Release - End of 2008

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I've come a long way since the start of 2008. Though I did not like the outcome, I am grateful to still be alive when so many others have lost theirs. I have learned that, as human beings, it's hard to trust others, and sometimes God to let things go. Knowing that we've truly moved on; when you've experienced something that hurts you so bad and you just can't understand why it had to happen to you. When you do find the answer, it's hard to accept it though you wish that things could've turned out another way.

I have survived, I'm trying to find my smile again, I definitely want to and I'm getting there. I'm hoping that romance and a lasting relationship would find me though it is not something that I'm seeking or in need of, a girl can only be independent for so long until she realizes that sometime valuable is missing. But no man can love me the way God loves me and if my heart is not right with him, my heart is not ready for another man though that's something that I want.

I was very numb in 2008 and sought ways to find out if I was still alive. I was walking but did not know if I was getting anywhere, better yet, just walking in circles. I saw but only saw clouds in front of me. I made decisions but couldn't really think on my own. I struggled and fought to find me in 2008, only to realize how much pain and hurt had indwelled inside me. I just had this need to scream, to lash out at everyone that ever hurt me. As RED's song Fight Inside made me realize how huge a fight I was fighting with myself. I can see that part of me now and it takes great self-control to have this side of me released. Now I know how the kindest person in the world can become the most heinous man within that space of time.

The world is filled with too much violence, wickedness and moral degradation. How do you fight a fight like this? Where is my faith? I overthink something and give myself too much credit when it's not mine to give. No man should ever be alone by himself for too long. He loses himself when he's alone and the evil inside takes over him. There's no community, I still haven't found my place where I belong and what I think I've found, do I really want it or can it really satisfy me? I want and want, thinking that materialistic endeavours could bring me joy. Without any money, how do you get the confidence and say I would like to help someone, how do I give back? My faith fell by the wayside in 2008 but was tested at the same time. I know that I'm angry. As much as I hate being alone, I would love to be near an ocean or mountain side, in that moment to walk with God and truly say what I really feel. I'm saying what's on my mind but I don't even know if I'm really talking. I need a release, I need to let go. I do know now that I'm definitely not alone that I'm also not in this alone. Whether I want the help or not is another question I have to face. I want to let go and I need to be let go because one more person tries to hold me back, by God' s grace I hope I don't lose my temper. I know what my voice sounds like.

I'm not a fool, I'm not stupid, I can see through the lies but you can't blind me with your deception. I know the meaning of true respect, I know the meaning of character, I know the meaning of imperfection but we try to be perfect as we will never be in an imperfect world. I am not angry, I am irritated and very much irked that I can't release, that these thoughts still plague me. I am a survivor somehow I know harder battles will come and that I'll have to accept and face when the time comes. I wish in this moment as if I were leaning against a cold wall with my arm folded that all those who hate me and have a change of heart. The ones filled with jealousy, who judge my imperfect being. I would like you to look into my eyes and see my struggle, see the love that I give but hasn't been returned to me. When you look at my beauty you see the imperfection in you. I am not like you, I don't have your DNA, I don't have your personality, I am not you. I give freely but what value of respect do you truly give me. That goes to everyone who does not value the people in their life. Respect is a two-way street because if we truly respected who we care or pretend to care about, we would not treat them as we do and we would strive for the same.

No man is an island, no man stands alone. I came from an island but I still haven't been able to become a true American. We are from two separate worlds, I wear your fashions, I read your history, I travel your destinations, and I work for your country. Still you do not know who I am nor do you care to. I can't do for you what I can't do for myself. To you, I'm temporary gratification, when the next best thing comes along, you throw me to the waist side. You bend, break, and bruise me but you can't destroy me.

For 2009 it is my goal to make my smile light up a room. My hair will be even bigger and spirit shine brighter. I will strive to become a better woman and no longer a little girl. You will not take me for granted, you will respect me. I will defend my honor and you will not take it from me. I will love again, I will make new friends. I will inspire others and do the best I can. I will find my niche, I will blossom and I will shine and laugh more. I will talk louder and I will not be afraid and I will take better care of my health, maybe even have a family with a blessing from the Lord. But most importantly, the most important goal I have for 2009 is bonding with God as I've never done before. It is my hope to all that we not get caught up in the ills of the world and what is out of our control, but with what talents and gifts we have, bless others.

Spiritual Rehab

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A year ago I was the most miserable person I knew. My self confidence was so low that I was ready to give up on my life and not deal with things anymore. It was a hard year and still I felt as if no one gave a care about me. I had a lot of anger inside as I felt that I was always being taken for granted. Guys never cared, I don't even know why they even bothered wasting their time. Being pissed off my ex really got me nowhere but I guess this year I started seeing people for who they really were. As much as I hated being alone, I know that there was a reason for it. I'm still angry, not really angry, mainly more frustrated and gravely annoyed. Tired of the negativity but I can't even seem to find my own happiness. I'm locked up in this prison cell called San Francisco and I can't wait until I finally get out. My mother tells me to stay and hang in there a little while. I can't fight this battle anymore and it's only a matter of time if I stayed here, I will lose so much of myself, there won't be anything left of me. Loneliness will drive you to despair and I'll try not to think about it too much else tears will start to fall down. Sometimes I feel like I'm better off if no one did give a crap about me, then no one would have anything to say about me. My head has always been in the clouds and growing up, I've always been alone. This I've learned to deal with as many others just don't know how to survive this part being alone.


I've been tackling all the issues that have been confronting me but many of these I cannot get an answer to, many of these are out of my control. I looked out my window a couple days ago and then I realized that I really have lived my life alone. I guess I've deserted everyone and hide off in my own place. I'm definitely detached from the world. I really don't have any family ties nor do I have friendly ties so I can tell you this much that if my life turns around and all this stuff starts happening to me and my life starts to come alive or something like that, make sure to pinch me because I'll seriously think that I"m dreaming. Have you ever met a Christian who was depressed. We're supposed to be happy because Jesus is so awesome. He is awesome without a doubt but I tell you how I know that I have a relationship with him and that He is for real. Well let's just say he likes to do these little things where he stops you in your tracks and sits you down and really makes you think about what is really going on with you.

I haven't gone to church since who knows when. I'm in hiding, it's not that I'm afraid to deal with stuff, I don't like my environment. When I'm not working, or I don't have to be in school until a later time, I'm in my bed, that's my sacred place, my safety place and man many conversations and tears I've shed with God on that bed. Many dreams about my future, many questions of "why" I ask my Savior and all this time, He's been piecing me back together. I think once you've had your heartbroken over something or someone you love. Me being me, I know that I'll never go back to that place again. I love sportbikes but I'm still terrified to ride one after the experience I went through but I still love them. Unfortunately that's not the case with me and love, I guess I'm going through spiritual rehab and I don't think I'm fully healed yet.

People always want to see me stumble, they always want to see me fall. When a major part of you is lost or you've hit the ground, you'd be surprised what really has an effect on you. For me, maybe I do have the patience of a saint or simply my thoughts of this world don't mean a thing to me. When you're detached from an environment, you walk around like an empty soul, just watching, observing, hoping, waiting, waiting for that call to action. I've been keenly aware of what is going on around me and I'm not happy about it. Nothing on this planet can sustain me only Christ can. I'm getting better at reading my Bible and I'm very surprised that I've been able to be as celibit as long as I have.

I really don't trust guys and I really don't trust people, maybe I don't trust me. Hmm if I had to ask myself this question, how much do I think I'm worth? I tell you this much, if Jesus had to give his life for me, that says a lot. Also if I fought to stay alive in my mother's womb, for what reason I really don't have a clue and still have yet to figure out. I've traveled three-quarters of the way around the globe, so that's gotta count for something. I'm a fighter, it's in my nature. You can doubt me all you want but I've seen enough adversity in my life to where my issues, I deal with them with God and I do the best I can to live by his rules. Yup I can live alone and survive on my own. I'm very adaptable and there's only one of me. This year I have found a depth to my character that even startles me and I know when the confident woman inside me, I'm even scared my own self. I'm still a kid though and I still got lots to learn and I'm ready for it.

So about the ex, I'm really annoyed of the character and front that he put on for me. I love his family, they're awesome but wow, the man I fell for and that is why I am not going down that road again, no way no sir, that love thing is not for me. I'll just sing songs and praises to God all day, Jesus will be happy and my heart will be happy. You try to please a man and he sends you to hell and takes everything from you. Marriage, sounds nice, I mean I don't think I'll ever get married, ask me this question in another year and then see how I feel. I think I'd much rather get the puffiest and biggest wedding dress and just walk around in the thing and feel like a princess all day and wear riding shoes underneath it, that's totally cool with me. Now if I had a million bucks, well in this day and age, I'd need more than a million bucks but let's just say if I could have all the money that I want, what would I do with itL

First I"d pay off all my debts and my mom's and my brother's and my mom's best friend. Then I'd buy myself a sweet looking house near the beach. I'd keep my day job because I gotta pay for utilities and yard upkeep and all that stuff. Then I'd be myself a car, a fast one and a reliable one and a tour bus, why the tour bus because I'm going to open up an orphanage and adopt a ton of kids and learn all aspects of the arts and open my own business and learn a lot about business management and be a stay at home and homeschool my kids. And I'd also have my teaching credentials. Yessir, I'd be a full time mom and totally loving my life and staying active and show my kids what the world has to offer. If I had all this, I'd have no need for a husband because I am not about to try to impress some dude because he wants to be visually stimulated seeing his wife in steamy lingerie, don't get me started on that. Marriage is not for me but damn what girl wouldn't want to come home to a gorgeous man (in her eyes whom she finds handsome). Well if there is such a thing as a very handsome Christian man in my eyes that loved God, I"m not shallow and I'm not judgemental with guys, I said he had to be handsome in my eyes. What I've learned too, he may be handsome to you but not what you need. I don't need a man. What I need is a dog and a vacation and a car, who knows what I need, I don't know what I need. I need a life makeover. Sometimes I feel like I'm bi-polar but i'm not, I'm just pissed off and annoyed half the time. I have a very complex personality which is why I can adapt to anything but I find that people don't like you when you've got big dreams and you don't their support to do whatever you want. I don't want to be independent all the time but who knows I"m still young, I still got some time to before I have to become unjaded. But for right now I"m just piecing me back together and the happy parts of me, sorry but they're staying hidden because there's too many evil people out there who really want to see me fall and if I do, I still got my moon boot then I can really give you a piece of my mind.


my hopes for the future. I don't like to say the word hell or curse for that matter only when I'm pissed. So here's my hopes for the future, to hell with all this negativity in my life. To hell with all the struggles, to hell with San Francisco, to hell with loneliness. To hell with not having joy in my life. what do I want for the future, I want a lot of stuff so right now I"m just going to keep them between me and God and don't think I'm bluffing, I"m just not sharing what I want. Anyways I already told you up there but I do hope I get to ride a sportbike again because I don't want my riding gear wearing out on me. I'll be leaving San Francisco and I couldn't be more overjoyed and I really hope I get to find a place and own my first car, I'll write again about learning how to drive all over again. That's going to be fun I hope. That's it for now, my head hurts cause my brain is thinking way too hard. I guess I'll be happy one day and enjoying life the way I should, so until next time, peace.

what not to do when you're drunk

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okay first off, I don' know what you should do but I thought this would be funny. It's quite cool that i can type this fast and know what i'm actually talking about. how come my ex doesn't call me. it's crazy how really fast he's gotten over me but it's taken me about a year to do the same and i'm still not over the guy. i guess different strokes for different folks. i get no love around here, nobody loves me. I just finished watching Heroes and it was really cool. I drank about six, seven, who knows how many glasses of wine I've had but it was really good and i'm staring out my window and all i see are street lights. it's something like almost 2:30 in the morning but who cares. I have nothing sweet to dream about. nobody cares, and nobody loves. i'm tempted to drunk dial people and say I'm sorry but might just be really shallow and i'm not ready to get b**tched out my current girlfriend but hey it wasn't my fault for being pushed to the side.

Wow, a black woman can't get nowhere in this world, well maybe America really. I love white guys and all but damn, why's it gotta be so hard to just find one that likes you for you. it would be nice to have the companionship but the way i see things, i'll probably be staring out my window as we speak trying to figure out how not to make my head start spinning. i must say that NOrcal has the best wine because i've had about six to seven, who knows and i have no single clue what i'm talking about. i used to leave these messages on my myspace but i see no purpose in using that site anymore. i'm not going to bed though i should be studying, wow i'm such a procrastinator, that's so bad but heh, i'm feeling blah and lost in the clouds. i'd like to hide in the clouds, at least i'd feel safe. if i really wanted to, I could just jump out of my window and probably not feel a thing, well maybe cold hair. i've had some suicidal thoughts and trust me they are not over my ex. the guy hurt me sure enough but not that bad and i have every right to deal with it how i see fit so there. all those flicrking lights and no stars int eh sky. there's no love on this earth, i miss my momm and my brother. i'm sure that he could knock some sense into me but right now as we speak, i'm staring out this window and i see no life. i dont feel loved or tresured,i never did so why should i feel that such hopes exists for me.

i'll probably go watch another movie but i do feel a bit tired. it's close to three but not there yet and yes i am bored. and yes i am drunk, so it's one of those drunken blgos but whatever who cares. i'm here by myself sometimes i wish i weren't alive but i like my life enough where i don't wanna die. i'd like to meet jesus but i'm scared of death anyway. life's a double edge sword, i don't belong but i'm already here and i have no aspiration of trying to fit in when i know this is not my home. you know i'd be much more better off if i wasn't born, one less person to think about, one less life to be affected by. i can say i find little in my self worth but i live in a country where such things mean nothing and i definitely don't belong. lies and lies and more lies are all i see, i fall to my feet and try to retreat. no one helps, no one saves, no one cares and no one shares. no one loves and i've lost my hope, no one holds my hands and no one is there to guide me home. who cares about what i've written, to you it's all a joke.


where were you when i cried those tears, i cried so hard and yet you didn't hold me. i laid next to you hoping you'd turn to hold me but you fell asleep and i sat in that chair and it held my tears. nobody cares for me because my skin tone is black, i'll never be good enough. i can never make you see how much i truly cared for you. i loved you so much, i gave my world for you. i was never good enough and you never saw the best in me, i don't know how you can affect me this much but i loved you so. i'll love you forever, i'll not deny it to myself, i wish so many times that you were here. you were my best friend and you would've stand up for me. but now you don't know who i am and nobody cares. daddy left and mom can only do so much. i don't love me because i see no worth in me. i couldn't keep you by my side, you felt safe in her arms and now she holds your heart. i would've given you all i could, love you for life, i once wished that i was your wife but she's yours now and that i'll try to justify. you don't call, you don't say hello, you laugh in your heart and cast me to the side. i meant nothing to you as i don't to anyone. no one sees any beauty in me so why do i bother to cease to exist. i would jump out this window but i'd rather cry because i don't think they'd reach you. i'll never be good enough and true love will never reach me. i can shed all the tears i want and you'll still not end up by my side. i'll love you forever because you mean that much to me. i can't be mad at you because i'll always wish the best for you.

i'm not happy and there's no joy in my life but i can see that you are , i hope some part of you still thinks of me becaue it was really cool that you came into my life. you taught me how to love unselfishly, you taught me how to care and to open my heart. i don't have yo anymore and though you lied to me, i can forgive you because nothing's left of me. you don't say hi, you refuse to recognize that i exist, i'm sorry i'm just not over you. she can bitch me out, she can do whatever she wants but it's my right to still have feelings for you. i'm not asian, i'm not her, i'm only one being who myself feels cast out by human kind. my strength as fallen and i am very weak. i don't know i am, i've lost me since you left me. i left because you broke my heart. i would hug you just to say that i miss you love, i would hug you and tell you how much i missed my best friend. i can't change being black and i can't change that a part of me will always love you. no matter how many woman you've been with, i'll always wish you safe and wish you joy. i miss your kisses and i miss your smile. i can say these things because it's my right and it's my free will. you've affected me in a way and i can't get over you. i'll miss you forever and i'll wonder how you're doing. i am glad that you are happy but i wonder, do you ever think about me, why would you? i was a slob and i brought nothing to your life, you thought i gave you an STD when you refused to put your trust in me. you broke me down because i wanted to have success in life. you pretended to love me, why would you play me for a fool? i cried so many nights when all the while she was the one that your heart called out to. i should've known, i should've let you go, you were the first that i wanted to hold onto. i didn't love you because you were so beautiful, i loved you because i thought i had a friend in you. i took my painting back because i held no worth in you, i wanted to be done with you because you threw me away. now here i am, almost a year later and i'm not over you. how do you sleep at night and not see me in your dreams, how can you hide from me when i myself try not to think of you. if you were hurt, i would cry, i loved you so much, i never thought i could do this part of me. you have showed that met that i'm not worthy that i should become like the rest of the world, why did you waste your time with me or was it really she in place of me, that you gave your heart to because you couldn't stand up for me? you never call or say hello but i always wonder if you are okay, i'm glad that your'e happy that you're okay.

i'm not happy and i'm not okay, i've never been the same since you went away. i can forgive you, i'm ready to move on, i don't want a trail of rail cars behind me but you have been the heaviest burden that i have to bear. i'll always vent about you because you treated me this way. i was never good enough for you and now i see no worth in me. call this your pity story, call it whatever you want. you did this to me now i'm calling you for it. have your girlfriend, the one you kept on the side, i knew about her, ever since thanksgiving, all you wanted me to do, was be out of your life. you thought you had me fool, how could you do this to me, how could you treat me so cold when i gave all i could to you. because i have a dream, what does my social status have to do with anything, just because i came here to this country to make something of myself, your family saw that i wasn't good enough for you. you let that guide your actions, wow Tom, how could you let that come between me and you. i don't know how you've affected me more than anyone else could. i'll never be the same without you, times i wish you'd hold me in your arms, times i wished if you ever or even cared for me. it's three o'clock the witching hour, i guess i should try to go to bed and rest my head. so many questions so few little answers. i'll call you out forever and try to figure out why you did so cold, again nobody listens and nobody cares to find out why i'm all alone and nobody's there. when i hurt my foot or break my stride, i'm the only one that has to carry me through to the next ride. nobody listens and nobody feels my life, there's no place for me here so why am i still here. sometimes i want to be in that special home where's God love will carryy me home. where my tears will cease and burdens will fall on his arms, when i can sleep at night and peace is in my sight. so yeah i've realized, what's the point in caring when it gets your nowhere, all you feel is more hurts and more pains for you to bear.

The Race Card 2

I don't know how many of you read this article: Poll: Racial views steer some white Dems away from Obama You can find the article on Yahoo. I freaking swear it's so freaking hard to be a black person in this country and not have some white person looking down at us like we're nothing. Hell we'd try freaking harder if yawl would stop cutting programs, you know what, screw the programs. This whole BS about us being on welfare, being complaining, and lazy, yawl wouldn't have this country if it weren't for black people and yawl wanna call us lazy. Stripping us from our home lands, tearing up our communities for centuries and you wanna tell us to try harder, to stop complaining. Why don't you give us our family back.

HOw the hell can you live with yourselves for lynching our people for the fact that we have colored skinned. You brought your diseases to Africa to wipe us out. Africa is starving because of you people. Freaking Arnold the Terminator, yawl voted him into office and this dude had no political skills. Yawl voted Jessie Ventura for governor in Montana and the dude was a pro wrestler. Obama spent his whole life in politics because he wanted to make change. His wife graduated from Harvard, half of us don't even have the IQ to get accepted into Harvard, but no because yawl ignorant asses, because he's black, he's not good. Get your freaking head out of your ass and wake up. Aint nobody on this damn continent own the right to this land. Yawl descendants from Irish and Scottish background, they had to fight for their independence too from Britain. Yawl went through that same mess. Yawl coming over here, killing off the Indians for your greedy selves. That's why this economy is failing. And yawl say black people need to try harder, stop being all about me, myself and I, there's no damn community in this country, why do you think obesity is such a problem, Americans aren't happy, because yawl are greedy and competing with each other. You wanna say we need to try harder.

This country would be nothing without us, you get your entertainment from us. Yawl can't do half the stuff that we do, we're amazing athletes, we're amazing cooks, we're amazing musicians and we sure as hell can dance better than yawl. Ignorant, letting the media rule your decisions because you can't get your sorry asses off your coaches and go be a good neighbor but because I"m black, I have to sit around and let you disgrace me. I don't know who the hell you think you are but you don't own this country. All you KKK's, yawl wanna hate on blacks but you can't destroy our spirits. You can try to bring us down as much as you want because you're close minded. You don't have our spirits, you've never had to fight for anything, you don't know the meaning of what it's like to have something, just because you're white, it's expected to be handed down to you. Ooh yawl make me ashamed to be an American. This melting pot of a great nation, ooh yawl some ignorant. Yawl need to look in the mirror and check yourselves and go take a damn vacation to somewhere else in the world. Why don't you go to Sudan, Darfur, Chehnya, did you guys forget the crisis in Kosovo, did you forget the Serbian massacre of the Arabs in 1995. You people that harbor this attitude made me sick. Yawl need to get your hearts right and your head too.

My freaking WOW, the first time a black man is going to run for Presidency, you'd think a whole nation would be proud and stand up for one of its own. to show to the world that this is what we've been able to achieve in the 40 years that Civil Rights where granted to all people of other origins. Don't forget this too all you Asian People, Latino's, and those of you not White. It was a little over 40 years that we got freedoms in this country, 40 years ago. So yawl running to back McCain because he's a Republican, maybe yawl need to check the color of your skin too. Apparantly Asians forgot what injustices they had to deal with on the West Coast. Remember WWII, the Japanese Internment camps. Did you guys forget that HItler got his idea of the concentration camps from us. White people aint got a damn thing to be proud of your history, you SHOULD be ashamed of yourselves. And you tolerate the ideology of superiority. Aint no man, thing or being in this Universe greater than the Almighty God. You know who you are and don't think the good LORD doesn't know what's in your hearts. Black people know how to survive.

Damn, yawl get mad at the music that's degrading women, BAN the thing, stop talking about it to your friends, ban the Rolling Stones too while you're at it. Oh and PLLLLLEEEEAAASSSE stop copying us and paroding us in your movies, copying our slang, trying to be cool, taking our moves. It's not cute and you're not cool, you embarrass me and you insult me. Some of you black people share this same ideology, what the hell are you smoking or even thinking. I'm sorry I don't agree with half the crap my people do but damn I still love my people. Stop sitting there and dogging us and stop being about yourselves. Oh let's see, hmm when we do start doing better, what you're going to jump on our bandwagon and be like ooh oohh I was there to support this. I am so sick to be an American right now, my family busted our asses to get our citizenship and this is the reward that we get.

Maybe we need to read Abraham Lincoln "Gettysburg Address." I swear I don't know why i like white guys sometimes, I really don't know and this crap only makes me that much angry but I"m going to voice my opinion and let it be known that yawl aint right for this at all. And all of you from other countries, your poor countries too with no running or clean drinking water, don't get me started on you. Everybody that's in this country came here wants a better future, a better life than the one that they had before. You ask any foreigner that and you wanna judge me because I have black skin. I love my black skin, I love the fact that I can stay out in the sun, hell no I"m doing it but I'm just saying I can and I don't really have to tan. I love my blackness, black is beauty, black is sexy, we are courageous, we are fighters, we are resilient. Yawl hate if you want, we aint going nowhere, we'll be right behind you and you sure as hell don't want to piss us off. As Madea would say, don't make a black woman take off her earrings, I took mine off when I wrote this. I'm this angry, I'm surprised I didn't start typing the Jamaican language. America aint nothing without us, keep on hating, keep supplying your drugs that you try to destroy our communities, we'll bounce back. We've been doing it for centuries, yawl aint nothing without us, so keep hating. I'm going to bed, yawl don't make me wanna punch a hole in the wall. Yawl wrong for this!!!

The Race Card

None of the views that I express is meant to offend anyone. This is just me venting and writing about what I see around me.





I'm kinda mad right now but I'll get over it. Maybe it's cause I live in San Francisco this should be nothing new to me, but I don't know how many times I can look down the street from a block or two away and I won't see a black person in sight. It's kinda scary sometimes, that Rockwell song pops in my head, "I always feel like someone's watching me." Nah really but I'm sure that's happened. It's sad that there's not a good cultural mix of African American folks in this city, we've been dispersed outside of the city. I find it very disturbing when someone asks me where's all the black people and I get the answer, they live in Oakland. That's not a laughing matter, that's really scary when you think about it. Despite this whole task force thing that Mayor Gavin Newsom has set up to try to get us to stay. San Francisco is not a city for black people, this city only caters to you if you're Asian or White. It's like you have to fight to break down the stereotypes.

Damn just because I'm black, that stereotype is automatically there, but I'm Jamaican so I don't count. I don't like hearing the N word coming out of anybody's mouth. I'm not from San Francisco and I'm not ghetto. I like hyphy music but I don't live the lifestyle. It makes me sad too when I see all these girls with babies everywhere, don't get me wrong I love kids and all but who gives you or anyone else the right to stereotype us just because you see a sista with a kid or two on her arm. Men are men and women are women, take the race factor out of it and the generalities out. Mind I can't stand half the words that come out of some of these girls mouth but you have asian girls and latino girls and white girls that are just like that, so don't put that label on us.

Don't get me started on black men, I've never dated a black guy, I don't have anything against black guys, it's just not my preference. It's like you're never good enough if you're a black person, somewhere someone is always talking about you, wanting what you have or they don't want you to end up with nothing. Are you serious, as open-minded as we are in the 21st century, there is a lot of ignorance out there. I've never been tough enough to hang out with the black kids at school and they all talked smack about me because I was different and I didn't fit in. It's weird I'm from one of the states that dealt with the most racism, Virginia, and I've never had issues with my race until I came to San Francisco.

You're probably thinking how can that be since I"m living in one of the most liberal cities in the nation, but look around you, you'll see it. The worse is when you're a hard working black woman, with goals, morals, a good heart and you only strive to bring out the best in people. But because of my skin color, I'm inferior. WTF why can't I get a white guy that likes me for me. I'm sorry I'm not going to sashay around like these some of these Asian chicks who have nothing better to do than go with a white guy to look like their important. Every damn white dude you see around here has some Asian chick at his hip and she aint even cute. Those Asian chicks who swear up and down that they're cute, yawl aint nothing but copy cats, wannabe white girls. That's all you see in San Francisco, Asian girls jocking white dudes who don't know any better.

That's just me venting because my ex left my ass for some Asian girl and she aint even cute. Ooh I could kick him from here to Jupiter (and I'm laughing as I picture this happening.) He still hasn't fess up to it but I know and it's just funny to me now because he's so fake and I'm calling him out. Gosh those guys that put up this whole facade thinking just because he knows a little urban history, he's set. Mind you I was impressed but I figured it all out later and it's hilarious because I know who still has their integrity in tact. Thinking about some of the stuff that dude did to me, talk about psychological warfare but he's not the only hottie around. He's so ugly to me now because his personality is just dirty and wicked. But because the color of my skin wasn't good enough, I'm inferior. I didn't fit the stereotype, I have a degree, I'm actually smart with a good head on my shoulder.

I'm not racist, I'm just pissed off with this whole thing. That's the problem with interracial couples, if you're a black girl with a white dude, people turn their heads and they're like WTF, if you're white girl with a black dude, it's whatever. And the worse is if you're with a respectable guy, those same Asian girls and white girls probably talking smack right behind your back. You just can't win being a upstanding black woman in today's society. Aahh, it's so not fair but I'm sure I'll find my white guy. I'm not staying in San Francisco for long becaue this city does not cater to black folks, just walk around and observe for ten minutes and you'll what I'm talking about. Again if you get offended by this, sorry, I'm pissed off too. I just had to vent, I should be at church but I'm mad about that too.




Updated:

I'm officially not mad, the sun is shining and I had some milk and cookies, I'm straight. I'm not mad at my ex's girl, as long as he treats her good and she's happy, all the more reasons that I wish both of them the best. No I didn't have time to think about all of this so I have no regrets. I got no beefs against anyone of a different race, I like white guys, asian guys, it's not what's on the outside. It's what's on the inside. So everybody, just spread the love, we could all use a little more love.

How to Really Get Over Your Ex

I just drank the tartest kind of cranberry juice there is, wow it was tart! Okay so I"m writing this blog just to offer my own little advice. So when your ex doesn't want to give you closure, a part of you just doesn't want to take the next step. But I've gotten tired of waiting for this to happen so I got a little upset with myself and henceforth I"m finding my own closure and moving on past this experience. Maybe, I hope this can help someone.

The first thing that you have to do to get over your ex is to forgive him/her. You have to, if you don't bitterness and hate will linger in your heart and you'll bring that to the next guy. That's what you call baggage. There's a part of you that's going to fight this war of good vs. evil in regards to how you resolve this matter. I've always told myself and my friends, you are doing a huge disservice to a guy/girl who is truly head over heels for you but because you haven't resolved theses issues, you're missing out on the tremendous joy that you could be experiencing with that person. You can forgive someone although you'll probably never forget the experience, but you have to forgive that person and you'll feel better about it. They might be happy as a horse and you're as miserable as the wind blowing outside. Not only do you have to forgive the person that broke your heart but you have to forgive yourself too. Some of us jump into situations that you never expected the outcome to be what you thought. And then you tell yourself, why did I do this? I wish I didn't do that? Everything happens for a reason. Some things we are guilty of that we saw the signs but were so madly in love that you threw caution to the wind. Don't be so hard on yourself and learn to let it go. If it doesn't kill you, it really does make you stronger.

The second thing burn, destroy, rip up and get rid of everything that you have of that person, throw it out. Don't keep nothing of that person around, it'll only bring the memories back. That whole thing about writing a letter to your ex and then ripping it up, doesn't work, well for some it works for others it might not. If you can carefully burn anything that you wrote about that person that you're holding onto. Something about fire, maybe it's the idea of refining; fire has this cleansing element minus the fact that your house will smell like smoke and your eyes will burn like mad but it's all worth it. It really helps when you do this but like I said in a controlled environment and don't burn the house down please.

The third thing, everything that you ever wanted to vent to your ex and lash out at him for, don't ever tell him. I'm sure he/she can sense these feelings; the whole your ears feeling hot, yeah someone's mad at you. For those of you trying to get closure from an ex, this greatly applies here because you know very well that you still want to talk to him, see how he's doing, what is he like without you in his life. You burn a major bridge when you do this thus further hindering your chances of getting that closure you seek. This will also strengthen your character and help you to deal with other adversities if you are able to get your feelings under control about this person that has caused you a great deal of pain.

The fourth thing, it is perfectly okay to dream about that person, wish that you guys were still back together. There's nothing that you can do to control your subconscious, no one expects you to get over this person overnight. It is going to be very hard to establish a new routine without this person so don't deny to yourself that you don't care about this person. You are lying and thinking less of you because you are not realizing what prize you brought to the relationship. Find out what made this relationship so joyful for you that others before him didn't give you. Instead of thinking about all the wonderful things that you did together, think about the joy that you brought to this person, the joy that you felt. That you allowed yourself to be loved and to share that with someone else. You dedicated a significant amount of your time that you wanted to spend with this person. You had no regrets going into it with this person, don't have any when you leave.

The fifth thing, all the good stuff that you remembered about your ex, use it as a teaching tool to show you how to love again because breakups always make you turn into a hermit, either an extroverted one or an introverted one, either way you're still a hermit. I've read up on why it is that your ex appears in your dreams and it's not that you want to be with your ex, you want to experience that joy again but not with that same person. You'd have to be foolish to let the same shark bite you twice. If you think about it long enough, you'll realize who was the driving force behind the relationship. Who was the good moral one that sought to bring out the best in the other person. I don't know how guys deal with breakups but my ex found himself another girl in no time and lied straight to my face.

The sixth thing, don't ever fall for a pretty face. Ooh they are the worse, when an attractive man/woman is iffy about something pertaining to the two of you. Don't wait around and tell him "it's okay", "that's fine", I don't have a problem with that, get the hell out of there now. Those small little tolerances that you put up with from him/her. Like Keyshia Cole said in her song "Let It Go," it's not where he's at, it's where he wants to be. Sometimes you hear the news that you don't want to hear, the kind that just suckapunches you in the gut like really hard. So what do you do, just suck it up and absorb the blunt of the force. If you want the pain to go away it, it will and you gotta get annoyed with it lingering and bugging you like that. Ladies and gentlemen, this is why I strongly reiterate that you forgive this person because the next time he/she looks at you, they are going to know that they missed out on a good thing. when you can look at him/her and offer an handshake, he/she know that they have no power over you.

The seventh thing, find someone to talk to about your ex even if you've told them seventy thousand times and you keep talking about it, eventually you'll get sick of hearing yourself talking about this person. As my mom always tells me, you've got to look out for you. And if he/she couldn't treat you the way that you should be treated, it was not worth it, everyone deserves equal respect, why are you wasting your time if you can't follow this simple rule. Also, if the relationship ended before you two got married, be grateful it ended now than years later down the road when yawl have kids and hear comes the nasty divorce and more pain for you to bear. When a man/woman truly loves you, they don't have to put up any pretenses, they tell you like it is and they respect you. The keyword, RESPECT.

The eight thing, if you've been heart broken really bad and no one's around to help you, you've got to dedicate time to yourself to piece you back together. You add more salt to the burn when you jump into another relationship because you've starting a downward spiral and pretty soon you become this person that you don't even know and you'll be blaming somebody else for all of your troubles. Prayer is a powerful tool, I prayed many nights and cried to God to let me get over this man. You think of the pain, the sword piercing cut that makes you feel like your heart's been bleeding for days. That pain you have to turn over to God and not let the devil catch you off guard. Hide, cry, spend time with yourself, ask those why questions, why did it happen to me? Keep praying to God and spend some time with him, I could do a lot more of that myself. Give yourself time to properly heal and your heart will tell you when you are ready for something new. You're constantly learning new things as you go so give it time.

The ninth thing, after you've done crying, get your butt out of bed and go do something. For me, I went back to writing, unfortunately I don't have any girlfriends to go out dancing to the clubs with so I went by myself. Get out, find out what's going on in the world. Find a hobby and if you can't find one, invent one and don't tell your parents about your man/woman troubles. I'm sorry but this is one of those situations where you gotta man up and handle it with God. You've got to fight this battle for you and you've got to look in the mirror and realize the person that you are and who God made you to be. I always tell my friends when they're feeling down and out. I tell them, God made one of them for a reason, there is nobody else on this planet like you, you mean to tell me that you're going to let this person stop you from realzing the amazing person that God made you to be. And when you think of it on that level and realize how beautiful and precious you are to God, you can look at your ex without hate in your heart and accept that God was not going to let you stay with someone who did not see you the way that He sees you. There is a man/woman out there who sees us this way and they're what Madea calls the long distance man, not the seasonal man. You don't want the seasonal man, there's a ton of them out there. You've got to get the long distance man, shoot I don't even know where to look for that one, but that takes patience and time.

The final thing I have to say, time heals all wounds but God heals all hearts. There's a time and place for everything because life is too damn short to let a broken heart stop you. There is so much that you have to offer to the world, don't let one broken heart stop you from experiencing that joy that so many others could be benefiting from you. And that whole thing where they say it takes half the time of the relationship to get over the person, can I slap the person who said that. It's taken me a long time to get over mine and I'm probably about 85% there I think. He pops up in my dream if i'm thinking too hard about something. I don't want him there but he shows up but his manifestations doesn't tie me to him. Listen to your subconscious on a metaphorical level, that does a really good job of helping you get over hurts too. Now I really don't know how I'd react if I saw my ex again, I really don't know but I'm here at this point where I could offer the handshake. He never gave me any closure so I'm doing it for myself and now I look forward to the day that I get to meet Nicky Hayden, if I could marry that man, words wouldn't be able to describe the feeling. That's my piece on that. later.

Something New

That seems to be the nature of things lately or I feel that I've been communicated with. I'm new to this whole blogging thing. I tried it once and I had no clue what I was doing. So instead of trying to figure out exactly what I'm going to write about, I'm just going to do it for the heck of it. I read this fortune cookie today, the thing was sitting on top of the counter and I was ready to through it in the garbage can. I grabbed the first cookie, I thought they usually only give you one fortune cookie when you order Chinese food. I didn't eat the other two, nor do I really like fortune cookies for that matter, I just like what they have to say. The fortune cookie said "Try something new and you'll be happy with the results." So I was like aright, what can I do that's new in my little boring life. I love my life by the way but yes I am very bored. I've gotten better at watching NetFlix DVDs and I'm loving my PS3.

This weekend I watched "Something New" with Sanaa Lathan, I love when she stars in romantic movies. I loved her in "Love and Basketball" and I loved her in this movie. In this movie, her character goes on a blind date after her friends brings up this theory of "Let it go, let it flow." So her blind date turns out to be a white guy and she's not having it, she prefers the brothers. So anyhow the story moves along and she hires him to be her landscape architect and things get going. I was so jealous of her character the whole time. One day I hope to find me a white guy that actually likes me for who I am and I don't scare the crap out of him. I'm a pretty straight forward lady I think and I'm a nerd. I'm not giving away the ending of the movie but I loved the movie. I hope there's a white guy out there for me somewhere, a girl can dream. I don't discriminate against races but I just prefer white guys, for a while Asian guys took over and I thought that I wasn't going to like white guys again. I was just lying to myself because there's something about white guys, well I'm a dork, I'm really goofy. I guess I do have a childlike spirit but I'm all about making people laugh. So what does that have to do with white guys, I think my personality meshes better with them. Or it could also be the fact that a beautiful smile from one of you guys and I blush, yeah I've discovered that I can actually blush. Or the way you guys walk with your swagger and those eyes, OMG, yeah you guys had me with the eyes and smile. Okay I just like the male species there.

One of my guy friends and my boss asked me if I was going to be a lesbian because I was hating guys for the longest and told myself that I'd never give my heart to another. I started cracking up, nah I can't picture myself being a lesbian. Nothing beats having a man that you know that loves you, to me that's the equivalent of giving birth to a child. I'm a dreamer, always have been, always will be. Yeah I have my head in the clouds a lot but I don't dream as much as I used to. After I broke up with my ex, I shut down internally. I don't know how to get back to me that I knew before I met him. It's the strangest thing when you can't love something. Whenever I pray, I feel like my heart isn't getting enough out to express to God my heartache. I've got a guard around my heart like you would not believe. As much as I tell myself it would be nice to be dating someone, nah it's not happening to me. I'm too scared, I hide in my room on the weekends but that's good though. I'm regaining me and finding myself again. I don't think I'll always be that sixteen year girl who was her happiest in her senior year.

A lot of people around me have changed, my friends don't call me. No one checks on me except my mom, who's been there through it all. When everyone was going through their trials, I was there for them, now when I'm battling my demons, I had God alone but it was He that got me here. My prayers could be stronger, they are at times but I find myself being afraid to ask for the things that I would like to have. I'm afraid I'm being too selfish or those might take control of me. That's what happened with my ex.

I still don't know a lot about this whole love thing. What I thought I knew, that all went out the window after my ex. I kinda don't want the love thing and this is the problem that I'm having. I should want to find love again, not running away from it. That's the thing when you're a Pisces and you get burned the way I did, we'll tell you that we will run away from the thing that hurt us the most and never go back to it. Right now, my head's in the clouds. Even when I write my love stories, my characters are running away from love. They think that they are fighting for something or believe that love has truly found them, but it hasn't. They've just been blinded by what is real love.

guys do me a favor, if you have a woman that loves you and cares about you, do not let her go. I have had no desire to have any sexual relations with any guy. I'm rebuilding this temple. I've been reading this book, "Every Young Woman's Battle." I'm halfway through the book and the devil is already sending me temptations, it's crazy. All I can say is love will turn you into a fool but once you regain a sense of who you are and are comfortable with that, I hope that you'll make better decisions when it comes to guys/girls.

God has been my refuge and strength through all this. This is going to sound sad but it's the truth but I think that if I died tonight, I don't think anyone would know or show up at my funeral. I don't have a lot of friends, I just work and come home. I'm over my days of Facebook, Hotornot, Myspace. I can't meet real people in San Francisco unless they're my co-workers and that's not a lot of them that I know either. My world is very small here so again that's why my head's always in the clouds. I don't want a boyfriend here, my dilemma is not finding a ghetto white guy who's into hip hop and rocks the clothes and can dance like one. But to find one that is nice, attractive at least and can carry on a good conversation and me, to not go off running. I'm shy about stuff like that, i need a man with a good bout of confidence, not a big fat ego. God has been so good to me and it's a struggle trying not to lose yourself. I'm so numb and jaded and too independent, that's definitely one of the other problems. Although I cry over my ex, no I don't do it anymore, I can think about him but it doesn't affect me on that level. This year so far I've done a very good share of accomplishing my New Year's Resolutions, I've traveled. I graduated with my BFA in motion pictures & television. I'm healthy, my room totally reflects my personality. I've discovered that I like the color pink,white, and . I got my own HDTV and I own three video game systems. I have a lot of shoes and I can manage to pull off maternity clothes. I'll go into that one another time.

So I watched Tyler Perry's "What Done In The Dark," I laughed so hard, I have not watched a comedy that hilarious in so long but the story tugged at my heart so bad. Then my mom calls me up out of the blue and she starts telling me about Madea, I started rolling on the floor. I"m reading Tyler Perry's Everyone hates to be alone, i wish i didn't feel like I wasn't walking this road alone. I know that God is with me every step of the way. I don't know how to really expand my horizons although I don't really want to or even know how to, I want to what am I talking about. Everything costs money. I'm done with the clubbing, the drinking, definitely over one night stands. My life is pretty boring so what do I do, I write stories and daydream. I"m always thinking, this brain of mine never shuts down. Would you believe I dreamt that I went to Harvard, but that's what so cool about me, the oddest thing can be my biggest inspiration. The last inspiring thing that I did, I went to the Museum of the African Diaspora and that my friend was an experience that I'll never forget.

I gotta get to bed, I really hope I figure out a sleep schedule soon and ohhh school starts in less than two weeks, here we go again. My summer has definitely sucked but praises to the Lord that I was able to be celibate for that long. This post is about something new, I do feel that a lot of changes are going to happen in my life and I'm looking forward to them. I'm just going to learn how to step to the side and let God take the lead and not get lost in the crowd. Later