wouldn't be able to describe the feeling. That's my piece on that. later.