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A year ago I was the most miserable person I knew. My self confidence was so low that I was ready to give up on my life and not deal with things anymore. It was a hard year and still I felt as if no one gave a care about me. I had a lot of anger inside as I felt that I was always being taken for granted. Guys never cared, I don't even know why they even bothered wasting their time. Being pissed off my ex really got me nowhere but I guess this year I started seeing people for who they really were. As much as I hated being alone, I know that there was a reason for it. I'm still angry, not really angry, mainly more frustrated and gravely annoyed. Tired of the negativity but I can't even seem to find my own happiness. I'm locked up in this prison cell called San Francisco and I can't wait until I finally get out. My mother tells me to stay and hang in there a little while. I can't fight this battle anymore and it's only a matter of time if I stayed here, I will lose so much of myself, there won't be anything left of me. Loneliness will drive you to despair and I'll try not to think about it too much else tears will start to fall down. Sometimes I feel like I'm better off if no one did give a crap about me, then no one would have anything to say about me. My head has always been in the clouds and growing up, I've always been alone. This I've learned to deal with as many others just don't know how to survive this part being alone.
I've been tackling all the issues that have been confronting me but many of these I cannot get an answer to, many of these are out of my control. I looked out my window a couple days ago and then I realized that I really have lived my life alone. I guess I've deserted everyone and hide off in my own place. I'm definitely detached from the world. I really don't have any family ties nor do I have friendly ties so I can tell you this much that if my life turns around and all this stuff starts happening to me and my life starts to come alive or something like that, make sure to pinch me because I'll seriously think that I"m dreaming. Have you ever met a Christian who was depressed. We're supposed to be happy because Jesus is so awesome. He is awesome without a doubt but I tell you how I know that I have a relationship with him and that He is for real. Well let's just say he likes to do these little things where he stops you in your tracks and sits you down and really makes you think about what is really going on with you.
I haven't gone to church since who knows when. I'm in hiding, it's not that I'm afraid to deal with stuff, I don't like my environment. When I'm not working, or I don't have to be in school until a later time, I'm in my bed, that's my sacred place, my safety place and man many conversations and tears I've shed with God on that bed. Many dreams about my future, many questions of "why" I ask my Savior and all this time, He's been piecing me back together. I think once you've had your heartbroken over something or someone you love. Me being me, I know that I'll never go back to that place again. I love sportbikes but I'm still terrified to ride one after the experience I went through but I still love them. Unfortunately that's not the case with me and love, I guess I'm going through spiritual rehab and I don't think I'm fully healed yet.
People always want to see me stumble, they always want to see me fall. When a major part of you is lost or you've hit the ground, you'd be surprised what really has an effect on you. For me, maybe I do have the patience of a saint or simply my thoughts of this world don't mean a thing to me. When you're detached from an environment, you walk around like an empty soul, just watching, observing, hoping, waiting, waiting for that call to action. I've been keenly aware of what is going on around me and I'm not happy about it. Nothing on this planet can sustain me only Christ can. I'm getting better at reading my Bible and I'm very surprised that I've been able to be as celibit as long as I have.
I really don't trust guys and I really don't trust people, maybe I don't trust me. Hmm if I had to ask myself this question, how much do I think I'm worth? I tell you this much, if Jesus had to give his life for me, that says a lot. Also if I fought to stay alive in my mother's womb, for what reason I really don't have a clue and still have yet to figure out. I've traveled three-quarters of the way around the globe, so that's gotta count for something. I'm a fighter, it's in my nature. You can doubt me all you want but I've seen enough adversity in my life to where my issues, I deal with them with God and I do the best I can to live by his rules. Yup I can live alone and survive on my own. I'm very adaptable and there's only one of me. This year I have found a depth to my character that even startles me and I know when the confident woman inside me, I'm even scared my own self. I'm still a kid though and I still got lots to learn and I'm ready for it.
So about the ex, I'm really annoyed of the character and front that he put on for me. I love his family, they're awesome but wow, the man I fell for and that is why I am not going down that road again, no way no sir, that love thing is not for me. I'll just sing songs and praises to God all day, Jesus will be happy and my heart will be happy. You try to please a man and he sends you to hell and takes everything from you. Marriage, sounds nice, I mean I don't think I'll ever get married, ask me this question in another year and then see how I feel. I think I'd much rather get the puffiest and biggest wedding dress and just walk around in the thing and feel like a princess all day and wear riding shoes underneath it, that's totally cool with me. Now if I had a million bucks, well in this day and age, I'd need more than a million bucks but let's just say if I could have all the money that I want, what would I do with itL
First I"d pay off all my debts and my mom's and my brother's and my mom's best friend. Then I'd buy myself a sweet looking house near the beach. I'd keep my day job because I gotta pay for utilities and yard upkeep and all that stuff. Then I'd be myself a car, a fast one and a reliable one and a tour bus, why the tour bus because I'm going to open up an orphanage and adopt a ton of kids and learn all aspects of the arts and open my own business and learn a lot about business management and be a stay at home and homeschool my kids. And I'd also have my teaching credentials. Yessir, I'd be a full time mom and totally loving my life and staying active and show my kids what the world has to offer. If I had all this, I'd have no need for a husband because I am not about to try to impress some dude because he wants to be visually stimulated seeing his wife in steamy lingerie, don't get me started on that. Marriage is not for me but damn what girl wouldn't want to come home to a gorgeous man (in her eyes whom she finds handsome). Well if there is such a thing as a very handsome Christian man in my eyes that loved God, I"m not shallow and I'm not judgemental with guys, I said he had to be handsome in my eyes. What I've learned too, he may be handsome to you but not what you need. I don't need a man. What I need is a dog and a vacation and a car, who knows what I need, I don't know what I need. I need a life makeover. Sometimes I feel like I'm bi-polar but i'm not, I'm just pissed off and annoyed half the time. I have a very complex personality which is why I can adapt to anything but I find that people don't like you when you've got big dreams and you don't their support to do whatever you want. I don't want to be independent all the time but who knows I"m still young, I still got some time to before I have to become unjaded. But for right now I"m just piecing me back together and the happy parts of me, sorry but they're staying hidden because there's too many evil people out there who really want to see me fall and if I do, I still got my moon boot then I can really give you a piece of my mind.
my hopes for the future. I don't like to say the word hell or curse for that matter only when I'm pissed. So here's my hopes for the future, to hell with all this negativity in my life. To hell with all the struggles, to hell with San Francisco, to hell with loneliness. To hell with not having joy in my life. what do I want for the future, I want a lot of stuff so right now I"m just going to keep them between me and God and don't think I'm bluffing, I"m just not sharing what I want. Anyways I already told you up there but I do hope I get to ride a sportbike again because I don't want my riding gear wearing out on me. I'll be leaving San Francisco and I couldn't be more overjoyed and I really hope I get to find a place and own my first car, I'll write again about learning how to drive all over again. That's going to be fun I hope. That's it for now, my head hurts cause my brain is thinking way too hard. I guess I'll be happy one day and enjoying life the way I should, so until next time, peace.
