I'm Too Much

But, as it is written, "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him,"

1 Corinthians 2:9

When I want to give up, it's so nice to read a verse like this and it makes me run back to the Lord and realize that in him, I have all I could ever need. What a faithful God we have. Lately I just haven't been able to get a grip on my emotions and self-control. Falling into sin and giving into temptation and realizing the shame of it. I feel like such a hypocrite when I go down this road. When I give into the desires of my flesh, it only ends in frustration and I still end up losing in the end. The utter rejection that I feel, that I"m too much, I'll never be good enough.

My life the last couple of days I just feel like everything's falling apart around me and I just want to give up and leave it all. My living situation isn't great financially and it would be nice to move somewhere else more affordable but I wouldn't even know where to begin. I like where I live only because it's close to BART and my church. I've lived in the Bay Area for almost seven years. I came out here for school, that hasn't bid me well and I haven't gained any success really in my endeavours. But despite the lack of success in jobs and education, I've been able to see life for what it really is and how much I really need God. Every bump and hurdle in the road, He's brought me through them all. I've been told that all the mishaps that I've experienced in this present time will only make me stronger in the future. I know that I have a hope and a future. Right now it is hard to believe that when the walls around you are caving in.

School's cool, I love my program but I'm so afraid of how to pursue a career. I've felt so shut down for the last couple of years that there hasn't been anything that truly inspires me. Has my dreams been shot down that deeply that I've lost hope? That could be the case but right now, there's not much self-confidence I have for careers and jobs. Yes we all need to work. I've never been the one that dreamt about working in the office, I always pictured myself working from home inside a studio. I've been blessed with the gift to be able to learn and adapt to many things and that includes the realm of education, unless math is included then that's another story. But I"ve just never had it in me to be the one that comes home to the kids, that I always dreamt would be reserved for the hubby. My dream has always been to be a stay at home mom, teleconference and have my own studio working on design in my home. I love the program that I"m studying at school, I'm fascinated with it and the fact that I'm learning something and being surrounded by passionate people. I want all of my classmates to do well, they're very talented and I have said hurtful things about them of which I am sorry for. None the less they inspire me and I"d do whatever I can to help them. Maybe that's the part where the LORD would have me learn to serve others because truthfully I don't expect a return for myself. Who doesn't want success, we all do. I get more joy seeing others around me doing well if I've been able to contribute to that even just a small portion.

I have had a lot of anxiety over being able to return to school in the Fall. I wish it could happen but I'm unsure about it. Everything is closing in around me and I can't help but cry. It's hard not being covetous when others are doing well and you're on your bottom lacking bread. The effect that has on your spirit and no matter where you try to run, the Devil is at your backdoor ready to crush you. I've been crushed a couple of times already this year and I feel as though it'll only continue to be that way. But time and time again, the Lord has to remind me that He loves me, that He's always been faithful and He has. He has been a good God. And I"m so grateful that when I fall, He's right on me, I can't be plucked out of his hand if I"m truly his. How can a mortal human become perfection in Christ? How can God still love us despite the insane number of times that we break His heart and throw Him to the side and deny His worth? Why me? Why would God cause his Precious Son to die for this ever-failing, poor decision, human being that is me? I can't comprehend so great a Love as His. I just can't understand how he loves me that much.

So much I want to give up at times and I've kept quiet and not sharing the Lord with unbelievers. I haven't won any souls for Christ, look at my soul, I'm always messing up and ruining things. When I want to give up and follow after my flesh, all I see is condemnation and the road that leads to death and failure. I get so scared for all the people who don't know Christ or have rejected him. The things that they've allowed themselves to be comfortable with and the lies that have been told. So many people are going to go to Hell and I'm not doing anything to remind them that it's not too late for them to repent.

My heart aches for the people in my life that I care about that don't know Christ as the Risen Savior, that died for them. I become afraid to talk about him, ask them how are their lives without him? Why are they afraid to know him? I wish I had the guts to ask these questions and I simply don't. I pray for my mom to be saved. I pray for my ex-boyfriend to be saved. And there's so much that I'll never be able to understand and that constant "what if?''

This past week I"ve been struggling to find my validation in Christ. It was so easy for me to rip my ex to shreds over the lies and deception that he put up a good front on. Then I realized that I was equally guilty in my part. Thinking that a man can complete me especially one who doesn't belong to Christ. I really wanted him to come to Christ. Now it's only afterwards I realize that I did nothing that was an example of Christ living in me. It's so funny (I only think it's funny, I'm chuckling but it's not really funny but the thought is, oh nevermind) so much I thought I wasn't liked because of my skin color, going to school, working, that I was always doing too much, that I"m doing too much and somewhere along that line, it pushed him away. I loved too much, relaxed too much, depended on him too much, I gave too much and too soon. This is something I simply believe, that I'm "too much". I invite with my beauty thinking I'm the hot stuff when I want to be and saying "back off" at the same time. I really don't know who I am has a woman right now and all my defenses are crashing down. I don't know how I'm going to find my worth and my validation in Christ but He's the only one that can fix this very very broken woman. I've never been good with complements, I don't mind giving them to others but I don't like receiving them. Why? I don't know, I guess it's my fear that for small glimpse of a second, my guard will come down and who I am as a woman will be revealed. Or I don't believe it. It's one thing to know that you're hot but it's another thing to believe you're beautiful. I can't get my affirmation of being beautiful from my mom, I can't get that from others even though I think they're absolutely beautiful. So it looks like my only option is to get it from God. The Great Almighty God of this Universe, can fix this broken girl?

Yeah, that's what he said: Jeremiah 32:27 (English Standard Version)
"Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?" I realize now that I hurt him when I said in my heart, 'that no you can't fix my broken heart. You can't heal all the pain, all the hurtful words, memories. I'm not of worth to anyone, not even to you. I'm too much" All these I've said to him because I don't think I'm worthy to be healed and I'm too much.

Then he says to me:
Isaiah 43:4 - "Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you,I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life."

Matthew 10: 31- "Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Psalms 139: 16- "Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your(U) book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

There's so much uncertainty in my life and I don't know which way to go. Times I just want to run away and keep running but the pain's still there. Hoping for something different to happen everyday but after a while it all feels the same. Reading those verses just now, really comforted me.

Romans 8:1-2 - "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."

Phillippians 1: 6- Philippians 1:6 (English Standard Version)
"And I am sure of this, that he who begana good work in youwill bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

To be continued...

Validation

It's been a long time since I have posted anything here. A lot has happened over the last couple of months. I could spend hours retracing everything and the Lord's goodness but I don't have such luxuries presently, but that doesn't mean that I haven't forgotten what I've been through. I'll just try to focus on what I'm currently going through, hopefully to just shoot off some steam and clear my thoughts.

I've been reading a book called "Captivating," and presently for the first time in my life, I'm not seeking out the love of my life. It's funny I thought about that the other day, "the love of my life." Wait a minute, a man is not supposed to be the love of my life, Jesus is. Yeah that slapped me in the face. All these love cliches that I've had, I just realize how much those belonged to the Lord and not seeking from a guy. I read that same book,"Captivating," this morning on BART and I definitely felt my being close up, just backing off from the idea of opening myself, becoming vulnerable. I really didn't want to be vulnerable, I don't feel capable of being loved, I think that I'm too much, that such a thing as a blessed union between a man and woman, the way GOD designed it to me. That couldn't possibly happen to me. I went down that road once before and it didn't end well. I don't think I have the energy or the emotional capacity to set myself up for that again. And yet I seek out validation from guys when I can only get my validation from Christ. This validation thing I sought from my ex, which I'm realizing now. The more and more I read about romance and relationships and know now what's really the driving force behind whether or not they work, it honestly scares me.

I think I've become comfortable to being by myself, not wanting anyone to get close. At least I'm very grateful now that I can have friendships, true friendships with girls whereas before, I used to think all girls despised me and mainly I never had many to begin with. I love the friendships that I have with my sisters in Christ. The guy's version of Captivating is called "Wild at Heart," but that's how I feel. I feel like a wild spirit, I feel like I'm not just one single element that comes to mind and it's like yup, that's Kay. Nope, I don't fit that category. I've never been the one to keep my feelings to myself, certain thoughts for sure, yes but I can't keep things in. Strangely still when I vent my feelings, hurts and frustrations, the wound is still there.


There's a lot I don't understand and half the time I just feel like I"m not cut out, I can't do this. It's so hard to be a Christian but the Lord brings me to the realization and my pride that I struggle with because I tell myself that I"m not worthy even before the Lord. I don't realize that I hurt him when I say that in my heart. That the great God of this universe, who says there's nothing too hard for him and I say that I'm of no worth when He's the one that redeemed me. So why do I feel unworthy? The Lord truly knows the answer to this one. I could say that the things that I'm seeking to validate my worth in, to make me complete are all outside of the fact that God alone is the one that can and is able to perfect me on the day His Son returns.

I guess I think about what people think about me or what they're thinking but not really saying. I have definitely noticed that I have withdrawn my vulnerability for fears that I'm going to get burned. That I won't be cherished or treasured. In fact that's how I"m supposed to be that way with the Lord and I mess this up all the time and never get it right. I always say, "if only this were...if only that were..." but that never solves anything because the wound is still there deep down inside.

It seems that I have much of a very broken heart that's in need of healing. I feel like I'll never attract a solid mate or how would I even know if the one the Lord puts in front of me, will I actually submit. Those things are so hard for me to see even though my flesh longs for that, but not my Spirit. This thing these two war over. I don't know how this validation thing is going to work out for me but it is what I need. I don't know if this will happen overnight or will it take five years. But yeah, I'm not depressed or anything, I just have some issues with acceptance and whatever worth that is in me.

The Lord is MY Shepherd Psalms 23

Time after time when I've passed you by.
Traveling down my own road,
Not taking heed to your direction;
Just being my own guide.

I've traveled many destination;
Forgetting that my true destination,
Was to head home to you.

Many times, I had to stop and change the tires,
so that I could quick be on my way.
Once I got to where I thought I was going,
I asked myself, was I really there?

All the while, you called me to you.
Believing in my own strength,
I ran from you.

I wanted to run away from it all,
And give up all hope in you.
Trying to please others,
And at the same time, wanting nothing to do with anyone.

Try and try as I may,
Only because of your unfailing and undying love.
I knew I needed to turn around.

I'd look in the mirror,
BUt was I really there.
I think I went on lockdown,
Lost in my own free space.
Have I found what I was looking for?
No not really,
I still haven't found me.

Someone else has,
And He has all the answers that I need to do.
I was so foolish and so blind,
Not putting my trust in Him and Him alone.

Putting our faith and trust in humanity;
In the end it all will vanish away.
Then I wonder when it all comes to an end,
I wish I'd known.

The joy that I seek in my life,
I can't supply it for myself,
only He can.

I've acknowledge His presence,
But I haven't given Him his praise.
I'm just the wandering sheep.
Slowly baited, desparately trying not to wave off course.

I've seen places and many faces that deny the LORD.
At this point, I feel blessed knowing what I know.
I'm thankful that I was blessed with the heart that accepted Christ.

I"m no perfect human being and I've got a ton of work to do,
To be where God wants me to be.
The great thing is knowing that I can put my faith and trust,
In HIm because He already has it all laid out for me.

The conception of my birth, was the greatest blessing of my being.
Getting caught up in the frailties of the world,
Only leads one to despair.

People are who they really are.
I fear no one, don't wish anything on anyone.
Whatever you do, you deal with GOD.

I gave up all the things that I thought would make me happy.
I can't please another soul,
Especially if I can only temporarily please myself without wanting more.
As human beings we always want more
But only our hope lies in Jesus,
Nothing can quench the desires of who we are.

I'm just a sheep, we all are sheep.
Everything in this life will past away.
Those who put their faith in material things,
Those who put their faith in religion,
But still have no clue who God really is.

God is a very forgiving God.
I can't understand half the time,
A God so mighty and powerful,
Loves so dearly and tenderly at the same time.

When I turn my mind off and tune the world out,
Be still and realize that He's with me,
Nothing or no man can break that bond.

I"ve traveled down many roads,
Busted cars, busted engines,
Busted tires, sometimes walking with my own two feet.

Some places I should've ran away from and never went there.
Soem places, I needed to be there.
At the end when it comes down to it.
God said Love Him first, Love others second.

May His Love, Peace, Spirit, and Truth rest deep in your heart.
If you've forgotten who He is,
He's not hard to find,
He's standing right with you.

My life is not mine,
I was bought with a price.
Blood was shed for my soul.
Our God is an awesome God who reigns in Heaven and Earth.

I am not ashamed,
Nor should any of His children be.
Man accepts no excuses.
God forgives and only He alone heals.

Love the LORD always,
His burden is light.
And all I have to say is that,
I'm not spending my eternity in Hell.

I'm waiting for that Homecoming Day,
When Jesus comes back and takes His children home.



glitter-graphics.com