Thursday, July 28, 2011
Friday, September 25, 2009
Growth
It is so easy to forget where the Lord has brought us. I just got done reading a book called, "If Men are Like Buses, Then How Do I Catch One? by Megan McKinney Hammond. Don't let the title fool you, that is one of the best books I've ever read. Filled with so many insights and makes you say , "oh, I've never heard it put that way before." The first chapter of this book I didn't want to go on, she just had to cut deep into the heart. That was the Holy spirit convicting me by the way. I cried the first two nights I read this book and put it down for a week because I didn't want to read anymore of it. Unfortunately I definitely needed to read it. I'd give a full on book review, but that's not the main focus of this post but that book helped a lot. What did I apply to my life after reading this book?
*Developing Joseph's attitude of being gracious and having a joyful no matter what the circumstance. When I first discovered that I'd developed a tooth infection and I was miserable and in pains for hours with no sleep. I could've been a grouch to everyone and so I asked the Lord, how can I still find my joy in you even though I'm feeling horrible right now? Sure enough he answered my prayer request and blessed me that day seeing His Holy Spirit kick me into high gear and His Sovereign hand working on my behalf.
The Great God of this Universe, working on my behalf, for my good. What was so amazing about going through my oral surgery trial was the sudden arrival of it and the Lord asking me, you have finally given up your life to me. Mind you, I'd committed to my soul to Christ but I didn't realize that I was not giving Him full control of my life. I still wanted to be Miss Independent and make it on my own. When I realized that it was becoming harder and harder for me to live in the Bay Area, I finally got hit on the head. Uh Kay, do you realize that you have given the Lord 100% control of your life. It was painful coming to that conclusion and I had to turn it over to Him. My life is not mine, He already purchased it for me. I'd forgotten that and tried to make it on my own. I was definitely wasting it and making a huge mess out of it.
After confessing my sins and there was a lot of sins to be confessed and me crying like a baby. What's so awesome is that the Lord just pulled me even closer to Him and I just saw His Love going deeper and deeper and leaving me in complete awe. He does that to me like that. He totally leaves me speechless especially when it's the little things where I just stop in my tracks and I'm like wait wait wait, that was you Lord. Oh yeah, it's awesome when He moves like that in my life. I really do have the best Dad ever.
Back to my oral surgery which taught me that I really can lay anything at His feet no matter how big or small the worry is. When the infection set in, I knew in my heart that the Lord was going to do something with this trial. He'd ask me, Kadeesha you've just confess to me that you haven't given me full control of your life and now that you have. This affliction that I'm going to bring upon you, do you trust me to be in control of this one and I said yes, I do trust you. Wow and double WOW is all I have to say at the way the Lord worked in my life. For me because I like to daydream and work in my mind. I know when it's the Lord because He always moves suddenly in my life that again stops me in my tracks and I know that it's Him moving. What was so cool about discovering about my infection was that this was the first time that in faith I allowed the Spirit to move me. The Lord usually brings things into my life, this time I was the one He set in motion. The results of His Hand, total awesomeness. Yeah My God is an Awesome God. The crazy part is I never expected the outcome to be what it turned out to be.
Which leads me to the title of this post, Growth. I've grown so much and it's funny that what I've been able to learn. I would not have been able to see the depth of God's love had it not been for the trials that He's put me under. The crazy thing about going through trials is realizing how free I am in Christ and able to enjoy Him when I give everything over to him. Then I get totally shocked and completely humbled at the same time that such a Great Almighty God would sacrifice His Son for this girl, for me? I asked him, how are you able to love like you and just in complete awe and seeing how small I am compared to an infinite all loving God. I'm speechless and just sitting at his feet like a little girl just admiring Him. You know when a baby just gazes at its mother to figure out who is this awesome woman that gave birth to me. Yeah, that's how I feel when I'm in the presence of my Father.
This growth and perception of the depth of His Love has made me ever more aware of His Holy Spirit. At one point, I was kinda like who is this Holy Spirit. He's real and works by the way because a lot of things that I get tired of, I'm like oh wait a minute, I didn't do that. Oh yeah, the Spirit did that. I was just thinking about this the other day. I can't believe that I have no desire to go out and find enjoyment in the clubs, no desire for it at all. I've gotten rid of my fanciful stories and romance novels, I'm dressing appropriately for work and loving being modest and being comfortable in my skin. The music that I listen to, being there for my friends when they need me. And when I don't feel comfortable about something or it's annoying me, I come to a point and stop and try to figure out, is the Spirit convicting me. My prayer requests have become so much deeper than just a simple requests but deep heart changing, shaping, molding requests. The Lord has blessed me to become even more sensitive to His Spirit. The coolest part of this is that I'm totally happy in Christ, the most awesome fiancee by the way. I haven't had a desire for a boyfriend in a very very long time or intimacy from a man. And when I see that desire creeping up, I realize that the Enemy is attacking me.
One of my biggest fears when I realized that I needed to stop dating unbelieving men, was that I'd never be able to date a Christian guy. I've never done it before and I figured I'd fail miserably because I'd failed horrendously with non-Christian guys and the deep hard wounds that I had to bear. Praises the Most High because He worked on my heart this summer and opened up my eyes and my heart to see my brothers in Christ as reflections of Him and not the world and what the lust of my eyes wants to see. That is such a huge blessing that the Lord made come true for me that I would've forgotten had he not made me remember.
Psalms 119: 37 - "Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things, and give me life in your ways." I pray this verse as a request daily to cease striving after love, marriage, children, which I still struggle with but these desires don't rule me.
What's been so amazing for me as I've noticed it the past couple of days and just made me even in more of the Lord. I was like, Lord you make each of one of us so uniquely different and yet it all works for Christ and your glory. That totally mind-boggles me. True Christians are the only ones that really get along despite our differences in the way the Lord intricately woven us because He is the fabric, thread that holds us together. It's so awesome. Another way the Lord just blows my mind. Such knowledge like this is too high for me and He says this.
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55: 8-9
He reveals himself to me in those small little ways and I'm just like whoa God you are so cool. I tell you I don't know much about theology. I couldn't debate theological discussions, that's not my thing unless the Lord does something about that. But I'm an observer, I like details, I'm visual, I like taking pictures with my eyes and staring at the real thing. Because I'm looking at God, totally loving his creation but loving my Creator even more.
God's love is deeper than any ocean, haha this just brought up Phil Wickham's song "Jesus Lord of Heaven," off his Cannons CD. He says in a line that Jesus's love is deeper than any ocean. Okay not only do I have a God so Awesome that loves me, I have Jesus that loves me too and makes intercession. My Lord and High Priest calls me his friend. I'm Jesus's friend and I'm being perfected in him. I will definitely have to say that it quite an election, to be chosen by God and be his friend and loved by Jesus and Comforted by His Spirit. And all of this is free by the way. I didn't earn it.
The more I go through trials I'm not as afraid or scared. Romans 8: 18-39(ESV) says:
Future Glory
18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
19
The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.
20
For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope
21
that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
22
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.
23
Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?
25
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
More Than Conquerors
28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
29
For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
30
And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?
32
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
33
Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.
34
Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.
35
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
36
As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
37
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
38
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
39
neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
The more I realize the treasure that is Christ the more I'm being molded and becoming more like him and dying to myself. Praises to the Holy Triune God. I am getting sleepy I will update later and get some rest now. Resting in the Sovereign Grace of God I give thanks for life and would see fit to choose me for his kingdom, wow, what an amazing gift of salvation and love and mercy. God is soo good.
*Developing Joseph's attitude of being gracious and having a joyful no matter what the circumstance. When I first discovered that I'd developed a tooth infection and I was miserable and in pains for hours with no sleep. I could've been a grouch to everyone and so I asked the Lord, how can I still find my joy in you even though I'm feeling horrible right now? Sure enough he answered my prayer request and blessed me that day seeing His Holy Spirit kick me into high gear and His Sovereign hand working on my behalf.
The Great God of this Universe, working on my behalf, for my good. What was so amazing about going through my oral surgery trial was the sudden arrival of it and the Lord asking me, you have finally given up your life to me. Mind you, I'd committed to my soul to Christ but I didn't realize that I was not giving Him full control of my life. I still wanted to be Miss Independent and make it on my own. When I realized that it was becoming harder and harder for me to live in the Bay Area, I finally got hit on the head. Uh Kay, do you realize that you have given the Lord 100% control of your life. It was painful coming to that conclusion and I had to turn it over to Him. My life is not mine, He already purchased it for me. I'd forgotten that and tried to make it on my own. I was definitely wasting it and making a huge mess out of it.
After confessing my sins and there was a lot of sins to be confessed and me crying like a baby. What's so awesome is that the Lord just pulled me even closer to Him and I just saw His Love going deeper and deeper and leaving me in complete awe. He does that to me like that. He totally leaves me speechless especially when it's the little things where I just stop in my tracks and I'm like wait wait wait, that was you Lord. Oh yeah, it's awesome when He moves like that in my life. I really do have the best Dad ever.
Back to my oral surgery which taught me that I really can lay anything at His feet no matter how big or small the worry is. When the infection set in, I knew in my heart that the Lord was going to do something with this trial. He'd ask me, Kadeesha you've just confess to me that you haven't given me full control of your life and now that you have. This affliction that I'm going to bring upon you, do you trust me to be in control of this one and I said yes, I do trust you. Wow and double WOW is all I have to say at the way the Lord worked in my life. For me because I like to daydream and work in my mind. I know when it's the Lord because He always moves suddenly in my life that again stops me in my tracks and I know that it's Him moving. What was so cool about discovering about my infection was that this was the first time that in faith I allowed the Spirit to move me. The Lord usually brings things into my life, this time I was the one He set in motion. The results of His Hand, total awesomeness. Yeah My God is an Awesome God. The crazy part is I never expected the outcome to be what it turned out to be.
Which leads me to the title of this post, Growth. I've grown so much and it's funny that what I've been able to learn. I would not have been able to see the depth of God's love had it not been for the trials that He's put me under. The crazy thing about going through trials is realizing how free I am in Christ and able to enjoy Him when I give everything over to him. Then I get totally shocked and completely humbled at the same time that such a Great Almighty God would sacrifice His Son for this girl, for me? I asked him, how are you able to love like you and just in complete awe and seeing how small I am compared to an infinite all loving God. I'm speechless and just sitting at his feet like a little girl just admiring Him. You know when a baby just gazes at its mother to figure out who is this awesome woman that gave birth to me. Yeah, that's how I feel when I'm in the presence of my Father.
This growth and perception of the depth of His Love has made me ever more aware of His Holy Spirit. At one point, I was kinda like who is this Holy Spirit. He's real and works by the way because a lot of things that I get tired of, I'm like oh wait a minute, I didn't do that. Oh yeah, the Spirit did that. I was just thinking about this the other day. I can't believe that I have no desire to go out and find enjoyment in the clubs, no desire for it at all. I've gotten rid of my fanciful stories and romance novels, I'm dressing appropriately for work and loving being modest and being comfortable in my skin. The music that I listen to, being there for my friends when they need me. And when I don't feel comfortable about something or it's annoying me, I come to a point and stop and try to figure out, is the Spirit convicting me. My prayer requests have become so much deeper than just a simple requests but deep heart changing, shaping, molding requests. The Lord has blessed me to become even more sensitive to His Spirit. The coolest part of this is that I'm totally happy in Christ, the most awesome fiancee by the way. I haven't had a desire for a boyfriend in a very very long time or intimacy from a man. And when I see that desire creeping up, I realize that the Enemy is attacking me.
One of my biggest fears when I realized that I needed to stop dating unbelieving men, was that I'd never be able to date a Christian guy. I've never done it before and I figured I'd fail miserably because I'd failed horrendously with non-Christian guys and the deep hard wounds that I had to bear. Praises the Most High because He worked on my heart this summer and opened up my eyes and my heart to see my brothers in Christ as reflections of Him and not the world and what the lust of my eyes wants to see. That is such a huge blessing that the Lord made come true for me that I would've forgotten had he not made me remember.
Psalms 119: 37 - "Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things, and give me life in your ways." I pray this verse as a request daily to cease striving after love, marriage, children, which I still struggle with but these desires don't rule me.
What's been so amazing for me as I've noticed it the past couple of days and just made me even in more of the Lord. I was like, Lord you make each of one of us so uniquely different and yet it all works for Christ and your glory. That totally mind-boggles me. True Christians are the only ones that really get along despite our differences in the way the Lord intricately woven us because He is the fabric, thread that holds us together. It's so awesome. Another way the Lord just blows my mind. Such knowledge like this is too high for me and He says this.
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55: 8-9
He reveals himself to me in those small little ways and I'm just like whoa God you are so cool. I tell you I don't know much about theology. I couldn't debate theological discussions, that's not my thing unless the Lord does something about that. But I'm an observer, I like details, I'm visual, I like taking pictures with my eyes and staring at the real thing. Because I'm looking at God, totally loving his creation but loving my Creator even more.
God's love is deeper than any ocean, haha this just brought up Phil Wickham's song "Jesus Lord of Heaven," off his Cannons CD. He says in a line that Jesus's love is deeper than any ocean. Okay not only do I have a God so Awesome that loves me, I have Jesus that loves me too and makes intercession. My Lord and High Priest calls me his friend. I'm Jesus's friend and I'm being perfected in him. I will definitely have to say that it quite an election, to be chosen by God and be his friend and loved by Jesus and Comforted by His Spirit. And all of this is free by the way. I didn't earn it.
The more I go through trials I'm not as afraid or scared. Romans 8: 18-39(ESV) says:
Future Glory
18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
19
The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.
20
For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope
21
that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
22
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.
23
Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?
25
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
More Than Conquerors
28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
29
For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
30
And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?
32
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
33
Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.
34
Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.
35
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
36
As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
37
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
38
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
39
neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
The more I realize the treasure that is Christ the more I'm being molded and becoming more like him and dying to myself. Praises to the Holy Triune God. I am getting sleepy I will update later and get some rest now. Resting in the Sovereign Grace of God I give thanks for life and would see fit to choose me for his kingdom, wow, what an amazing gift of salvation and love and mercy. God is soo good.
God's Sovereignty In My Oral Surgery
~9/10/09~
I needed to get my tooth removed. Immediately what came to my mind was the image of a giant three and half inch long needle trying to find its way down to my gums. I had tried so hard not to think about this during the days leading up to the surgery. I hadn't been resting in God at all, I was distracting myself with all other things except running to my Daddy and finding my comfort there. i can't blame the meds for throwing me off balance but having a painful toothache and not being able to talk so well, didn't make things go smoother either. I realized that I've been having a really bad attitude about my life and work because everything still felt the same. I was growing in my walk but the other messes in my life still seemed to remain and that was really starting to drag me down. I guess I didn't want to listen to God or I didn't really know to. The night before at College Group there was a song which I don't remember the lyrics but all I remember is that it mentioned something about letting the tears come. I needed to cry, I don't like crying, I'm not a crier but I needed to. I'd been holding on to my pride and not finding my rest in the Lord.
That morning before the surgery, I wanted to spend some time in the Word just to hear God comfort me. He spoke to me in a different way afterwards but He really wanted to hear from me. As I began to pray the tears began to flow and I confessed my sins before him. It was such a nice relief to cry before him, I knew His presence was with me because nothing else mattered only me pouring my heart out to him.
On the train ride I didn't realize that I'd make it to San Francisco so early so I went to hang out at work. Yep my co-workers are cool like that, that I can go bug them on my days off and it's still cool. A blessing I find that i do take for granted. The time just ended up flying by so fast and before you know it I was the one racing back to go meet my friend and sister in Christ, Rebekah. It was so cool walking with her and listening as she spoke about the Lord. Nothing else mattered in that moment but being thankful for my friend being there and I too wanted to be there for her and share in the joy that she's experiencing in the Lord. It is always the neatest and completely blows me away and I praise God for this. When I am around my brothers and sisters in Christ, there's a safety, security and peace that resides that I can't describe to you, it's just there and makes it so easy to move about loving one another in Christ. You know I really do underestimate this Holy Spirit person, He's really awesome too.
I got into the doctor's office, I got scared. The nerves were building; and you know what I realized on the drive home. You ever notice how small doctor's offices are especially the dentist's? I realized that too was also contributing to my nervousness. The dental surgeon was a very friendly man. Mind you none of this had anything to do with me, this is where the Lord answered my prayers and once again, moved in ways I never saw it coming and blew me away. The surgeon told me it was a good thing to be afraid and that began to tear down one of my defenses. Deep down I believe the Spirit told me that I could trust this man. I started bawling like a baby after he left the room because I'm expecting him to come back with that giant needle I keep picturing in my mind. I kid you not, he said he was going to put me to sleep. I didn't believe him I thought he was just making a joke. One I couldn't afford it and I didn't know what general sedation was. The nurse secretary lady came in and told me that he was going to put me to sleep, like the one where you're knocked out for a while. I told her that I couldn't afford it and I'd just do the local anesthesia thing. Five minutes later the secretary returns and she says the doctor's not going to charge you. I was in utter shock and disbelief, he wasn't going to charge me for it. The Lord just took $550 off my medical bill, he did that for me. I was so amazed, from that point on I didn't feel so scared about the surgery.
Rebekah had prayed with me before I went in and that helped a lot. Once I was led into surgery, I gotta tell you, these guys took way better care of me than when I was having my ankle surgery. The person in charge of the IV was so kind and so funny and praise the Lord I didn't look at the needle. They spray this cold spray on the vein area, oh it was cold. He was right, if you sprayed enough of it it would hurt because it was so cold. I just felt a little prick and the needle was in. Now taking that hospital tape off hurt more afterwards than the needle going in, those tape things sting. The whole staff just went to work. I can compare it to being like a nascar racecar going into pit lane and the entire pit crew is waiting for you and once you're in. They just immediately seek to your immediate care. How humbling that was to me seeing that staff's willingness to serve. Oh you betcha I was learning about being a servant at work. It is true, sometimes you really just don't know who is watching you and who you will have an impact on or who will have an impact on you. Once the surgeon came in, He administered the IV, dude not even like two seconds the only thing I remember is hearing heart monitors, they had me on heart monitors and then I felt that oxygen thing because they put one up my nose. I was like this is interesting but this is cool. I wasn't afraid anymore. When the anethesia kicked in, all I was one purple tie dye, two red dye prints and I was out.
I woke up and I was like "wha, wha, where am I?" I couldn't move my body but I could hear all the outside conversation. Your brain really doesn't sleep I tell you, I wanted to be a part of the conversation. I was kinda like ah did anyone forget about me. I don't even remember half the stuff I said to the staff after surgery but apparantly my brain still functioned perfectly. I don't even know what time the surgery ended but I fell asleep til three. It did not help matters that I wanted a fat cheeseburger and then told that I could only eat soft foods.
It still hasn't hit me yet the impact of this surgery. I'm so grateful to the Lord that He would remembered something like this. Of course He would, I just didn't want to. I knew how serious it was when it reentered so fast back into my life so unexpectantly. This experience has been so amazing just watching the Lord being in full control and showing me His love. I was his little girl yesterday and He took such good care of me, my mind cannot fathom the love that He has shown me through all of this. This is so cool now that I can go to the dentist and just get regular check ups now and not have this fear in the back of my mind. Whew my breath won't be kicking anymore and my lifespan won't get cut short because that's what could've happened had this thing not been treated. I could've wound up with oral cancer which you can die from by the way. I'd say this kind of cancer is even scarier than ovarian cancer because blood vessels are right underneath your teeth so if an infection were to get into your bloodstream, it would be life threatening. I can feel happier now about having kids in the future lol.
It feels weird right now the right side of my mouth, it's still swollen and the medication is making me have some really interesting dreams, some were a little scary but all in all I've been so blessed with this whole experience and seeing the Lord move so fast, my jaw just drops at His quickness. To see Him be there for me, the work He did in the hearts of everyone. He was super super Sovereign and so in control. I saw my Daddy being in total Sovereign control and it is way more cooler than anything I could've ever imagined. I will be reflecting on this for a long time to come. I'm still in awe of all He does. Wow, wow and a bigger WOW!
I needed to get my tooth removed. Immediately what came to my mind was the image of a giant three and half inch long needle trying to find its way down to my gums. I had tried so hard not to think about this during the days leading up to the surgery. I hadn't been resting in God at all, I was distracting myself with all other things except running to my Daddy and finding my comfort there. i can't blame the meds for throwing me off balance but having a painful toothache and not being able to talk so well, didn't make things go smoother either. I realized that I've been having a really bad attitude about my life and work because everything still felt the same. I was growing in my walk but the other messes in my life still seemed to remain and that was really starting to drag me down. I guess I didn't want to listen to God or I didn't really know to. The night before at College Group there was a song which I don't remember the lyrics but all I remember is that it mentioned something about letting the tears come. I needed to cry, I don't like crying, I'm not a crier but I needed to. I'd been holding on to my pride and not finding my rest in the Lord.
That morning before the surgery, I wanted to spend some time in the Word just to hear God comfort me. He spoke to me in a different way afterwards but He really wanted to hear from me. As I began to pray the tears began to flow and I confessed my sins before him. It was such a nice relief to cry before him, I knew His presence was with me because nothing else mattered only me pouring my heart out to him.
On the train ride I didn't realize that I'd make it to San Francisco so early so I went to hang out at work. Yep my co-workers are cool like that, that I can go bug them on my days off and it's still cool. A blessing I find that i do take for granted. The time just ended up flying by so fast and before you know it I was the one racing back to go meet my friend and sister in Christ, Rebekah. It was so cool walking with her and listening as she spoke about the Lord. Nothing else mattered in that moment but being thankful for my friend being there and I too wanted to be there for her and share in the joy that she's experiencing in the Lord. It is always the neatest and completely blows me away and I praise God for this. When I am around my brothers and sisters in Christ, there's a safety, security and peace that resides that I can't describe to you, it's just there and makes it so easy to move about loving one another in Christ. You know I really do underestimate this Holy Spirit person, He's really awesome too.
I got into the doctor's office, I got scared. The nerves were building; and you know what I realized on the drive home. You ever notice how small doctor's offices are especially the dentist's? I realized that too was also contributing to my nervousness. The dental surgeon was a very friendly man. Mind you none of this had anything to do with me, this is where the Lord answered my prayers and once again, moved in ways I never saw it coming and blew me away. The surgeon told me it was a good thing to be afraid and that began to tear down one of my defenses. Deep down I believe the Spirit told me that I could trust this man. I started bawling like a baby after he left the room because I'm expecting him to come back with that giant needle I keep picturing in my mind. I kid you not, he said he was going to put me to sleep. I didn't believe him I thought he was just making a joke. One I couldn't afford it and I didn't know what general sedation was. The nurse secretary lady came in and told me that he was going to put me to sleep, like the one where you're knocked out for a while. I told her that I couldn't afford it and I'd just do the local anesthesia thing. Five minutes later the secretary returns and she says the doctor's not going to charge you. I was in utter shock and disbelief, he wasn't going to charge me for it. The Lord just took $550 off my medical bill, he did that for me. I was so amazed, from that point on I didn't feel so scared about the surgery.
Rebekah had prayed with me before I went in and that helped a lot. Once I was led into surgery, I gotta tell you, these guys took way better care of me than when I was having my ankle surgery. The person in charge of the IV was so kind and so funny and praise the Lord I didn't look at the needle. They spray this cold spray on the vein area, oh it was cold. He was right, if you sprayed enough of it it would hurt because it was so cold. I just felt a little prick and the needle was in. Now taking that hospital tape off hurt more afterwards than the needle going in, those tape things sting. The whole staff just went to work. I can compare it to being like a nascar racecar going into pit lane and the entire pit crew is waiting for you and once you're in. They just immediately seek to your immediate care. How humbling that was to me seeing that staff's willingness to serve. Oh you betcha I was learning about being a servant at work. It is true, sometimes you really just don't know who is watching you and who you will have an impact on or who will have an impact on you. Once the surgeon came in, He administered the IV, dude not even like two seconds the only thing I remember is hearing heart monitors, they had me on heart monitors and then I felt that oxygen thing because they put one up my nose. I was like this is interesting but this is cool. I wasn't afraid anymore. When the anethesia kicked in, all I was one purple tie dye, two red dye prints and I was out.
I woke up and I was like "wha, wha, where am I?" I couldn't move my body but I could hear all the outside conversation. Your brain really doesn't sleep I tell you, I wanted to be a part of the conversation. I was kinda like ah did anyone forget about me. I don't even remember half the stuff I said to the staff after surgery but apparantly my brain still functioned perfectly. I don't even know what time the surgery ended but I fell asleep til three. It did not help matters that I wanted a fat cheeseburger and then told that I could only eat soft foods.
It still hasn't hit me yet the impact of this surgery. I'm so grateful to the Lord that He would remembered something like this. Of course He would, I just didn't want to. I knew how serious it was when it reentered so fast back into my life so unexpectantly. This experience has been so amazing just watching the Lord being in full control and showing me His love. I was his little girl yesterday and He took such good care of me, my mind cannot fathom the love that He has shown me through all of this. This is so cool now that I can go to the dentist and just get regular check ups now and not have this fear in the back of my mind. Whew my breath won't be kicking anymore and my lifespan won't get cut short because that's what could've happened had this thing not been treated. I could've wound up with oral cancer which you can die from by the way. I'd say this kind of cancer is even scarier than ovarian cancer because blood vessels are right underneath your teeth so if an infection were to get into your bloodstream, it would be life threatening. I can feel happier now about having kids in the future lol.
It feels weird right now the right side of my mouth, it's still swollen and the medication is making me have some really interesting dreams, some were a little scary but all in all I've been so blessed with this whole experience and seeing the Lord move so fast, my jaw just drops at His quickness. To see Him be there for me, the work He did in the hearts of everyone. He was super super Sovereign and so in control. I saw my Daddy being in total Sovereign control and it is way more cooler than anything I could've ever imagined. I will be reflecting on this for a long time to come. I'm still in awe of all He does. Wow, wow and a bigger WOW!
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