That seems to be the nature of things lately or I feel that I've been communicated with. I'm new to this whole blogging thing. I tried it once and I had no clue what I was doing. So instead of trying to figure out exactly what I'm going to write about, I'm just going to do it for the heck of it. I read this fortune cookie today, the thing was sitting on top of the counter and I was ready to through it in the garbage can. I grabbed the first cookie, I thought they usually only give you one fortune cookie when you order Chinese food. I didn't eat the other two, nor do I really like fortune cookies for that matter, I just like what they have to say. The fortune cookie said "Try something new and you'll be happy with the results." So I was like aright, what can I do that's new in my little boring life. I love my life by the way but yes I am very bored. I've gotten better at watching NetFlix DVDs and I'm loving my PS3.
This weekend I watched "Something New" with Sanaa Lathan, I love when she stars in romantic movies. I loved her in "Love and Basketball" and I loved her in this movie. In this movie, her character goes on a blind date after her friends brings up this theory of "Let it go, let it flow." So her blind date turns out to be a white guy and she's not having it, she prefers the brothers. So anyhow the story moves along and she hires him to be her landscape architect and things get going. I was so jealous of her character the whole time. One day I hope to find me a white guy that actually likes me for who I am and I don't scare the crap out of him. I'm a pretty straight forward lady I think and I'm a nerd. I'm not giving away the ending of the movie but I loved the movie. I hope there's a white guy out there for me somewhere, a girl can dream. I don't discriminate against races but I just prefer white guys, for a while Asian guys took over and I thought that I wasn't going to like white guys again. I was just lying to myself because there's something about white guys, well I'm a dork, I'm really goofy. I guess I do have a childlike spirit but I'm all about making people laugh. So what does that have to do with white guys, I think my personality meshes better with them. Or it could also be the fact that a beautiful smile from one of you guys and I blush, yeah I've discovered that I can actually blush. Or the way you guys walk with your swagger and those eyes, OMG, yeah you guys had me with the eyes and smile. Okay I just like the male species there.
One of my guy friends and my boss asked me if I was going to be a lesbian because I was hating guys for the longest and told myself that I'd never give my heart to another. I started cracking up, nah I can't picture myself being a lesbian. Nothing beats having a man that you know that loves you, to me that's the equivalent of giving birth to a child. I'm a dreamer, always have been, always will be. Yeah I have my head in the clouds a lot but I don't dream as much as I used to. After I broke up with my ex, I shut down internally. I don't know how to get back to me that I knew before I met him. It's the strangest thing when you can't love something. Whenever I pray, I feel like my heart isn't getting enough out to express to God my heartache. I've got a guard around my heart like you would not believe. As much as I tell myself it would be nice to be dating someone, nah it's not happening to me. I'm too scared, I hide in my room on the weekends but that's good though. I'm regaining me and finding myself again. I don't think I'll always be that sixteen year girl who was her happiest in her senior year.
A lot of people around me have changed, my friends don't call me. No one checks on me except my mom, who's been there through it all. When everyone was going through their trials, I was there for them, now when I'm battling my demons, I had God alone but it was He that got me here. My prayers could be stronger, they are at times but I find myself being afraid to ask for the things that I would like to have. I'm afraid I'm being too selfish or those might take control of me. That's what happened with my ex.
I still don't know a lot about this whole love thing. What I thought I knew, that all went out the window after my ex. I kinda don't want the love thing and this is the problem that I'm having. I should want to find love again, not running away from it. That's the thing when you're a Pisces and you get burned the way I did, we'll tell you that we will run away from the thing that hurt us the most and never go back to it. Right now, my head's in the clouds. Even when I write my love stories, my characters are running away from love. They think that they are fighting for something or believe that love has truly found them, but it hasn't. They've just been blinded by what is real love.
guys do me a favor, if you have a woman that loves you and cares about you, do not let her go. I have had no desire to have any sexual relations with any guy. I'm rebuilding this temple. I've been reading this book, "Every Young Woman's Battle." I'm halfway through the book and the devil is already sending me temptations, it's crazy. All I can say is love will turn you into a fool but once you regain a sense of who you are and are comfortable with that, I hope that you'll make better decisions when it comes to guys/girls.
God has been my refuge and strength through all this. This is going to sound sad but it's the truth but I think that if I died tonight, I don't think anyone would know or show up at my funeral. I don't have a lot of friends, I just work and come home. I'm over my days of Facebook, Hotornot, Myspace. I can't meet real people in San Francisco unless they're my co-workers and that's not a lot of them that I know either. My world is very small here so again that's why my head's always in the clouds. I don't want a boyfriend here, my dilemma is not finding a ghetto white guy who's into hip hop and rocks the clothes and can dance like one. But to find one that is nice, attractive at least and can carry on a good conversation and me, to not go off running. I'm shy about stuff like that, i need a man with a good bout of confidence, not a big fat ego. God has been so good to me and it's a struggle trying not to lose yourself. I'm so numb and jaded and too independent, that's definitely one of the other problems. Although I cry over my ex, no I don't do it anymore, I can think about him but it doesn't affect me on that level. This year so far I've done a very good share of accomplishing my New Year's Resolutions, I've traveled. I graduated with my BFA in motion pictures & television. I'm healthy, my room totally reflects my personality. I've discovered that I like the color pink,white, and . I got my own HDTV and I own three video game systems. I have a lot of shoes and I can manage to pull off maternity clothes. I'll go into that one another time.
So I watched Tyler Perry's "What Done In The Dark," I laughed so hard, I have not watched a comedy that hilarious in so long but the story tugged at my heart so bad. Then my mom calls me up out of the blue and she starts telling me about Madea, I started rolling on the floor. I"m reading Tyler Perry's Everyone hates to be alone, i wish i didn't feel like I wasn't walking this road alone. I know that God is with me every step of the way. I don't know how to really expand my horizons although I don't really want to or even know how to, I want to what am I talking about. Everything costs money. I'm done with the clubbing, the drinking, definitely over one night stands. My life is pretty boring so what do I do, I write stories and daydream. I"m always thinking, this brain of mine never shuts down. Would you believe I dreamt that I went to Harvard, but that's what so cool about me, the oddest thing can be my biggest inspiration. The last inspiring thing that I did, I went to the Museum of the African Diaspora and that my friend was an experience that I'll never forget.
I gotta get to bed, I really hope I figure out a sleep schedule soon and ohhh school starts in less than two weeks, here we go again. My summer has definitely sucked but praises to the Lord that I was able to be celibate for that long. This post is about something new, I do feel that a lot of changes are going to happen in my life and I'm looking forward to them. I'm just going to learn how to step to the side and let God take the lead and not get lost in the crowd. Later
