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okay first off, I don' know what you should do but I thought this would be funny. It's quite cool that i can type this fast and know what i'm actually talking about. how come my ex doesn't call me. it's crazy how really fast he's gotten over me but it's taken me about a year to do the same and i'm still not over the guy. i guess different strokes for different folks. i get no love around here, nobody loves me. I just finished watching Heroes and it was really cool. I drank about six, seven, who knows how many glasses of wine I've had but it was really good and i'm staring out my window and all i see are street lights. it's something like almost 2:30 in the morning but who cares. I have nothing sweet to dream about. nobody cares, and nobody loves. i'm tempted to drunk dial people and say I'm sorry but might just be really shallow and i'm not ready to get b**tched out my current girlfriend but hey it wasn't my fault for being pushed to the side.
Wow, a black woman can't get nowhere in this world, well maybe America really. I love white guys and all but damn, why's it gotta be so hard to just find one that likes you for you. it would be nice to have the companionship but the way i see things, i'll probably be staring out my window as we speak trying to figure out how not to make my head start spinning. i must say that NOrcal has the best wine because i've had about six to seven, who knows and i have no single clue what i'm talking about. i used to leave these messages on my myspace but i see no purpose in using that site anymore. i'm not going to bed though i should be studying, wow i'm such a procrastinator, that's so bad but heh, i'm feeling blah and lost in the clouds. i'd like to hide in the clouds, at least i'd feel safe. if i really wanted to, I could just jump out of my window and probably not feel a thing, well maybe cold hair. i've had some suicidal thoughts and trust me they are not over my ex. the guy hurt me sure enough but not that bad and i have every right to deal with it how i see fit so there. all those flicrking lights and no stars int eh sky. there's no love on this earth, i miss my momm and my brother. i'm sure that he could knock some sense into me but right now as we speak, i'm staring out this window and i see no life. i dont feel loved or tresured,i never did so why should i feel that such hopes exists for me.
i'll probably go watch another movie but i do feel a bit tired. it's close to three but not there yet and yes i am bored. and yes i am drunk, so it's one of those drunken blgos but whatever who cares. i'm here by myself sometimes i wish i weren't alive but i like my life enough where i don't wanna die. i'd like to meet jesus but i'm scared of death anyway. life's a double edge sword, i don't belong but i'm already here and i have no aspiration of trying to fit in when i know this is not my home. you know i'd be much more better off if i wasn't born, one less person to think about, one less life to be affected by. i can say i find little in my self worth but i live in a country where such things mean nothing and i definitely don't belong. lies and lies and more lies are all i see, i fall to my feet and try to retreat. no one helps, no one saves, no one cares and no one shares. no one loves and i've lost my hope, no one holds my hands and no one is there to guide me home. who cares about what i've written, to you it's all a joke.
where were you when i cried those tears, i cried so hard and yet you didn't hold me. i laid next to you hoping you'd turn to hold me but you fell asleep and i sat in that chair and it held my tears. nobody cares for me because my skin tone is black, i'll never be good enough. i can never make you see how much i truly cared for you. i loved you so much, i gave my world for you. i was never good enough and you never saw the best in me, i don't know how you can affect me this much but i loved you so. i'll love you forever, i'll not deny it to myself, i wish so many times that you were here. you were my best friend and you would've stand up for me. but now you don't know who i am and nobody cares. daddy left and mom can only do so much. i don't love me because i see no worth in me. i couldn't keep you by my side, you felt safe in her arms and now she holds your heart. i would've given you all i could, love you for life, i once wished that i was your wife but she's yours now and that i'll try to justify. you don't call, you don't say hello, you laugh in your heart and cast me to the side. i meant nothing to you as i don't to anyone. no one sees any beauty in me so why do i bother to cease to exist. i would jump out this window but i'd rather cry because i don't think they'd reach you. i'll never be good enough and true love will never reach me. i can shed all the tears i want and you'll still not end up by my side. i'll love you forever because you mean that much to me. i can't be mad at you because i'll always wish the best for you.
i'm not happy and there's no joy in my life but i can see that you are , i hope some part of you still thinks of me becaue it was really cool that you came into my life. you taught me how to love unselfishly, you taught me how to care and to open my heart. i don't have yo anymore and though you lied to me, i can forgive you because nothing's left of me. you don't say hi, you refuse to recognize that i exist, i'm sorry i'm just not over you. she can bitch me out, she can do whatever she wants but it's my right to still have feelings for you. i'm not asian, i'm not her, i'm only one being who myself feels cast out by human kind. my strength as fallen and i am very weak. i don't know i am, i've lost me since you left me. i left because you broke my heart. i would hug you just to say that i miss you love, i would hug you and tell you how much i missed my best friend. i can't change being black and i can't change that a part of me will always love you. no matter how many woman you've been with, i'll always wish you safe and wish you joy. i miss your kisses and i miss your smile. i can say these things because it's my right and it's my free will. you've affected me in a way and i can't get over you. i'll miss you forever and i'll wonder how you're doing. i am glad that you are happy but i wonder, do you ever think about me, why would you? i was a slob and i brought nothing to your life, you thought i gave you an STD when you refused to put your trust in me. you broke me down because i wanted to have success in life. you pretended to love me, why would you play me for a fool? i cried so many nights when all the while she was the one that your heart called out to. i should've known, i should've let you go, you were the first that i wanted to hold onto. i didn't love you because you were so beautiful, i loved you because i thought i had a friend in you. i took my painting back because i held no worth in you, i wanted to be done with you because you threw me away. now here i am, almost a year later and i'm not over you. how do you sleep at night and not see me in your dreams, how can you hide from me when i myself try not to think of you. if you were hurt, i would cry, i loved you so much, i never thought i could do this part of me. you have showed that met that i'm not worthy that i should become like the rest of the world, why did you waste your time with me or was it really she in place of me, that you gave your heart to because you couldn't stand up for me? you never call or say hello but i always wonder if you are okay, i'm glad that your'e happy that you're okay.
i'm not happy and i'm not okay, i've never been the same since you went away. i can forgive you, i'm ready to move on, i don't want a trail of rail cars behind me but you have been the heaviest burden that i have to bear. i'll always vent about you because you treated me this way. i was never good enough for you and now i see no worth in me. call this your pity story, call it whatever you want. you did this to me now i'm calling you for it. have your girlfriend, the one you kept on the side, i knew about her, ever since thanksgiving, all you wanted me to do, was be out of your life. you thought you had me fool, how could you do this to me, how could you treat me so cold when i gave all i could to you. because i have a dream, what does my social status have to do with anything, just because i came here to this country to make something of myself, your family saw that i wasn't good enough for you. you let that guide your actions, wow Tom, how could you let that come between me and you. i don't know how you've affected me more than anyone else could. i'll never be the same without you, times i wish you'd hold me in your arms, times i wished if you ever or even cared for me. it's three o'clock the witching hour, i guess i should try to go to bed and rest my head. so many questions so few little answers. i'll call you out forever and try to figure out why you did so cold, again nobody listens and nobody cares to find out why i'm all alone and nobody's there. when i hurt my foot or break my stride, i'm the only one that has to carry me through to the next ride. nobody listens and nobody feels my life, there's no place for me here so why am i still here. sometimes i want to be in that special home where's God love will carryy me home. where my tears will cease and burdens will fall on his arms, when i can sleep at night and peace is in my sight. so yeah i've realized, what's the point in caring when it gets your nowhere, all you feel is more hurts and more pains for you to bear.
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