Release - End of 2008

glitter-graphics.com


I've come a long way since the start of 2008. Though I did not like the outcome, I am grateful to still be alive when so many others have lost theirs. I have learned that, as human beings, it's hard to trust others, and sometimes God to let things go. Knowing that we've truly moved on; when you've experienced something that hurts you so bad and you just can't understand why it had to happen to you. When you do find the answer, it's hard to accept it though you wish that things could've turned out another way.

I have survived, I'm trying to find my smile again, I definitely want to and I'm getting there. I'm hoping that romance and a lasting relationship would find me though it is not something that I'm seeking or in need of, a girl can only be independent for so long until she realizes that sometime valuable is missing. But no man can love me the way God loves me and if my heart is not right with him, my heart is not ready for another man though that's something that I want.

I was very numb in 2008 and sought ways to find out if I was still alive. I was walking but did not know if I was getting anywhere, better yet, just walking in circles. I saw but only saw clouds in front of me. I made decisions but couldn't really think on my own. I struggled and fought to find me in 2008, only to realize how much pain and hurt had indwelled inside me. I just had this need to scream, to lash out at everyone that ever hurt me. As RED's song Fight Inside made me realize how huge a fight I was fighting with myself. I can see that part of me now and it takes great self-control to have this side of me released. Now I know how the kindest person in the world can become the most heinous man within that space of time.

The world is filled with too much violence, wickedness and moral degradation. How do you fight a fight like this? Where is my faith? I overthink something and give myself too much credit when it's not mine to give. No man should ever be alone by himself for too long. He loses himself when he's alone and the evil inside takes over him. There's no community, I still haven't found my place where I belong and what I think I've found, do I really want it or can it really satisfy me? I want and want, thinking that materialistic endeavours could bring me joy. Without any money, how do you get the confidence and say I would like to help someone, how do I give back? My faith fell by the wayside in 2008 but was tested at the same time. I know that I'm angry. As much as I hate being alone, I would love to be near an ocean or mountain side, in that moment to walk with God and truly say what I really feel. I'm saying what's on my mind but I don't even know if I'm really talking. I need a release, I need to let go. I do know now that I'm definitely not alone that I'm also not in this alone. Whether I want the help or not is another question I have to face. I want to let go and I need to be let go because one more person tries to hold me back, by God' s grace I hope I don't lose my temper. I know what my voice sounds like.

I'm not a fool, I'm not stupid, I can see through the lies but you can't blind me with your deception. I know the meaning of true respect, I know the meaning of character, I know the meaning of imperfection but we try to be perfect as we will never be in an imperfect world. I am not angry, I am irritated and very much irked that I can't release, that these thoughts still plague me. I am a survivor somehow I know harder battles will come and that I'll have to accept and face when the time comes. I wish in this moment as if I were leaning against a cold wall with my arm folded that all those who hate me and have a change of heart. The ones filled with jealousy, who judge my imperfect being. I would like you to look into my eyes and see my struggle, see the love that I give but hasn't been returned to me. When you look at my beauty you see the imperfection in you. I am not like you, I don't have your DNA, I don't have your personality, I am not you. I give freely but what value of respect do you truly give me. That goes to everyone who does not value the people in their life. Respect is a two-way street because if we truly respected who we care or pretend to care about, we would not treat them as we do and we would strive for the same.

No man is an island, no man stands alone. I came from an island but I still haven't been able to become a true American. We are from two separate worlds, I wear your fashions, I read your history, I travel your destinations, and I work for your country. Still you do not know who I am nor do you care to. I can't do for you what I can't do for myself. To you, I'm temporary gratification, when the next best thing comes along, you throw me to the waist side. You bend, break, and bruise me but you can't destroy me.

For 2009 it is my goal to make my smile light up a room. My hair will be even bigger and spirit shine brighter. I will strive to become a better woman and no longer a little girl. You will not take me for granted, you will respect me. I will defend my honor and you will not take it from me. I will love again, I will make new friends. I will inspire others and do the best I can. I will find my niche, I will blossom and I will shine and laugh more. I will talk louder and I will not be afraid and I will take better care of my health, maybe even have a family with a blessing from the Lord. But most importantly, the most important goal I have for 2009 is bonding with God as I've never done before. It is my hope to all that we not get caught up in the ills of the world and what is out of our control, but with what talents and gifts we have, bless others.