Release - End of 2008

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I've come a long way since the start of 2008. Though I did not like the outcome, I am grateful to still be alive when so many others have lost theirs. I have learned that, as human beings, it's hard to trust others, and sometimes God to let things go. Knowing that we've truly moved on; when you've experienced something that hurts you so bad and you just can't understand why it had to happen to you. When you do find the answer, it's hard to accept it though you wish that things could've turned out another way.

I have survived, I'm trying to find my smile again, I definitely want to and I'm getting there. I'm hoping that romance and a lasting relationship would find me though it is not something that I'm seeking or in need of, a girl can only be independent for so long until she realizes that sometime valuable is missing. But no man can love me the way God loves me and if my heart is not right with him, my heart is not ready for another man though that's something that I want.

I was very numb in 2008 and sought ways to find out if I was still alive. I was walking but did not know if I was getting anywhere, better yet, just walking in circles. I saw but only saw clouds in front of me. I made decisions but couldn't really think on my own. I struggled and fought to find me in 2008, only to realize how much pain and hurt had indwelled inside me. I just had this need to scream, to lash out at everyone that ever hurt me. As RED's song Fight Inside made me realize how huge a fight I was fighting with myself. I can see that part of me now and it takes great self-control to have this side of me released. Now I know how the kindest person in the world can become the most heinous man within that space of time.

The world is filled with too much violence, wickedness and moral degradation. How do you fight a fight like this? Where is my faith? I overthink something and give myself too much credit when it's not mine to give. No man should ever be alone by himself for too long. He loses himself when he's alone and the evil inside takes over him. There's no community, I still haven't found my place where I belong and what I think I've found, do I really want it or can it really satisfy me? I want and want, thinking that materialistic endeavours could bring me joy. Without any money, how do you get the confidence and say I would like to help someone, how do I give back? My faith fell by the wayside in 2008 but was tested at the same time. I know that I'm angry. As much as I hate being alone, I would love to be near an ocean or mountain side, in that moment to walk with God and truly say what I really feel. I'm saying what's on my mind but I don't even know if I'm really talking. I need a release, I need to let go. I do know now that I'm definitely not alone that I'm also not in this alone. Whether I want the help or not is another question I have to face. I want to let go and I need to be let go because one more person tries to hold me back, by God' s grace I hope I don't lose my temper. I know what my voice sounds like.

I'm not a fool, I'm not stupid, I can see through the lies but you can't blind me with your deception. I know the meaning of true respect, I know the meaning of character, I know the meaning of imperfection but we try to be perfect as we will never be in an imperfect world. I am not angry, I am irritated and very much irked that I can't release, that these thoughts still plague me. I am a survivor somehow I know harder battles will come and that I'll have to accept and face when the time comes. I wish in this moment as if I were leaning against a cold wall with my arm folded that all those who hate me and have a change of heart. The ones filled with jealousy, who judge my imperfect being. I would like you to look into my eyes and see my struggle, see the love that I give but hasn't been returned to me. When you look at my beauty you see the imperfection in you. I am not like you, I don't have your DNA, I don't have your personality, I am not you. I give freely but what value of respect do you truly give me. That goes to everyone who does not value the people in their life. Respect is a two-way street because if we truly respected who we care or pretend to care about, we would not treat them as we do and we would strive for the same.

No man is an island, no man stands alone. I came from an island but I still haven't been able to become a true American. We are from two separate worlds, I wear your fashions, I read your history, I travel your destinations, and I work for your country. Still you do not know who I am nor do you care to. I can't do for you what I can't do for myself. To you, I'm temporary gratification, when the next best thing comes along, you throw me to the waist side. You bend, break, and bruise me but you can't destroy me.

For 2009 it is my goal to make my smile light up a room. My hair will be even bigger and spirit shine brighter. I will strive to become a better woman and no longer a little girl. You will not take me for granted, you will respect me. I will defend my honor and you will not take it from me. I will love again, I will make new friends. I will inspire others and do the best I can. I will find my niche, I will blossom and I will shine and laugh more. I will talk louder and I will not be afraid and I will take better care of my health, maybe even have a family with a blessing from the Lord. But most importantly, the most important goal I have for 2009 is bonding with God as I've never done before. It is my hope to all that we not get caught up in the ills of the world and what is out of our control, but with what talents and gifts we have, bless others.

Spiritual Rehab

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A year ago I was the most miserable person I knew. My self confidence was so low that I was ready to give up on my life and not deal with things anymore. It was a hard year and still I felt as if no one gave a care about me. I had a lot of anger inside as I felt that I was always being taken for granted. Guys never cared, I don't even know why they even bothered wasting their time. Being pissed off my ex really got me nowhere but I guess this year I started seeing people for who they really were. As much as I hated being alone, I know that there was a reason for it. I'm still angry, not really angry, mainly more frustrated and gravely annoyed. Tired of the negativity but I can't even seem to find my own happiness. I'm locked up in this prison cell called San Francisco and I can't wait until I finally get out. My mother tells me to stay and hang in there a little while. I can't fight this battle anymore and it's only a matter of time if I stayed here, I will lose so much of myself, there won't be anything left of me. Loneliness will drive you to despair and I'll try not to think about it too much else tears will start to fall down. Sometimes I feel like I'm better off if no one did give a crap about me, then no one would have anything to say about me. My head has always been in the clouds and growing up, I've always been alone. This I've learned to deal with as many others just don't know how to survive this part being alone.


I've been tackling all the issues that have been confronting me but many of these I cannot get an answer to, many of these are out of my control. I looked out my window a couple days ago and then I realized that I really have lived my life alone. I guess I've deserted everyone and hide off in my own place. I'm definitely detached from the world. I really don't have any family ties nor do I have friendly ties so I can tell you this much that if my life turns around and all this stuff starts happening to me and my life starts to come alive or something like that, make sure to pinch me because I'll seriously think that I"m dreaming. Have you ever met a Christian who was depressed. We're supposed to be happy because Jesus is so awesome. He is awesome without a doubt but I tell you how I know that I have a relationship with him and that He is for real. Well let's just say he likes to do these little things where he stops you in your tracks and sits you down and really makes you think about what is really going on with you.

I haven't gone to church since who knows when. I'm in hiding, it's not that I'm afraid to deal with stuff, I don't like my environment. When I'm not working, or I don't have to be in school until a later time, I'm in my bed, that's my sacred place, my safety place and man many conversations and tears I've shed with God on that bed. Many dreams about my future, many questions of "why" I ask my Savior and all this time, He's been piecing me back together. I think once you've had your heartbroken over something or someone you love. Me being me, I know that I'll never go back to that place again. I love sportbikes but I'm still terrified to ride one after the experience I went through but I still love them. Unfortunately that's not the case with me and love, I guess I'm going through spiritual rehab and I don't think I'm fully healed yet.

People always want to see me stumble, they always want to see me fall. When a major part of you is lost or you've hit the ground, you'd be surprised what really has an effect on you. For me, maybe I do have the patience of a saint or simply my thoughts of this world don't mean a thing to me. When you're detached from an environment, you walk around like an empty soul, just watching, observing, hoping, waiting, waiting for that call to action. I've been keenly aware of what is going on around me and I'm not happy about it. Nothing on this planet can sustain me only Christ can. I'm getting better at reading my Bible and I'm very surprised that I've been able to be as celibit as long as I have.

I really don't trust guys and I really don't trust people, maybe I don't trust me. Hmm if I had to ask myself this question, how much do I think I'm worth? I tell you this much, if Jesus had to give his life for me, that says a lot. Also if I fought to stay alive in my mother's womb, for what reason I really don't have a clue and still have yet to figure out. I've traveled three-quarters of the way around the globe, so that's gotta count for something. I'm a fighter, it's in my nature. You can doubt me all you want but I've seen enough adversity in my life to where my issues, I deal with them with God and I do the best I can to live by his rules. Yup I can live alone and survive on my own. I'm very adaptable and there's only one of me. This year I have found a depth to my character that even startles me and I know when the confident woman inside me, I'm even scared my own self. I'm still a kid though and I still got lots to learn and I'm ready for it.

So about the ex, I'm really annoyed of the character and front that he put on for me. I love his family, they're awesome but wow, the man I fell for and that is why I am not going down that road again, no way no sir, that love thing is not for me. I'll just sing songs and praises to God all day, Jesus will be happy and my heart will be happy. You try to please a man and he sends you to hell and takes everything from you. Marriage, sounds nice, I mean I don't think I'll ever get married, ask me this question in another year and then see how I feel. I think I'd much rather get the puffiest and biggest wedding dress and just walk around in the thing and feel like a princess all day and wear riding shoes underneath it, that's totally cool with me. Now if I had a million bucks, well in this day and age, I'd need more than a million bucks but let's just say if I could have all the money that I want, what would I do with itL

First I"d pay off all my debts and my mom's and my brother's and my mom's best friend. Then I'd buy myself a sweet looking house near the beach. I'd keep my day job because I gotta pay for utilities and yard upkeep and all that stuff. Then I'd be myself a car, a fast one and a reliable one and a tour bus, why the tour bus because I'm going to open up an orphanage and adopt a ton of kids and learn all aspects of the arts and open my own business and learn a lot about business management and be a stay at home and homeschool my kids. And I'd also have my teaching credentials. Yessir, I'd be a full time mom and totally loving my life and staying active and show my kids what the world has to offer. If I had all this, I'd have no need for a husband because I am not about to try to impress some dude because he wants to be visually stimulated seeing his wife in steamy lingerie, don't get me started on that. Marriage is not for me but damn what girl wouldn't want to come home to a gorgeous man (in her eyes whom she finds handsome). Well if there is such a thing as a very handsome Christian man in my eyes that loved God, I"m not shallow and I'm not judgemental with guys, I said he had to be handsome in my eyes. What I've learned too, he may be handsome to you but not what you need. I don't need a man. What I need is a dog and a vacation and a car, who knows what I need, I don't know what I need. I need a life makeover. Sometimes I feel like I'm bi-polar but i'm not, I'm just pissed off and annoyed half the time. I have a very complex personality which is why I can adapt to anything but I find that people don't like you when you've got big dreams and you don't their support to do whatever you want. I don't want to be independent all the time but who knows I"m still young, I still got some time to before I have to become unjaded. But for right now I"m just piecing me back together and the happy parts of me, sorry but they're staying hidden because there's too many evil people out there who really want to see me fall and if I do, I still got my moon boot then I can really give you a piece of my mind.


my hopes for the future. I don't like to say the word hell or curse for that matter only when I'm pissed. So here's my hopes for the future, to hell with all this negativity in my life. To hell with all the struggles, to hell with San Francisco, to hell with loneliness. To hell with not having joy in my life. what do I want for the future, I want a lot of stuff so right now I"m just going to keep them between me and God and don't think I'm bluffing, I"m just not sharing what I want. Anyways I already told you up there but I do hope I get to ride a sportbike again because I don't want my riding gear wearing out on me. I'll be leaving San Francisco and I couldn't be more overjoyed and I really hope I get to find a place and own my first car, I'll write again about learning how to drive all over again. That's going to be fun I hope. That's it for now, my head hurts cause my brain is thinking way too hard. I guess I'll be happy one day and enjoying life the way I should, so until next time, peace.

what not to do when you're drunk

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okay first off, I don' know what you should do but I thought this would be funny. It's quite cool that i can type this fast and know what i'm actually talking about. how come my ex doesn't call me. it's crazy how really fast he's gotten over me but it's taken me about a year to do the same and i'm still not over the guy. i guess different strokes for different folks. i get no love around here, nobody loves me. I just finished watching Heroes and it was really cool. I drank about six, seven, who knows how many glasses of wine I've had but it was really good and i'm staring out my window and all i see are street lights. it's something like almost 2:30 in the morning but who cares. I have nothing sweet to dream about. nobody cares, and nobody loves. i'm tempted to drunk dial people and say I'm sorry but might just be really shallow and i'm not ready to get b**tched out my current girlfriend but hey it wasn't my fault for being pushed to the side.

Wow, a black woman can't get nowhere in this world, well maybe America really. I love white guys and all but damn, why's it gotta be so hard to just find one that likes you for you. it would be nice to have the companionship but the way i see things, i'll probably be staring out my window as we speak trying to figure out how not to make my head start spinning. i must say that NOrcal has the best wine because i've had about six to seven, who knows and i have no single clue what i'm talking about. i used to leave these messages on my myspace but i see no purpose in using that site anymore. i'm not going to bed though i should be studying, wow i'm such a procrastinator, that's so bad but heh, i'm feeling blah and lost in the clouds. i'd like to hide in the clouds, at least i'd feel safe. if i really wanted to, I could just jump out of my window and probably not feel a thing, well maybe cold hair. i've had some suicidal thoughts and trust me they are not over my ex. the guy hurt me sure enough but not that bad and i have every right to deal with it how i see fit so there. all those flicrking lights and no stars int eh sky. there's no love on this earth, i miss my momm and my brother. i'm sure that he could knock some sense into me but right now as we speak, i'm staring out this window and i see no life. i dont feel loved or tresured,i never did so why should i feel that such hopes exists for me.

i'll probably go watch another movie but i do feel a bit tired. it's close to three but not there yet and yes i am bored. and yes i am drunk, so it's one of those drunken blgos but whatever who cares. i'm here by myself sometimes i wish i weren't alive but i like my life enough where i don't wanna die. i'd like to meet jesus but i'm scared of death anyway. life's a double edge sword, i don't belong but i'm already here and i have no aspiration of trying to fit in when i know this is not my home. you know i'd be much more better off if i wasn't born, one less person to think about, one less life to be affected by. i can say i find little in my self worth but i live in a country where such things mean nothing and i definitely don't belong. lies and lies and more lies are all i see, i fall to my feet and try to retreat. no one helps, no one saves, no one cares and no one shares. no one loves and i've lost my hope, no one holds my hands and no one is there to guide me home. who cares about what i've written, to you it's all a joke.


where were you when i cried those tears, i cried so hard and yet you didn't hold me. i laid next to you hoping you'd turn to hold me but you fell asleep and i sat in that chair and it held my tears. nobody cares for me because my skin tone is black, i'll never be good enough. i can never make you see how much i truly cared for you. i loved you so much, i gave my world for you. i was never good enough and you never saw the best in me, i don't know how you can affect me this much but i loved you so. i'll love you forever, i'll not deny it to myself, i wish so many times that you were here. you were my best friend and you would've stand up for me. but now you don't know who i am and nobody cares. daddy left and mom can only do so much. i don't love me because i see no worth in me. i couldn't keep you by my side, you felt safe in her arms and now she holds your heart. i would've given you all i could, love you for life, i once wished that i was your wife but she's yours now and that i'll try to justify. you don't call, you don't say hello, you laugh in your heart and cast me to the side. i meant nothing to you as i don't to anyone. no one sees any beauty in me so why do i bother to cease to exist. i would jump out this window but i'd rather cry because i don't think they'd reach you. i'll never be good enough and true love will never reach me. i can shed all the tears i want and you'll still not end up by my side. i'll love you forever because you mean that much to me. i can't be mad at you because i'll always wish the best for you.

i'm not happy and there's no joy in my life but i can see that you are , i hope some part of you still thinks of me becaue it was really cool that you came into my life. you taught me how to love unselfishly, you taught me how to care and to open my heart. i don't have yo anymore and though you lied to me, i can forgive you because nothing's left of me. you don't say hi, you refuse to recognize that i exist, i'm sorry i'm just not over you. she can bitch me out, she can do whatever she wants but it's my right to still have feelings for you. i'm not asian, i'm not her, i'm only one being who myself feels cast out by human kind. my strength as fallen and i am very weak. i don't know i am, i've lost me since you left me. i left because you broke my heart. i would hug you just to say that i miss you love, i would hug you and tell you how much i missed my best friend. i can't change being black and i can't change that a part of me will always love you. no matter how many woman you've been with, i'll always wish you safe and wish you joy. i miss your kisses and i miss your smile. i can say these things because it's my right and it's my free will. you've affected me in a way and i can't get over you. i'll miss you forever and i'll wonder how you're doing. i am glad that you are happy but i wonder, do you ever think about me, why would you? i was a slob and i brought nothing to your life, you thought i gave you an STD when you refused to put your trust in me. you broke me down because i wanted to have success in life. you pretended to love me, why would you play me for a fool? i cried so many nights when all the while she was the one that your heart called out to. i should've known, i should've let you go, you were the first that i wanted to hold onto. i didn't love you because you were so beautiful, i loved you because i thought i had a friend in you. i took my painting back because i held no worth in you, i wanted to be done with you because you threw me away. now here i am, almost a year later and i'm not over you. how do you sleep at night and not see me in your dreams, how can you hide from me when i myself try not to think of you. if you were hurt, i would cry, i loved you so much, i never thought i could do this part of me. you have showed that met that i'm not worthy that i should become like the rest of the world, why did you waste your time with me or was it really she in place of me, that you gave your heart to because you couldn't stand up for me? you never call or say hello but i always wonder if you are okay, i'm glad that your'e happy that you're okay.

i'm not happy and i'm not okay, i've never been the same since you went away. i can forgive you, i'm ready to move on, i don't want a trail of rail cars behind me but you have been the heaviest burden that i have to bear. i'll always vent about you because you treated me this way. i was never good enough for you and now i see no worth in me. call this your pity story, call it whatever you want. you did this to me now i'm calling you for it. have your girlfriend, the one you kept on the side, i knew about her, ever since thanksgiving, all you wanted me to do, was be out of your life. you thought you had me fool, how could you do this to me, how could you treat me so cold when i gave all i could to you. because i have a dream, what does my social status have to do with anything, just because i came here to this country to make something of myself, your family saw that i wasn't good enough for you. you let that guide your actions, wow Tom, how could you let that come between me and you. i don't know how you've affected me more than anyone else could. i'll never be the same without you, times i wish you'd hold me in your arms, times i wished if you ever or even cared for me. it's three o'clock the witching hour, i guess i should try to go to bed and rest my head. so many questions so few little answers. i'll call you out forever and try to figure out why you did so cold, again nobody listens and nobody cares to find out why i'm all alone and nobody's there. when i hurt my foot or break my stride, i'm the only one that has to carry me through to the next ride. nobody listens and nobody feels my life, there's no place for me here so why am i still here. sometimes i want to be in that special home where's God love will carryy me home. where my tears will cease and burdens will fall on his arms, when i can sleep at night and peace is in my sight. so yeah i've realized, what's the point in caring when it gets your nowhere, all you feel is more hurts and more pains for you to bear.